Tricky in law situation

[whyisswangnotaword]

Long tricky history with the in laws, very up and down relationship, always feel like we are walking on eggshells.
They want our daughter overnight for Halloween. In other words, they want her to have a sleepover at their house after they take her trick or treating.
Whilst we are not fond of interacting with them very often (we keep them at arms length) our daughter would really enjoy this as her aunty isn't too much older than her, and they like spending time together.
Here's the issue, last time she stayed overnight, she came home the next day and was in tears for a good portion of the day, due to having her legs absolutely covered in flea bites! It disrupted her sleep the next night and was generally causing her discomfort and pain.
I know they have not combatted this issue since. (They have many cats and a dog. They have learnt to live with it)
When they came to us a couple of weeks ago, I saw the state of DP's sisters legs and they are red raw and scabbed with bites all up to her knees.
I know they will have an issue and push for a reason if we say she can only go for the day.
But would I be unreasonable to tell them the truth, and prevent her from sleeping over??

My adult children wouldn't allow my grandchildren into my house, even for an hour, if it were flea-ridden. Of course not!

You’re not penalising them though. You’re looking after your daughter. They don’t have some kind of right or entitlement to your daughter that you’re taking away from them. She’s your child not theirs.

If it causes a big family rift, so be it. They’re a revolting family if they think it’s ok keep animals like that and allow other people’s children to get flea bitten. Your child’s health comes first, that’s correct parenting. And I wouldn’t want my child being around animals that are not cared for - these people are irresponsible pet owners so they are not good role models.

And if they’re scummy on this issue, I bet they’re scummy on others. You say you generally keep them at arms length and I’m sure you have good reason to.

I would say them/the pets getting fleas is not always their fault and having spent a miserable few weeks, dealing with the little fuckers recently, they seem more stubborn and more resistant.

However there is a difference between, being unlucky and getting them and not dealing with them.

@gazpachosoupday yes definitely. They can be a right pain to get rid of. But nobody in their right mind wants to live with them. Or would settle for that matter.
Except for my in-laws it seems. They have had this issue for at least the last 5 years. Accumulating more and more cats over the years has exacerbated the problem considerably

You should be calling social services. It's reprehensible that they are allowing a child to live that way.

Plus which you risk the fleas coming home with your daughter too, do you really want that?

Agreed - that poor little girl!

Sadly whilst there are many issues - SS would very likely find no issues there at all. The house appears clean (apart from the animal smells) and she is one spoilt girl that's for sure !

Of course she shouldn't go. You can tell them about the flea bites, but most of all don't let them in your bloody house!

Don't do it. I've a similar family member, they don't seem to get or care you have to hoover everyday to get rid of them and boil wash everything. They just don't have the same standards.

If you don't want to make them feel bad about the cuts you could say do you mind if we don't, I've just got rid of fleas by hoovering everyday/boil washing everything (HINT HINT) and can't risk them coming back. Or tell them she's allergic to fleas, somepeople get it much worse.

This is the worst time of year they have a resurgence when the heating comes back on. You don't want to hurt their feelings I know but you're protecting your daughter. Hopefully they ll pull their fingers out.

" I saw the state of DP's sisters legs and they are red raw and scabbed with bites all up to her knees."

She might be spoiled with material things but she's neglected. The state of her legs must be a health risk. She's your DH's sister isn't she? Why isn't he wading in and demanding his parents deal with it? It's cruel to let a child live like this.

@Lavenderosa yes I totally understand.
They have just gotten used to it, strangely.
We do not speak to them or see them at all really unless we really have to.
We have raised concerns previously to be met with nothing but ignorance.
Yes it's his sister, she is 11, and whilst still a child, and yes it's unfair , due to the nature of the family you could tell her about this and she would openly say she doesn't care, it doesn't bother her etc. it's very strange

I can’t believe you are unsure of what to do in this situation. You have to advocate for your daughter. She is more important than your in law’s feelings, why would you put her in such a situation so as not to upset someone who doesn’t care their house is infected.

I wouldn't care how much of a rift it would cause OP, there is no way I would allow anyone, let alone a child to visit a house that is infested with fleas. Simply tell them, 'No, I'm sorry, but the last time X came to visit you they came home covered in flea bites, and you clearly haven't dealt with it, as I've noticed how badly bitten DN is, so if you want DD to come and visit you, you need to make a concerted effort to get rid of the fleas!' If they say how hard it is, etc., just say 'I know it's not easy, but she's not coming again until you've sorted it!' Then stick to your guns, having put the ball firmly back in their court. You could also say this in front of your DD, and then suggest that if they want to take her trick or treating, that they pick her up from yours and drop her straight back afterwards with absolutely no detours back to their place, and you will know if they have, as doubtless your DD will have been bitten again. They would then be responsible for disappointing her, rather than you being the baddy by saying she can't go at all.

@fruitbrewhaha it was more to do with getting others opinions rather than not knowing what to do.
The answer is obvious. Sadly their reactions will not be as regular as you'd like to imagine.
Also, they asked in front her, which means she's now pestering me to go

Very simple:

"Sorry inlaws DD won't be spending time at your house until you have sorted the flea problem, we're happy for you to take her trick or treating which presumably will be outside of your home."

An 11 year old child normally doesn't have the maturity and sensibility to determine whether or not she's being neglected. She is being neglected. If a child's skin is raw and scabbed due to an ignored insect infestation, they are being neglected. The only thing strange is your and your husband's willful disregard to the abuse she's suffering. This little girl needs someone to speak up for her, FGS.

I have two dogs. One of them contracted fleas twice (I was using high street flea treatment that evident didn't work) My daughter was a tiny baby then. I contacted the vet for weapons grade.flea treatment, got a can of Indorex and vaccuumed the house thoroughly and repeatedly. There is no excuse for a pet to have fleas, and it is negligence that they are allowing it to go on. Thankfully, unlike your daughter mine wasn't bitten.

I like this approach. Thank you.
It can be really hard to be assertive with them due to past reasons that means both me and my partner suffer due to their past actions

Say no but how about suggesting they come to yours for trick or treating and hot dogs (or chilli or whatever) that evening instead.

I appreciate the suggestion, if it was a normal relationship between us all I'd definitely consider - however due to the family dynamics we have... I would much rather eat my own eyes

I have honestly seen it all now.

Should you send your daughter to a flea infested shithhole? No. Absolutely not. No question.

Honest to god I wonder how some people expect their children to grow up happy and emotionally resilient if these are the messages you're going them. Its good for children to see that you can say no to unreasonable people. Especially little girls.

Heard it all now. Do not for 1 second consider letting your child enter their house, even for a minute, until all the fleas are gone. You cannot knowingly put your child in harms way just to avoid a fall out. I’d also be calling the RSPCA and Social Services too. They sound very neglectful of their pets and their dd.

Thanks again for all of your replies.
I wholly understand everybody's point of view. And it is reassuring to know that I would not be unreasonable to decline this offer from them. (Which is what I want to do)

I find some of the comments a little harsh, as whilst I know it is not reasonable for them to live like this, it can be very difficult for us as a family to actually put our foot down with them for various reasons that aren't all to relevant to this current situation.

I wanted some outside opinions which I'm grateful to receive.

Of course I am going to protect my daughter.
It just makes it a little more tricky as I will look like the bad guy to her for saying no. As they unreasonably requested this in front of her, knowing she would get excited about it and want to go.
She comes first. I know what I will do, and always have. But I did want some opinions, as sadly I do question a lot of my decisions when it comes to them.

Duck that! I'm really affected by flea bites (and other gnat/mosquite etc beasties) I'd be telling them no until it's under control