My husband is an alcoholic and I don’t know what to do.

[Mimikyuu]

My husband is drunk every night and it’s really effecting our marriage.

It doesn’t effect any other area of our life, he still works, is still a hands on parent and still does the lions share of the house work, but every night he drinks 4-5 pints of lager and I just hate being around him. He’s not aggressive or mean, just a bit irritating. It’s effecting our sex life and any intimacy because I just don’t want to be around him. He is aware he drinks too much, and every so often he will stop for a few weeks but then he will start again. He doesn’t seem to be willing to get any help. He’s a type 1 diabetic and I’m so worried he’s going to die in his sleep one day.

Check out family support like smart recovery friends & family, or al-anon. Get yourself some support and information on how you can help yourself because you unfortunately can't stop him from drinking.

Nothing will change unless it becomes a problem for him. With that level of drinking you will need to be the one that decides whether or not it is a problem for you.

It won't change.

Ask me how I know.

There isn't anything you can do. It all rests on him. You can point him in the direction of help but he's got to choose to engage. You can only choose to live with it or not.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You cant cure it

Only he can stop the drinking
Join Al-Anon and get some support and decide whether you want to carry on living with him.

I want to stay with him I just want him to stop. It’s getting me do down. I only see him for 1 evening a week because of his work hours and he’s always drunk for it. He ends up falling asleep on the sofa most nights. I just feel so alone.

I’m so sorry op. That’s very hard for you.

What is he trying to avoid or not think about or escape by drinking? Because it’s usually a symptom of something else. He needs therapy to face whatever it is.

I thought it was financial stress but that’s all sorted now and he’s still drinking. I just find it really sad that he’s just drinking by himself every night and falling asleep on the sofa. Don’t really drink so it’s not like it’s a social thing. He doesn’t really go out ever.

Get a divorce. Simple.

It's not though is it

What on earth? Wrong thread?

I’m probably not simple but it is good advice. Alcoholics are only ever going to prioritise alcohol over absolutely everything else.

It seems like he doesn’t realise that he is at risk (maybe not right this second but in the near future) of losing you.

He also sounds sad. How is the communication between the two of you? Have you asked him seriously why he thinks he’s drinking so much alone?

He will only stop if he wants to, but he may not be truly addicted.

FWIW, a friend's DH had a similar problem - unhealthy levels of drinking that affected his marriage. He didn't want to stop, but he was prepared to cut down. Everyone said, 'No, he must stop! Alkies can't cut down,' but in fact he did and successfully. Ten years later, he can now have a couple of beers some evenings, sometimes with his partner, my friend, sometimes with his mates, most evenings, he doesn't drink. I've seen this happen with other people. Not every heavy drinker is addicted, sometimes it can be a habit that can be changed.

Try getting him to cut down first, try and work out shy he's drinking. He may be an alcoholic, in which case he does need to stop, but he'll only do that when he's ready and you need to decide how you want to deal with that.

Your husband doesn't have a problem, you do. Everything is cool for him, he gets to drink to excess and you pick up the slack.

And that's why you're the only one who can change this situation. You don't like him drinking? You need to decide whether or not to stay with him. If you leave, then you will definitely have a chance to live without a heavy drinker and even meet someone who does not abuse substances.

If you stay, well, you know exactly what it's like - and it won't change.

He is the only one who can control his drinking habit and it doesn't sound as though he has any motivation to do so. Even if he did, he'd need good professional support. Really important that you don't take on the role of caretaker, it's just another form of dependency.

Why do you want to stay with an alcoholic who is drunk on the only evening that you spend together?
And why have you convinced yourself of the "shit partner/great dad" lie that women in bad relationships caused by their male partners propogate and which I don't hear men say so often?
I'm trying to work out why a woman wants to stay with man that she isn't attracted to and who doesn't even prioritise her over alcohol.
And why would she de prioritise her children as the sober parent behind some catch a falling star hope that her sodden, drunkard husband will miraculously fix up and become sober and attractive to her again?
What do you want us to do, OP?
Nobody worth a damn on this site is going to advise you to push through with this marriage, your children and you waiting for your drunkard husband to reach his rock bottom and bringing even more degradation upon the family in doing so......and with no guarantee that there is a rock bottom as for too many alcoholics, death is the only escape.
Don't enable a dysfunctional home.
Let your children look back and see that at least one of their parents put their mental health above their selfishness.
This aint the bad old days of lack of knowledge about how childhood affects adulthood.
You're the sober parent. Act like you are. Leave. This is not the life to model to your children.