What did he mean by that?

[cantdecidewhattodo123]

Just looking for objective feedback please. DH was talking about his friend and listing all he has eg. nice house, savings, “wife at home who doesn’t work”- I said that makes a wife sound like an asset ! He said that’s true because most families need 2 incomes so a “wife at home” is a luxury. I work FT, we have adult kids. I am not saying SAHP do not work hard or contribute equally to the family - just that the way he said it made me question his view on women generally and me specifically as an equal partner.
AIBU- it was just a throwaway comment, don’t be so sensitive?
AINBU- he sees women as support humans and he has been landed with a dud?

Personally I do think having an adult at home is is luxury. Many of my friends work very part time and I really do see it as a privilege as they have the money to do that

I think he worded it badly and is a bit jealous he doesn't earn enough to not need 2 incomes. It would have been better to say 'Wife at home who doesn't need to work', or 'earns enough money they don't both need to work'.

I think from the context of what he was saying he sounds like he's a bit jealous of his friend's wealth. Having one person in a two person household not needing to work is a luxury (regardless of who it is). I think you have probably taken it the wrong way and he didn't mean it to sound sexist. He's probably feeling a bit low from comparing himself to a richer friend.

I don't read it that way at all - it's hardly saying he's landed a dud, it's literally just a description of his friend's circumstances, nice house, savings, wife at home who doesn't work. If she was working it would probably be nice house, savings, wife who's a teacher or similar.

Wife at home is probably a luxury, especially with the financial climate as it is currently - it's not the norm so I would count it as a luxury (also my dream life 😂).

thanks for quick responses/ really appreciate MNers wisdom . I think I must have taken him up wrong or be too defensive - I blame Meno mood swings :)

Guessing your joking a luxury it's a job in itself with kids

Housekeeper. He means he has has housekeeper.

and DH would like a housekeeper too?

How can you be a wife at home that doesn't work but you work full time ?

Sorry. I work full time but his friend’s wife doesn’t work

Oh sorry 🤦 read that completely wrong

He said that’s true because most families need 2 incomes so a “wife at home” is a luxury.

I honestly don’t understand your issue with his explanation?

TBH, I wouldn’t mind a husband at home who did all the cooking and laundry. I hear what he’s saying because not having to fold my own clothes would defo be a luxury…

I remember dh saying to me - years and years ago, that for his parents generation having a sahp was seen as a status symbol- because they didn't need the second income. At the end of the day it is a luxury, I'm a sahp and as a result dh and I have more combined leisure time. After dinner we don't have to sort clothes, or iron or do any housework. It's tidy up from dinner and we're done. Most of it gets done during the day.

Being a stay at home wife sounds very 1950s to me. My mother was a full time mother but she had no choice, there were no jobs, or very few, for women back then. Women that did work, did it for 'pin money'.

These days, women have careers, and although some will take a career break to have children, many don't, and some prefer not to. I have never been a stay at home parent, nor have I ever hankered to be.

Your husband sounds a bit old fashioned if he thinks having a support human at home is a luxury. Get a cleaner, get a gardener, don't give up your career.

The fact that he imagines a stay at home wife, not the luxury of one of you being able to stay home is the more telling part. Feels he would like a ‘trad wife’ if money could allow. Hypotheticals are a dangerous slope, but if circumstances meant you suddenly had a high paying job that meant he didn’t have to work anymore, would he step up to the tradition stay at home ‘wife’ role?

As I drag myself out of bed at 5.30, pregnant, to give my son breakfast before heading off to slave away at work for 12 hours before coming home to a mountain of laundry I think to myself that being a SAHM doesn’t look too shabby…

Does anyone still feel like people still expect them to be a 1950s housewife except somehow fit it around a full time job? 😂

Luxury for the family as a whole, not for the individual who is a SAHP. Unless there’s also money for additional help.

I blame Meno mood swings

^

Er, please don't

Yes, I suppose I know it was not easy to work with 3 kids- there were sacrifices involved but also the advantage of my salary and for me, retaining my career and my financial independence. Now it seems like he is discounting decades of work annd effort by revealing that all along he really wanted a more traditional set up. It’s too late now with adult kids anyway. I’m probably just a bit pissed off but it’s good to hear the opinions of others.

@cantdecidewhattodo123 he's saying wouldn't it have been great if we had the same income but one person was at home. All along he really wanted more leisure time- don't we all. I don't think that's unreasonable. It would be like me saying to dh wouldn't it be great if we could have sent the kids to private school. It would have - it doesn't mean I think he should have earned more to make it happen.

I voted YANBU.

It’s only a luxury for the woman when the woman does not WANT to work (same goes for if the man doesn’t want to work). It’s a luxury for both because it means that in an employment crisis the spouse can quit without dire financial repercussions. Phrasing it as it’s a luxury that the wife doesn’t have to work is insulting to the woman as an individual in my opinion.

I love my job and it would make me greatly unhappy not to work. For my husband to view it as something to aspire to would really rub me the wrong way.