To suggest my DH tells his parents to do one

[annoyedontheirbehalf]

This is a long one sorry...

My DH and I have been together for over 10 years, and in general I have got on with my in laws. They have had their annoying moments, but doesn't everyone? Lately however, their behaviour is really starting to irritate me and I feel bad for how it must be impacting my DH feelings.

As general background to this latest situation - my PIL live about an hour and a half away and around 5 years ago they decided they were going to build their own house - sounds wonderful. However, what my FIL meant by this was he was going to physically build this house himself, with his bare hands despite having no prior experience. This wouldn't be my choice, but hey each to their own, and I am a big advocate of finding some online tutorials to figure out how to do things. Apart from my FIL is not one to be told anything, or get advice. He has even fallen out with some of his family who are skilled tradesmen, because they told him things he didn't want to hear, such as he needed to pay a qualified electrician to do the wiring otherwise the house wouldn't be signed off by building regs...anyway, as you can imagine, five years on and there is little progress, despite them both only working 3 days a week now in an attempt to have more time to work on the house. They are living in a small caravan on site with no where for visitors to stay as they have sold their previous home.

Prior to the house build, it always seemed up to my DH to get in touch, make arrangements for weekend visits etc. But since they have started their build the lack of contact with us (and my SIL) has been exacerbated, and they seem too wrapped up in their own world to make an effort.

I thought this behaviour might change after the birth of our DC. They visited a week after she was born, but I worked out the other day in they have only seen her 5 times in her whole life (she is now 3). None of the visits have been for longer than a few hours, as I said we can't stay at theirs, and they have always decided to just 'pop for a couple of hours' instead of staying for a weekend - although I'm not sure if this is because they don't want to impose.

This year they didn't even come to see us on my DD's birthday - they asked if we were having a party, and when we said we weren't because it was close to us moving house and the house was half packed up, they took that as a cue to not come at all - they just sent a card, no present. Again, I am not one for wanting our house filled with presents our DC doesn't need, and don't expect them to spend a fortune, but they could have sent a token gift, a book or something similar to suggest they have given some thought to it being their grandchild's birthday.

Around a month ago we moved house. As anyone knows, this is always a really stressful time, made worse by some last minute hiccups and the fact that I am now 7 months pregnant. My parents came around and helped us move and ensured things like DCs room was all set up and ready on the first night, my PIL didn't even drop us a message on the day asking if everything had gone smoothly. Once we had been in the house a couple of weeks and were more settled, my DH called his dad and asked if they would like to come and visit and see us and the new house the following weekend - making it clear we were happy for them to stay over if that would be preferable to driving there and back in one day. His dad said he would 'let us know'. We didn't hear anything for days, so when it got to the Thursday evening my DH called him again to ask if they were actually coming, so we knew if we had to get stuff in for the weekend. His Dad said, no they aren't coming (thanks for the communication) because they are going to spend the weekend working on the house. As if they haven't had 5 years of this anyway.

Then the following week, late on the Wednesday evening my FIL messages my DH, asking if we are 'free' tomorrow (the Thursday) for a visit with an overnight stay. Now, I think this is unreasonable for a number of reasons, it's really late notice for starters, plus both of us work in the week, so did they expect us to just phone in sick, or get leave last minute? Of course, my DH explained we weren't going to be about because of work, but they could come the weekend. To which the response was, no they can't do the weekend.

I got really annoyed and have basically said to my DH that he should not phone or offer any other dates and to see if they show any interest in coming to see us. Is it just me? Or is this seemingly total lack of interest in their son's and grandchild's life a bit weird? They just seem obsessed with their never ending house build project and are too wrapped up in their own world to have any interest in other people!

Apologies for the rant!

So the house is their priority. Not everyone is a perfect parent or grandparent, it sounds like you got lucky with yours, and I think your expectations on your in laws are too high.

They sound like real assholes, selfish and completely oblivious to anything except their precious house. Yes, just drop the rope and continue with your own happy life. No harm, no foul but also no obligation.

I understand I am very lucky with my parents and I don't expect them to drop everything to come see us - they are adults with their own lives. It's just that I can see that their attitude is making my DH feel like crap. He often comes off the phone with them looking dejected because they seem to have no interest in his life.

They just seem obsessed with their never ending house build project
They are living in a small caravan on site
Its been five years.

You have got to be kidding me? 😂 I can't believe the lack of empathy here.

Welp - their loss. You seem to be handling it just fine.

Feel a bit sorry for your DH that they're not that interested in spending time with him, but he'll get lots of love from you and the DC.

Life is a lot simpler when you realize you can't make people do things and it's very difficult to change who they are, and just - accept (and work round) how things are. Even when that means saying "that's not a good idea (but how about X or y?)".

