To be concerned that my ex shouts too much at his kids?

[MGX]

Hi,

So to give a bit of background, we have a teen dd together, so I see him fairly regularly. He has 2 toddler age dc with new partner, who I see occasionally at drop off/pick up times.

Ex has always had a short fuse and been quite shouty, but I always really put my foot down with our dd and said he needed to knock it on the head, as it's pure intimidation, which is imo, counter productive and actually quite damaging.

I obviously have no say in how he parents his other dc, but the last few times I've seen them, I've been genuinely concerned by how much he shouts at them and for absolutely nothing. They're just being children - running round in circles etc, but he just yells at them to stop it. My dd absolutely hates it and really worries about them. I don't believe he would ever physically hurt them, but this is still abusive as far as I am concerned.

I'm not saying I'm some perfect, saintly mum, who has never shouted at their dc, but I would never do this. It's just horrible.

There isn't anything I can do is there? I don't feel they are in any immediate danger, but being yelled at like this just isn't right.

YABU = Shouting isn't that bad -better than smacking

YANBU= Being shouted at does cause mental damage.

No nothing you can do

How often are you on his company with his children? How often does your DD go? Does she enjoy going?

I would report to SS, you can do it anonymously, maybe say you are a neighbour and often hear shouting? It might not be physical abuse but it is abuse and your dd is obviously upset about it so it must be a regular thing. I know toddlers can be a handful but shouting at them constantly isn’t really good parenting.

Social services!!!!

because he shouted at his children when they were running in circles?

@Paltrypam It's becoming less often now she's in her mid teens. She has said that if it weren't for her half siblings, she probably wouldn't want to see him. She enjoys seeing them, but finds it so emotionally draining, as she's constantly on edge.

Would your dd be able to talk to the mother of the children about this? Express her concern and tell her that it is upsetting to hear them being shouted at all the time.

How old is she? How often does she go? How often are you in his presence with his children around? Is your DD concerned?

does she “really worry about them”?

What is your relationship like with your ex?

@Pallisers She has done. Apparently she just said "I know. Your dad can be a bit of a dick". Nice. I get the impression that she does tell him he does it too much, but tbh she's quite shouty too.

@Paltrypam I see them around once a month. Yes, she is definitely concerned. She's not being dramatic. I've seen her in tears over it a few times.

@Paltrypam I would say it's strained. I try to at least keep things civil for the sake of our dd, but we're entirely different people now and so it's probably more about tolerance at this stage.

would she say it direct to her dad - at a time when he isn't stressed or shouting. Just say "look dad, I love seeing you and especially love Tom and Jerry but I dread it because of all the shouting. It is really upsetting for me and for the kids"

Would he react to that? I mean, she can't change the way he parents unfortunately but she can tell him the impact it has on her.

And what kind of relationship does your daughter have with her father?

@Pallisers I suspect in the right mood he would respond well and say he would try not to etc, but then as soon as he's stressed out he'll probably go back to shouting again. He's quite a jekyll and Hyde.

@Paltrypam not great. As I said, she probably wouldn't want to see him if it weren't for her siblings. Her and her dad are so different. He's very loud and sweary and she always feels very awkward around him. She does miss him sometimes, but will usually feel quite relieved when she comes home.

she sees him once a month

it might just be that it’s all a bit of a stress with an extra person?

but you say once so bad your daughter cried. What we talking here? Bellowing in their face?

I do think people who always default to shouting at their children lack emotional intelligence.

Good luck with this one.

Do you know that if it is light enough to be considered ‘reasonable punishment’ you are legally allowed to smack your child in this country.

SS are not going to intervene for a Dad shouting at his kids.

But it isn’t nice at all OP and YANBU. What would your ex say if your DD told him how upsetting she finds it?

Maybe she could buy him parenting books for Christmas :)

@Paltrypam it wasn't a one off. She has got upset talking about it several times. I think she feels stressed out because she sort of makes it her job to keep things calm. Tbh, she's more like a baby sitter these days.

@Bex5490 It would depend on his mood. I've been saying for 20 years he should get some help for his anger

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Added to my Amazon cart.

@Paltrypam no need for your questions filling the thread. There’s no excuse for a man to use intimidation as a ‘parenting’ technique.

So shit that DD’s being put in that situation. The only thing I can think of is telling him how upsetting she’s finding it.

Hopefully soon she can have a bit of a relationship with them without Dad being involved, take them to the park etc when she’s a young adult, is she at the older end of teenage?

A real tough one…

@Bex5490 this is what I'm hoping, but in reality I'm not sure how that would work, as he would no doubt pile on the guilt and she's a very caring person, so wouldn't want to hurt him.