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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday

29 replies

Thanksforreading · 23/10/2023 21:32

So just got back Dubai with DD (2.5 years old) and DH, plus BiL, his wife, wife’s mother, two kids aged 11 and 8, fil and mil. It was never going to be a simple family trip with that many people…
Anyway DD adores her 8 year old cousin, he plays very well with her and loves her to pieces. They sit together at breakfast for day one and two, on day three he sits next to his mum, and DD asks him to come sit next to her, he ignores her, I asked him why doesn’t he sit next to our DD, the 11 year old answers and says their mum told him he was not allowed to and if he did he was not allowed to go to the water park! BIL, FIL, MIL all heard as they were all present at the breakfast table! DH, Sil and her mother was not at the table at that point! I was shocked, sad and upset but didn’t say anything, told DH after breakfast back in hotel room. He confronted them, and she’s replied back saying she just wanted to spend some time with her son on holiday!

she’s put her two DC with her mother in a room in the hotel, went to the mall three times without the kids, did spa… the list goes on! I also think she’s never liked me as my DH goes on boys trip once or twice a year and always asked his brother but she’s always put her foot down but I encourage my DH to go so in return I get to go on girls trips! I see her once a month at family gatherings and I always say hi but she’s always in her phone and doesn’t bother.
Im I over thinking this or is she really that toxic?

OP posts:
Coffeerum · 23/10/2023 21:36

It’s weird that you asked him why he didn’t want to sit next to your toddler. He’s not the babysitter, he didn’t have to entertain your DD every time.
Even weirder that then your DH felt the need to “confront” his sister over it.
Why are you ranting about her going to the spa or the mall? How is that relevant?

ShirleyPhallus · 23/10/2023 21:41

I wouldn’t say this is toxic but just a minor disagreement / misunderstanding of two families on holiday which is a pretty intense experience

WandaWonder · 23/10/2023 21:43

This all sounds weird, as in your views on it, why on earth does it matter and why did you ask him?

WhateverMate · 23/10/2023 21:44

I imagine there's a bit more to this.

You clearly don't really like her anyway and as a PP said, perhaps her or her son (whilst too polite to say) felt he was being used to entertain your toddler.

It shouldn't matter where he wanted to sit and you shouldn't have questioned him.

1990thatsme · 23/10/2023 21:45

This is why I don’t go on this type of holiday!

Original poster
Thanksforreading · 23/10/2023 21:47

WandaWonder · 23/10/2023 21:43

This all sounds weird, as in your views on it, why on earth does it matter and why did you ask him?

I asked because he kept looking over and didn’t speak once at breakfast over the pass 30 mins or so. I genuinely just wondered, after breakfast normally I would take DD and him to the playground, 11 year old would choose to come too as she was normally bored. of course I asked my sil if I can take her son and she would be too busy on her phone and the bil would say something like sure, that’s great etc as the family would spend up to 2 hours at breakfast and my DD after 40mins wants to walk and run again. Breakfast looked out to the playground in full view as well so I wasn’t like the kids would ever be out of sight

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 23/10/2023 21:48

It doesn't matter if later in the day she does something that doesn't involve her children, she wanted to eat breakfast with him. You shouldn't have questioned it.

Original poster
Thanksforreading · 23/10/2023 21:49

Ponoka7 · 23/10/2023 21:48

It doesn't matter if later in the day she does something that doesn't involve her children, she wanted to eat breakfast with him. You shouldn't have questioned it.

Oh breakfast was a ten people sit down circle table

OP posts:
AllegroConMoto · 23/10/2023 21:51

Are you sure it wasn’t your SIL being used as an excuse? I know my parents were always happy for me to blame them for not being allowed to do something if I couldn’t think of a polite way to get out of something. Perhaps the boy told his mum he didn’t want to sit next to your DD all the time.

Ihearticecream · 23/10/2023 21:51

To say he can’t sit next to her or he won’t go to the water park is awfully cruel! Surely you are all sitting together chatting at breakfast. What does it matter exactly where. Cousins sitting together is the done thing surely!

