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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the sound of my MIL's voice

23 replies

Mastmw7g · 24/10/2023 05:51

I have two daughters. My oldest (20 years old) is DH's stepdaughter. My youngest (10 years old) told me some negative things my MIL said to her about my oldest daughter. Mainly that she's spoiled rotten and gets whatever she wants. My 10 year old calls her grandmother often, at least three times a week, and speaks to her for hours each time. I've come to hate the sound of this woman's voice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mastmw7g · 24/10/2023 06:51

It's made me overthink all these comments in the past about my older daughter, but at least those comments were said to my husband and not her 10 year old sister!

OP posts:
StrangePaintName · 24/10/2023 07:04

Why is your ten year old spending hours at a time on the phone at a time to her grandmother at least three times a week?

KimberleyClark · 24/10/2023 07:06

I wouldn’t accept what your 10 year old said her grandmother said as gospel.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 24/10/2023 07:13

She enjoys talking to her grandmother, who acts like everything she says is brilliant and hilarious. Which is fine. She definitely prefers MIL when compared with my mother, who wouldn't want to have the video on everything my daughter wants to show, and would instead ask to see her face and have her sit still to talk instead of running around to show her anything that comes to her mind. They have a good relationship and I don't want to interfere with that. I just don't want MIL interfering with the sister relationship, and I have hard feelings now that I have the suspicion that MIL favors her "real" grandchild over my oldest daughter.

OP posts:
FloofCloud · 24/10/2023 07:16

I'd be getting my DH to have a firm word with MIL for meddling

Climbingthehillfast · 24/10/2023 07:21

Your dh needs to tell your mil to have some boundaries. She’s not being a good grandmother.

Twiglets1 · 24/10/2023 07:24

Yes your husband has to have a quiet word with his mother and tell her she was out of line. She needs to learn to be more tactful and respectful towards your feelings or end up with major problems in the family dynamic.

moose62 · 24/10/2023 07:26

You should speak to your MIL and explain exactly what you have said here....you appreciate their good relationship but please don't say derogatory things about your eldest daughter. She might not realise that you know and is just trying to protect her 'favourite ' status with your younger daughter. This should come from you, not your DH.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 24/10/2023 07:29

My husband said it was just another example of MIL saying something she shouldn't to DD, and we should ignore it. But the previous time was when DD had trouble sleeping and was crying because she said MIL told her she wasn't going to live as long as my mother. Even though MIL is 59 and my mother is turning 75! But that's because MIL always says she's in poor health and can't come to us, whereas my mother is active and comes over regularly. I didn't like that, either, but it didn't bother me the same way this bothers me.

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MBappse · 24/10/2023 07:33

I find it very annoying when anyone is on a video call and moving around... it is very intrusive on the rest of the household. A practical solution might be for you to explain this to your daughter and ask her to stay on one room, where you can shut the door. I'd also be having anither word with your dp, asking him to address further inappropriate comments by his mum.

LadyBird1973 · 24/10/2023 07:36

I think you have to tackle this - poor dd1!
I wouldn't be letting my child spend hours on the phone to someone who has no self control and says whatever crap is in her head to a 10 year old! You can't trust her to be having regular, long conversations, unsupervised. God knows what else she's said or will say, that you'll only find out about once the damage is done.

You have to tell her what dd has said and tell her it's not on. If nothing else, once she realises her conversation feeds back to you, it might make her more careful.

Twiglets1 · 24/10/2023 07:41

Your husband should be supporting you not telling you to ignore it. Your MIL has upset you. He needs to sort out the problem or it will just fester.

Much better to nip such behaviour in the bud and she’s his mother so he has to step up and have that awkward conversation.

Azandme · 24/10/2023 07:42

"My husband said it was just another example of MIL saying something she shouldn't to DD, and we should ignore it."

If MIL shouldn't be saying it dd's parents SHOULD be pulling her up on it.

I can't believe his response tbh. Who just lets someone crack on saying stuff they shouldn't to their child?

Passepartoute · 24/10/2023 07:42

Encourage your DD to have friends round more. She should be socialising with them rather than spending hours on the phone with her grandmother.

TiredMamOfTwo · 24/10/2023 07:44

I would speak to your mil yourself and tell her that if she badmouths or meddles in your parenting again that she won't be welcome round anymore.

My mil was the same, badmouthed my youngest child all the time to my face whereas my eldest couldn't do anything wrong no longer have contact with her, best thing I ever did.

TiredMamOfTwo · 24/10/2023 07:45

Also it's not normal to be on the phone that much to her grandmother, encourage her to make friends her own age!

Mrsjayy · 24/10/2023 07:47

Yeah your husband needs to have a word or even you if you have the energy ,she is going to favour her sons child but that doesn't mean she gets to be mean about her sister. The relationship between your youngest and her is good just seethe quietly.

SaracensMavericks · 24/10/2023 07:48

I think you or DH need to tell MIL that you will be limiting the phone calls if she says negative things about DD1 in future.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 25/10/2023 11:47

I want to say something. I'm seething when I hear her on the video calls. But I'm afraid it will put a strain on my marriage if I don't do like DH suggested and just ignore it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mastmw7g · 04/11/2023 08:16

My 20 year is planning on moving, and DH said he'd help move the big things like her bed. My younger daughter latched on to this and announced that MIL was right, and that he's abandoning us to cater to my older daughter's every whim. He's not. This is a normal thing to do.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 04/11/2023 08:21

Your MIL is creating trouble in your immediate family dynamic. Your DH needs to be taking this seriously. And I would seriously reduce the amount of time DD2 spends on the phone to MIL. She's 10 - you're in charge.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 04/11/2023 09:01

My husband calls his mother and hands it over to DD. So I'd need him to agree to limiting calls.

OP posts:
Daffodilsandtuplips · 06/12/2023 23:12

You need to take control of this. DH obviously isn’t or he’s not being firm enough if he has said something her in the past.
I’d very calm about it, not shouting or screaming, asking her outright just exactly what her problem is with your eldest, why does she think dd is spoilt rotten and gets all she wants, ask for examples.
the bad mouthing has to stop or else she’ll be seeing a lot less of you all.
You don’t know what kind of poison she’s dripping into your youngest’s ears.

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