Teaching shouting at 5 year old

[Playitagainpam]

Dd is 5 and at Pre school (we’re overseas)
She’s very sociable, adores her friends and playing, but keeps crying not to go to
school. She’s told both Dh and I at night that she doesn’t like getting told off. She tells us that during Work time (cutting, sticking, painting etc) that she gets told off and shouted at as she keeps doing it Wrong. Examples of doing it wrong are colouring when she’s supposed to stick something, Dd tells us she doesn’t understand (We’re in a different country and Dd is learning the new language-she speaks a fair amount, but isn’t completely fluent) So she hasn’t been shown/told what to do and then gets it wrong. The other day she said she copied another not as she didn’t know what to do, but he’d done it wrong too, so they both got told off. I’ve said to her to ask the teacher for help if she doesn’t understand, and she says she has done but the teacher can’t hear her. I’ve mentioned it to the teacher before, but it hasn’t changed. Dd told me she started crying in the lesson the other day and whispering ‘Mummy’ 😞she said the teacher asked her why she was crying and she said she misses mummy, but the teacher didn’t console/hug her etc 🤷🏻‍♀️
She’s missed school today as she was crying so much that she doesn’t want to go in. I’ve sent the teacher an email explaining that she’s crying not to go in and that she feels she’s doing her work wrong, but that she doesn’t understand the work and I can see it affecting her confidence.
What would you do??

*Boy

Not sure why it went in bold 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re not being unreasonable but I would take everything your LO says with a pinch of salt.

However, communicate with the nursery and make it very clear what you find acceptable and what you don’t. Ask them to comfort DD if she misses you and see what they say.

Keep lines of communication open and just see how it goes.

@ItsmeImtheproblem200 I don’t see why she’d lie though?

It's not that she's lying per se, more that her interpretation and/or recollection of events might not be exactly what she's saying they were.

I dont think she will be lying, but it will be her interpretation of the situation. Always check with the teachers for their story as well.
They are obviously trying to get her to follow instructions and she is struggling to do so, shouting is not the answer, but again, unless you have the full picture its hard. Can she understand the language at speed when being spoken to ?

Also depending on the school and rules where you are, some teachers very much take the approach of no contact (safeguarding complaints etc) so unleds your child is initiating the contact, they may be wary. Speak with the school and explain about comforting her if distressed. Again they may have a reason.

I would be more inclined to be calling meeting and working with the school rather than keeping her off though as a regular plan.

She's so young and surely the teacher is aware she's not fluent in the language. I'd want to know why they aren't being kinder and more patient with her.

@tiggergoesbounce It definitely wasn’t the plan, but she was so upset this morning, it was a nightmare. She said she doesn’t know what to do and it isn’t shown/explained to her

@CustardySergeant Exactly.
She said others who get it *Wrong get shouted at too and some cry

5 year olds do see the world through their own lens. Her perception of being shouted at may be completely different to how the teacher would see the interaction. But that doesn't change the fact that she is miserable. Do continue to discuss it with the teachers, but do it collaboratively without accusing. It's ok for these things to take a few goes.

How much is a difference in norms between countries is something you will have to judge for yourself.

If there is another nursery school the area, I would take a look around.

I have worked in schools and unfortunately some members of staff are short on patience and shout at children unnecessarily. If it is getting to a stage when your child is so distressed- it will have an impact on their confidence and their relationship with learning. Unfortunately, sometimes regardless on how much you bring it up to the teachers attention things don’t change. Is this a place you pay for? Can you change her school?

Why are people so sure that the teacher isn't shouting? I've volunteered in a primary school and can assure you that they do - just not when they think parents are in earshot. My dd was getting very upset by the constant yelling by teachers and it caused anxiety. I told the school that if shouting at another adult in a work environment isn't unacceptable then it certainly isn't acceptable to shout at a small child in a home or school environment. You need to get your dd up to speed with the language, I know it's easier said than done, but more urgently you need a meeting with the teacher and school leadership to find out what is going on to make your dd so upset.

Ohhh I’m not saying she lying or accusing her of something.

My DC have certainly embellished or sometime I’ve astounded by what’s come out of their mouths, children do this.

You can’t blindly believe a five year old, I’m sorry but you just can’t. I say this as a Mother myself and I am always on my kids ‘sides’ but kids are kids.

I think where you are will have a huge bearing on how you should handle this situation. The school culture world over isn't the same as the U.K. and in some parts of the world parents wouldn't bat an eyelid at their DC being told off for doing things incorrectly (I'm not saying it's right, just saying that's the culture they've been brought up to expect).
Have you spoken to any of the other parents?
I'd definitely be listening to your DD- shes 5 and most children are capable of expressing what's going on fairly accurately- particularly if there's corroboration from other children, I'd be inclined to believe her. However, it could be that the teachers 'shouting' is misconstrued as it's a foreign language- some languages are definitely more shouty than others.
If you could share where you are, you might get a few responses that take into language/cultural attitudes which could inform your decision of next steps.

@DillyDallyingAllDay Thank you.
Portugal

I'd go in and shout at the teacher, see how they bloody well like it! Complain, don't let it go on , do something about it ,work with the school. Don't let your daughter put up with this. My teachers treated me like this, I never told anyone and I've grown up to be a nervous wreck with ridiculous anxiety that can't cope with confrontation, not just because of unkind and unprofessional teachers , other things but they definitely made everything worse. Make it stop for your daughter's sake.

@JessicaRabbit11 Thats what I feel like doing!

So you need to speak to the school and establish exactly what their policies are and how they manage children.

What do other parents say about the school when you speak with them?

Does your child have school friends she plays with outside of school?

I am not saying this isn't happening, clearly your dd is upset and feels misunderstood. However because DH and I hardly ever raise our voices, my children would get upset and say "stop shouting mummy" when I was talking to them in a stern manner or other what I think most would consider mild discipline with extra volume! I am a calm, even tempered person so any change in that to irritation and annoyance, could upset my children when they were little.

On the other hand my aunt was always yelling at my cousins and they would just tune her out and be totally unmoved, while my brother and I when visiting would be jumping every time she raised her voice.

So sometimes it can be moving from one culture to another, even between families.

However, we lived in Germany for 6 years and when my daughter was 5 or 6 she was so scared of her teacher that when she was sent to another part of the school to find something and she didn't know where it was, she ran home (we lived in a small village). So doing everything in another language and trying to follow directions can be very frightening and intimidating to young children. The school pedagogy may also just not feel that new or immigrant children need, or should receive, extra support. So the learning curve can feel very steep for young children.