LIZS · 23/10/2023 21:52

You are putting way too much importance on this. It was not appropriate to question your nephew or have any expectation that your dd would sit with him each time. Don't project your disappointment on others.

UsingChangeofName · 23/10/2023 21:53

I think you are misunderstanding what it is like to be related to someone who is toxic.

Coffeerum · 23/10/2023 21:53

Thanksforreading · 23/10/2023 21:49

Oh breakfast was a ten people sit down circle table

Show quote history

And???? How is that relevant?

Original poster
Thanksforreading · 23/10/2023 21:56

WhateverMate · 23/10/2023 21:44

I imagine there's a bit more to this.

You clearly don't really like her anyway and as a PP said, perhaps her or her son (whilst too polite to say) felt he was being used to entertain your toddler.

It shouldn't matter where he wanted to sit and you shouldn't have questioned him.

I don’t think he did (as in the 8 year old) when she announced she was going to the spa for a three hour package on day one, I took the kids to lost chambers (massive aquarium) and then for ice cream. Bil stayed at hotel room to game online.
day two when she said she was going to the mall for the afternoon tea with her mum, I asked her kids and bil if they wanted to join us for ski Dubai, kids jumped at the chance! So I mean the 8 year old is always keen with my DD, I’ve always been super nice because even when I was pregnant he was super interested in ‘the baby in my belly’ and always says it things like ‘ I will protect her’
the 11 year old bullies him, and the parents don’t do anything, it was super bad when he was 6 and she was 9 but it’s not so bad now because he’s grown taller and can fend for himself against his sister now.

OP posts:
sillibilli2 · 23/10/2023 22:33

It was a bit weird you asked him and you shouldn't encourage your dd to expect people to do what she wants

The no water park is mean. It sounds like your sil was put out her child opted to be with you.

I think your dh was reasonable to ask if there was a problem.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/10/2023 22:40

Hard to know what was said within their family unit behind the scenes. It could be that the son asked for a break from the toddler - which would be quite natural. Or to be with his mum. Or it could be that the SIL just wanted her son to sit with her as the 11 yo said.

But I wouldn’t have questioned why he wasn’t sitting with your toddler - Id be more likely to say “you sit with me Dd, we’ll do such and such whilst we eat” and jolly her along so that it’s a non issue.

Bex5490 · 23/10/2023 22:46

I remember my FIL asked if I wanted to go on a cruise with DH, DS, MIL, FIL, SIL and her kids and my answer was a firm not an effing chance and I like them all…

This holiday was a recipe for disaster…

In-laws should be limited to 3 days max unless you are SURE you can stomach them all for longer!

Put it down to just being around each other for too long x

WhateverMate · 23/10/2023 23:11

Christ any more digs at your sister-in-law and you'll end up in Australia 🙄

We get it, you're the super martyr holiday mum who wouldn't dream of leaving your child even to go to the toilet.

Your SIL isn't the same, she likes to relax and enjoy her holiday, so what?

You were still weird to question the boy not sitting and entertaining your child at breakfast.

It's not all about you and your toddler.

HeddaGarbled · 23/10/2023 23:30

Perhaps his mum recognised that he needed a break from your toddler. She’ll be more aware of when he’s uncomfortable that you will. He sounds lovely and it’s his parents that have brought him up that way. But lovely children shouldn’t be taken for granted and it’s a good mum who steps in and protects them.

Original poster
Thanksforreading · 24/10/2023 01:27

WhateverMate · 23/10/2023 23:11

Christ any more digs at your sister-in-law and you'll end up in Australia 🙄

We get it, you're the super martyr holiday mum who wouldn't dream of leaving your child even to go to the toilet.

Your SIL isn't the same, she likes to relax and enjoy her holiday, so what?

You were still weird to question the boy not sitting and entertaining your child at breakfast.

It's not all about you and your toddler.