Empathy for what? A man who won’t listen to professional’s advice, so much so that he’s fallen out with members of his family?

No empathy from me!

Yeah they do sound selfish. But they only asked if you were free. They weren't expecting you to take time off work. Your OH should say to them exactly what you said in your later post

It's not a lack of empathy - it's more frustration. My DH and I have been down to help with the build over the years. Things taking years to happen because that's just the way things are is one thing, it taking that long because you are determined to teach yourself 18th edition wiring regulations, or taking a month to figure out how to deal with a TPO on your planning application because you don't think you should have to get an expert to do it, who could sort the problem in afternoon just seems mad to me - especially when the whole project is seemingly stopping them from engaging with anything else. Like I said, they have even fallen out with other family members in skilled trades who tried to offer practical advice.

Everyone’s different there just not close or particularly interested
the only thing they’ve done wrong is not to match the expectation of what relationship you think they should have with you

accept it for what it is there’s no need to bear grudges or fallout

Sounds like they've fallen out with other family members and they're on their way to falling out with some more.

You can't force a relationship with grandparents and you'll drive yourself mad trying, lower your expectations of them, they're as involved as they want to be. Yes it's a bit shit for your OH that he doesn't have a better relationship with them, but he's used to them, and has dealt with them for years, and your kids won't know any different.

The best support you can be to your OH would be not to stir it up by putting him in the middle and voicing your frustrations with them, and expecting him to be able to persuade them to be any different than they are.

I think they have different expectations to yours, in terms of what being a grandparent entails. Everyone has different ideas about that - some people expect there to be weekly visits and a lot of involvement in the grandkids' lives whereas some don't think that's necessary, especially when they're a distance away and/or aren't yet retired.

Personally, I wouldn't expect them to help with a house move or see your DD on her birthday (I'd say I was pretty close to all my grandparents but I didn't see them on birthdays) but I personally think it's pretty shit that your PILs didn't send their granddaughter a birthday present, even if it was just something small or something useful like clothes. And ringing up asking to come and stay midweek at a day's notice, when you and DP both work, sounds like taking the piss as far as I'm concerned.

While I think it's up to them how involved they want to be as grandparents and how much time they prefer to spend on their new house, I do agree that they sound very self-absorbed and your FIL actually sounds like a twat in general. Does DH have siblings? If so, are your PILs as distant with them as they are with you and DH?

I think I would probably stop inviting them at this point. I wouldn't cut contact or anything, I'd happily chat on the phone or exchange messages and send them pics of your DD etc, but I wouldn't be inviting them to stay. If they asked to visit and you are available, great. But if not, the ball's in their court to make more effort and give up a weekend of working on the house which they are clearly never going to finish in their lifetime

Let them crack on. One day they'll realise how much they've missed out on. Or not. Their loss, I say.

well if and when they ever get their house built and move in, they are going to be awfully lonely in it!! unlikely many friends of family left who will still be speaking to them! to see a grandchild only 5 times in 3 years is terrible when they only live 1.5 hours away!! I wouldnt bother with them again and your hubby needs to forget them too!! it would be no more invites from me, sorry!

I think this is the key thing really - different expectations. I see the relationship I have with my parents and this obviously influences how I view their behaviour.

I didn't expect them to help with the move, and I didn't expect my own parents to either, but that is just how they are, so I agree it does influence how I see the situation.

And I can take some reassurance from the fact that they are equally distant with my SIL and her family - they see just them just a little as we do. So it's not just us.

I think you are right - it's not something to have massive arguments or anything about. Think we just need to step back and see if they come to us. I just need to not let the whole situation frustrate me so much, and focus on the friends and family we do have good relationships with!

For what it's worth, I am exceptionally close to my grandmother but my grandparents didn't do much more than a phone call on my birthday for most of my childhood (they lived far away and it was not practical for them to travel just for a day to see me). So it may not be an indication of their lack of interest or how the relationship will develop going forward.
The house, I imagine, is a massive headache. Even if this is entirely your FIL's own doing, it doesn't take away from being a massive pain in their behind.
But even if they are generally not giving a rat's tail about your husband and your children, there is still no use worrying about it. They know the offer is there and you can't make someone want something they don't.

They both sound as though they have mental health problems, to be honest, in the way they are tackling that build. Living in a caravan for so long must be really awful and yet they still won't take advice. Do you think the house will ever be built and if so do you think it would ever pass regulations?

Just leave your H to get on with trying to have a relationship with his parents, he probably feels bad enough about the situation as it is.

Same with the PIL, let them get on with it. That’s one hell of a project they’ve taken on. Judging by what you’ve said about them if you did have them visiting all the time, it could be a lot worse than it is now.