To be fed up of the double standards?

[PaperDoIIs]

Nearly everything I do or want is stupid, reckless,wasteful,pointless etc. according to my mother, however if someone else does it(particularly my cousins) it's a good idea and the height of sophistication/adulthood.

Concrete recent example. My cousin and his wife visited my aunt while mum was there. They were both vaping and mum kept raving how fancy and sophisticated their vapes are, smelled nice, such a good idea. Oh so fancy . I am a smoker and was considering swapping to see if it helps but didn't mention it.

A few weeks later I was vaping on facetime with her.Straight away she asks "What's that crap in your mouth?", which already got my back up. I told her it was a vape and she went on a rant of how awful they are , no idea what's in them, I keep doing stupid things, when will I grow up etc.

There are hundreds of other examples just like this. Something is good/a good idea unless I'm doing it/wanting it . Sometimes she suggests things I really wanted to do as a child/teen and I was told I was stupid for wanting it, but now that I'm fairly happy in myself and accepted myself for who I am she's all up for it and I should do this or that. Mostly stuff involving appearance, like gastric bands, creams to hide my freckles etc.

AIBU to be fed up of the double standards?

Baffled

I baffled

that you have a relationship with this woman

my mum was like this. a lot of mumsnetters mums were like this. im beginning to wonder whether it was generational.

The FOG is strong. There's a lot of background, but despite it all she's still my mum. I can't hurt her like that.

are you very overweight?

is she concerned about your health?

I am, bmi 30 so officially obese. Always have been. I've been (painfully)slowly but steadily losing some weight though .

The thing is, when I was younger I did the diets, gym, trying to change my eating habits etc and it was all stupid and pointless and a waste of money and I should just eat less and eat like her and what not. I was miserable and hated myself and had low self esteem, especially sinceI was constantly told how unattractive I was and how no boy/man will want me bla bla bla.I even tentatively considered surgery , gastric bands/sleeves etc but that was also stupid. Now she raves about this person and that person that had it done, sending me links, talking about clinics abroad and all that nonsense. The difference is that now I don't hate myself for being fat anymore, and I'm not that bothered. I've accepted my fatness. She hasn't so it's all of the sudden a brilliant idea and I should look into it.

She doesn’t care about hurting you though!
Is this how you would behave to a daughter?

You need to go low contact at a minimum and just build yourself up (somehow) to laugh as she spouts the exact opposite to what she’s previously said.

Have you tried calling her out in it. Saying "hang on a min Mum, you seem to have changed your opinion on this, as last week you told cousin that vapes were a great idea, why are you saying differently to me?, do you want to humiliate me?"
Keep on pointing out her upsetting comments to her, don't just accept them. She needs to know that she is hurting you and that you won't put up with it any more.

if someone else does it(particularly my cousins) it's a good idea and the height of sophistication/adulthood.

Concrete recent example. My cousin and his wife
Is she comparing you (a women) to men? Many women think men have bright ideas, know everything etc but women are a bit stupid and know nothing.

Can you break it down further and see if it's you against men, you against higher earners, you against "better" careers/education. You might be able to see where her prejudice is showing and be able to dismiss it more easily. We already know it's her not you, but that doesn't help with the hurt. Maybe seeing where it's coming from will help you process it.

She's got zero compunction in hurting you and routinely putting you down and making you feel small, though.

She won't change.

Your low self-esteem is not its own random thing from nowhere, it looks like it's your mum's life-work.

Normally it tends to be me against other women(and I've always girled/womaned wrong) or anyone of a higher status/income regardless of sex. My cousins and his wife are also overweight, and she comments on it, but they have the high flying careers and wages and lifestyle so by extension, them vaping is sophisticated and fancy. 😂😂

I do tend to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all most of the time , but sometimes it still gets me.Like an annoying reoccurring rash.

@category12 I know. I honestly know and understand all of that on a theoretical level. It's the same advice i'd give to someone else in this situation. I just don't have it in me to do it. I can't be deliberately cruel to a random person, much less her. In my head that makes me the better person, in reality I'm probably just stupid/weak and fairly fucked up. I just know it WOULD devastate her (as weird as it sounds given her behaviour) and I just can't.

You done any counselling?

I wouldn't describe you as weak - you're strong because pretty much your whole life you've been shot down constantly.

There's the We took you to Stately Homes thread in relationships.

Quickest way to lose weight is to cut her off you will be amazed how much lighter you feel without such a negative influence in your life

Or Grey rock her be busy you don't need to cut her off completely and when she starts having a go hang up accidentally have a phone issue a knock at the door sorry mom I'm just on my way out is it important? Etc etc

A lot of us see our children as an extension of ourselves. I'm a bit selfish so I spoil my dd, for example. And, IMHO, mothers who abuse their dds, have very low self-esteem

Still keep in contact, but limit what you say to her. Don't give her any ammunition that she can use against you.

Some mothers just don't see their child.

One of my mother's more maddening things is that there's a retired historian who tends to appear on TV occasionally as a talking head on local historical issues, and she will go all awestruck and say 'He's a Big Man at the university, you know! He's published loads of books and he knows everything!'

Ladies and gentlemen, I am in fact also a professor at the same university in an allied subject, who has published a fair few books of her own. But clearly I am a different and lesser species of academic.

If it wasn't for the fact you are still talking to your mother I would think you were me!
I loved makeup as a teen and my mother almost spat her ciggy out at the frivolity of it (cost about a pound for a collection 2000 lippy 🤣) but everyone else 'looked lovely'.
I have been overweight all of my life, apparently no man would ever look twice at me, they would much rather be with my slim sister, if I was out with my sister and a man approached I would walk away.....convinced he was coming to talk to my sister anyway (probably was in fairness!).
I haven't spoken to my parents in a while and even before we stopped speaking I had got more confidence with age (I realised fatness wasn't the end of the world) but you really would benefit from speaking to your mother a lot less, it's very freeing not having them fill your head with nonsense.

That's kinda how it is now. Very superficial and i keep it as short as possible. There's a few things I'm deliberately keeping from her as I can't deal with the fuss. Every now and then she still manages to throw me a curve ball completely out of nowhere. Or she makes shit up in her head. Like when she decided DD's friend uniform was better quality than de one DD had on, despite the fact that they were both bought at the same time from the same place. Nope, the other girl's was just "better".

Just to help people understand more, I'm also adopted so that's a whole extra layer of obligation and guilt.

Spend less time with her, that's my advice. Her attitude is harmful for your motivation to do things for yourself, and damaging for your self esteem and confidence generally. It's a form of abuse, in my opinion