Of course I wouldn’t leave my 2.5 year old to go toilet by herself…
I don’t think you read my two post above with more info, I didn’t question the 8 year old, I asked, he didn’t speak for 30mins at the breakfast table, kept looking over to my DD and was genuinely sad, hence I asked. He genuinely had fun because we always take him to places, in London or on holiday. This is not our first family holiday, it’s like number seven… it’s been two a year minus the lockdown years! We see them once a month minimum, twice or more if there’s festivities, cny, Xmas, moon cake festivities, Halloween, Easter, mother days, Father’s Day, one of the kids birthdays… and my DH is one of four, and they all have two or three kids, so I mean to ask him is not completely strange. We went to Malta and Kent this year as well together, 8 year old and DD are glued together normally, if my DD is playing with her dolly he will come and get her attention. Even when there’s more cousins and two others are the same age as him, he still asks if DD can go upstairs or into the garden with them. I’m just trying to say that they’re very close and it made me sad that he was just sad and not laughing and doing silly things as he normally does

OP posts:
Original poster
Thanksforreading · 24/10/2023 01:36

Bex5490 · 23/10/2023 22:46

I remember my FIL asked if I wanted to go on a cruise with DH, DS, MIL, FIL, SIL and her kids and my answer was a firm not an effing chance and I like them all…

This holiday was a recipe for disaster…

In-laws should be limited to 3 days max unless you are SURE you can stomach them all for longer!

Put it down to just being around each other for too long x

Yes, I totally agree it’s a disaster, every time too tbh, I don’t really have a choice, his family do two trips aboard a year, and one or more staycations too! I loved seeing all the cousins play and bond, so I would never try to get in the way to saying no to DD going and getting to know her cousins more, if I could not go I would totally do it! Just have to bite my lip, he’s one of four siblings, I’m the youngest by about a decade minimum to all his brothers wives, I have the least say, my in laws never get involved for obvious reasons. I just wanted a rant here

OP posts:
moleeye · 24/10/2023 03:32

I am your SIL in this scenario and have also come back from a holiday with extended family.

My 8 YO was expected to sit with her 2.5 YO cousin at every meal and it wore thin for her and she didn't know how to say no. I gave her a get out as well.

She loves her cousin very much but doesn't want to do everything with her.

You come across as very judgey

user1492757084 · 24/10/2023 04:43

You needs to understand that sometimes the nephew will not do things with your toddler.

Maybe the mother was getting him used to doing other things - challenging him to use socialisation skills with older kids.

Do not take any of this to heart. It is not a problem.

AnaisMae · 24/10/2023 10:44

By you asking him to sit with your DD you've put him in an awkward position. If he wanted to already have been sat there he would. There's a large age gap between 2.5 and 8, he was entitled to a little break if that's what he wanted.

The 11 YO reaction was nuts.

Their Mum has every right to go to spas and shopping, she's on holiday so you are being very judgemental there.

Bex5490 · 24/10/2023 10:59

Thanksforreading · 24/10/2023 01:27

Of course I wouldn’t leave my 2.5 year old to go toilet by herself…
I don’t think you read my two post above with more info, I didn’t question the 8 year old, I asked, he didn’t speak for 30mins at the breakfast table, kept looking over to my DD and was genuinely sad, hence I asked. He genuinely had fun because we always take him to places, in London or on holiday. This is not our first family holiday, it’s like number seven… it’s been two a year minus the lockdown years! We see them once a month minimum, twice or more if there’s festivities, cny, Xmas, moon cake festivities, Halloween, Easter, mother days, Father’s Day, one of the kids birthdays… and my DH is one of four, and they all have two or three kids, so I mean to ask him is not completely strange. We went to Malta and Kent this year as well together, 8 year old and DD are glued together normally, if my DD is playing with her dolly he will come and get her attention. Even when there’s more cousins and two others are the same age as him, he still asks if DD can go upstairs or into the garden with them. I’m just trying to say that they’re very close and it made me sad that he was just sad and not laughing and doing silly things as he normally does

Show quote history

Wow…I have to agree with the others that you sound a little judgy of your SIL but this is clearly because you are around them WAY too much. I’d get judgy if I was forced to be around anyone that much…

It’s lovely that your DH is close to his family and your DD has close cousins but 2 holidays with them a year plus every school holiday/ festival is excessive. Does he have to spend this much time around your family?

Can’t DH take DD to some of these events without you?