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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who was unreasonable?

45 replies

Batteriesnotincluded1 · 23/10/2023 07:46

Bit of context first, I am a full time carer for my DS who is disabled, therefore I do not work.
I have a hobby that I thoroughly enjoy when he's at school. My ND daughter also enjoys this hobby with me.
My son has broken up for half term (2 weeks) so the next fortnight I will be pretty much stuck at home caring for DS.

I don't normally partake in said hobby on weekends but my daughter does, on Sunday, I asked my husband if he'd mind me popping out with my daughter to said hobby as half term coming up. He was fine with this, I was there for 4 hours. I text and asked him if he'd mind cooking our son some pasta as it was getting on for 4pm and that's his normal tea time, to receive a reply of 'really'. I said is that OK? We are leaving shortly, he replied with 'bit out of order'. I was quite angry at the response so made a hurry home. We walked in at just after 5pm, he was fuming because his tea wasn't ready and he was hungry, and he goes to bed at 8pm. And how that whilst he doesn't begrudge me my hobby I have all week to do it. He reminded me that I haven't worked for 16 years.
I explained that it was a one off and I don't normally go weekends. He plays golf on Saturdays and is out 10am till 4/5pm and I reminded him of that, his response was 'It's my one day off a week'.
I actually felt like a child on a curfew, beholden to my husband's dinner times. It's not like I stayed out partying till 1am. I just feel very upset about this and wondered what others thoughts were.

OP posts:

Gerrataere · 23/10/2023 09:22

Fulshaw · 23/10/2023 09:16

I think you’re in the right as it was a one-off but some posters are missing the fact that the OP’s disabled son is at school during the week and she is doing her hobby while her DH is working.

Caring for a disabled child is working in itself. She may have the daytime in the week to herself but every minute your disabled child is at home, you are working - day and night. Even when at school there are meetings, paperwork, appointments to chase and attend. It’s pathetic the husband couldn’t make his own dinner and spoke to her in any negative manner because she had dared to go out for a few hours on the weekend. Him going out to work is completely irrelevant in this situation.

clpsmum · 23/10/2023 09:23

Why are you with such a wanker???

WTLife · 23/10/2023 09:26

Wow your husband gets a day off a week. Where's your day off a week? Caring for a disabled child is 24/7. He needs to give his head a wobble.

Whitepeacelily · 23/10/2023 10:00

Op, it looks like your son is at school everyday in term time so that is a lot of free time for you to do your hobby. And your DH gets one day a week for his.

I actually think this is a good deal unless your husband does absolutely nothing at home and you work every weekend and evenings. I would add up each person's free time allowance and see if it's fair. If you have less free time than your DH then this is a calm conversation you need to have. If he genuinely gets less, than this might be where the snarky text stems from. Maybe he thinks (rightly or wrongly) you have more flexibility and free time than him .

Whitepeacelily · 23/10/2023 10:02

Just to add, he is BU for fuming and sending irritated texts instead of communicating calmly

Original poster

Batteriesnotincluded1 · 23/10/2023 17:01

This! Thankyou, your are right. I never fully switch off and even at night when sleeping I am on alert incase he wakes. I didn't choose this life, I would be out at work if I could, but unfortunately the out of normal hours childcare for SEN children is near to none.

OP posts:

Original poster

Batteriesnotincluded1 · 23/10/2023 17:04

Hour for hour, during term time I probably do get more free time than him, and that's why I don't do my hobby on a normal weekend as I have been there mostly during the week. This situation arose because I am going into 2 weeks half term and will be housebound for those 2 weeks and decided to partake in my hobby on the Sunday before my son broke up.

OP posts:

cansu · 23/10/2023 17:09

He thinks that as you don't work you are essentially beholden to him and that any childcare is your responsibility. He also thinks that you are obliged to do all the housework and meals. He is essentially living in the 1950s.

I really recommend that you deal with this now. Start taking time at the weekend for yourself. Of course you should be able to go out by yourself or with your dd at the weekend. The idea that you should come home to cook for him is laughable.

If he is unhappy that you don't work you need to have a separate conversation about this. Ultimately by not working you have given him a lot more control in your relationship than is healthy for you.

Ktime · 23/10/2023 17:10

You need to go out a lot more often, he needs to cook and care for dc a lot more often.

And if the dickhead doesn’t like it, divorce him.

cansu · 23/10/2023 17:10

Whitepeacelily The OP may have more free time in the week but presumably that means she can't go out in the evening or out with friends who work. Is her life only meant to be enjoyable in school hours?

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 23/10/2023 17:11

Your DH sounds utterly vile 😮

Im so sorry you have him to deal with. You sound like your doing a great job with your kids.

Original poster

Batteriesnotincluded1 · 23/10/2023 17:17

CANSU, I think you have hit the nail on the head there.

OP posts:

unsync · 23/10/2023 17:49

So when is your day off then?

Original poster

Batteriesnotincluded1 · 23/10/2023 17:51

Well, I haven't got one for 2 weeks so sometime in November 😂

OP posts:

LylaLee · 23/10/2023 17:54

Probably friends with the biscuit dad from the other thread.

romdowa · 23/10/2023 17:58

I certainly wouldn't have rushed home. Time to stop pandering to your spoilt dh

Orangello · 23/10/2023 18:15

You were of course U to remind him that his own child needs to be fed while in his care. And he was fuming he had to make his own food? Is he 3?

BitofaStramash · 23/10/2023 18:18

Your DH is a dick and his behaviour is appalling.

ParisHi1ton · 23/10/2023 18:23

Have you considered going back to work?

Telling your DH that he may need to work condensed hours/give up his Sat golfing to enable you to do so and then he can care for his child on those days when you're working?

You are both equal parents, if he can't handle a few hours of parenting his child, why does he think you have it easy doing it 24/7? That's fucked up logic.

If your role as main carer was easy, he would have happily done it for a few hours; he can't have it both ways.

lanthanum · 23/10/2023 18:26

I would not have expected "popping out" to mean four hours - I'd expect less than an hour. So perhaps the problem was just in the communication, and if you'd said "not sure when we'll be back, if it gets to 4pm can you cook some pasta?", perhaps that would have been okay.

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