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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My wife has an eating disorder, world is falling apart

124 replies

Alldoooomed · 22/10/2023 20:22

Not really an AIBU but just need some support I guess. My wife (same sex couple) has developed an eating disorder and is very unwell. She is restricting all food and vomiting after every single thing she eats, up to 10 times a days. She is also exercising obsessively. I just don't know what to do or how to support her. We have 2 primary aged children and were about to do our frozen embryo transfer, which obviously we can't do now. I'm so scared she is going to end up dead. She has started cbt but it is one session a week. She ended up in a and e with chest pains last week and although bloods were normal, her low heart rate was concerning. I dont think she sees how serious this is. What should I do? How can I help? Thank you!

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 22/10/2023 20:40

There's little you can do to help her unless she admits she has a problem and wants help - and even then she'll need to do the heavy lifting for herself.

One thing you can do is call her gp and let them know how concerned you are.

You can also let her know how concerned you are. But don't take on the responsibility of trying to make her eat or stop her exercising, just support her of she wants help.
Look after yourself and the children.

bonzaitree · 22/10/2023 21:02

What does she say about the situation?

yogasaurus · 22/10/2023 21:04

She needs to get help; the children shouldn’t be around this.

Original poster
Alldoooomed · 22/10/2023 21:08

She knows how concerned I am. She feels totally out of control and is trying to get help and wants to stop. The children have no idea and have not been exposed to her vomiting in any way. Of that I am absolutely sure.

OP posts:
Angryappendix · 22/10/2023 21:09

How did you find out OP? Because if she told you herself then that’s a great sign she is ready for help or to try and recover?

There is a lot you can do to help, talk to her when she needs it, help her do research into why she might do this or how it began and how it makes her feel.
Did something trigger it? Is she stressed?

Self help can be really useful to supplement the CBT, there are some great podcasts to listen to if you research them.
She needs to learn what’s making her to do and find a new coping mechanism.

Angryappendix · 22/10/2023 21:12

Seeking help and wanting to stop are very positive signs. She can do this with your support, it might take a while and not be easy or straightforward but she can do it, tell her that!! Tell her she can tell you ANYTHING even if she goes backwards. Recovery is not a straight path.

Original poster
Alldoooomed · 22/10/2023 21:12

Thank you. Yes, she told me straight away and is totally honest with me. She doesn't know what triggered it. I don't know what coping mechanism to suggest. She will not stop vomiting after eating and says she just can't. But she does want to and says she is trying. I'm honestly just so scared this will kill her.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 22/10/2023 21:14

I would talk to BEAT, the eating disorder charity.

Engaging in help is a good sign, but she really needs to be working with someone with specialist experience.

It’s a really difficult thing to go through, so make sure you get support too.

Original poster
Alldoooomed · 22/10/2023 21:15

Thank you. I will look into Beat tomorrow.

OP posts:
Bideshi · 22/10/2023 21:15

Have you read Hadley Freeman's book 'Good Girls' which is both her own story and a fairly in depth study of anorexia and its treatment. It's very good on the mindset of anorexia sufferers. Might help. Knowledge is power. Also might shed light on what doesn't work.
Good luck.

Original poster
Alldoooomed · 22/10/2023 21:15

Thank you.

OP posts:
Circumferences · 22/10/2023 21:17

Has this developed recently or has she always been like this, but to a less extreme?

I'm not surprised you're worried. It's terrible watching someone self destruct like that, and how it makes you feel so powerless is unbearable.

Has she been under considerably more stress recently? Has she had a bereavement? Does she have PTSD that you know of?

Original poster
Alldoooomed · 22/10/2023 21:18

It just feels like it came out of nowhere, although she has always been quite disordered with eating and always obsessed with losing weight etc. She is understandably really upset and it is hard seeing a loved one so distressed. We have a very strong relationship, we've been together for 17 years now but it feels like our world has been turned upside down. I just want to return to normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alldoooomed · 22/10/2023 21:19

No ptsd or bereavement etc. We have just done ivf again, froze everything, ready for a transfer that was supposed to be happening now, but I've said no way can I do that now with her so unwell. No other stresses I can think of.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 22/10/2023 21:19

Getting help for any sort of MH disorder may not be forthcoming whilst your wife has capacity and can enter treatment voluntarily. It is a very sad fact of the state of NHS budgets and commissioning.

Somehow you will have to find the money to pay for private care.

Good luck.

Original poster
Alldoooomed · 22/10/2023 21:21

Do you think the gp can help? She has been and got cbt, which is one hour per week. I'm sure cbt is excellent but it just feels like so little.

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 22/10/2023 21:29

Will she allow you to go back to the GP with her and ask for a psychiatric referral? I expect if she went on her own to see the GP initially there’s a risk she hasn’t explained how bad it really is.

betsyannegrey · 22/10/2023 21:30

My dd has recovered from anorexia and is doing really well, so it is possible with the right help.

An hour of cbt a week is not going to cut it.
Do you have health insurance? We had to pay for private treatment. Combination of anti depressants, therapy and dietitian pulled her through.

I won't lie, it was pretty awful. I had to stop working and my every waking moment was spent with her. We had a few trips to A&E, like you I was terrified her heart would give in, but even when she looked skeletal, her heart was absolutely fine.

Read up on the MARSIPAN guidelines, that is the basis of the best treatment.

Wishing you the very best

warriorofhopelessness · 22/10/2023 21:32

Have any medical causes been ruled out?

C4tintherug · 22/10/2023 21:32

My daughter had anorexia (thankfully recovered)
one of the hardest things about it is that it damages the brain so their behaviours become more and more compulsive. You basically have to force her to eat. If she was taken in as an inpatient that is all they would do. Counselling won’t work if the brain is starved, she needs to be nutritionally well before she can do counselling.
My daughter had an eating plan, 3 meals, 3 snacks per day, and life stops unless she ate. No school/work/friends/ anything she liked until she ate. It was horrific at the time and she swore at everyone etc but eventually it did pay off and she started to recover.

Original poster
Alldoooomed · 22/10/2023 21:38

Thank you very much (sorry, not sure how to respond to each post). She does have health insurance and is booking an urgent gp appointment for tomorrow. Does anyone know once proper treatment is in place how long recovery or just getting a little better usually takes?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alldoooomed · 22/10/2023 21:40

I'm very pleased to hear your DDs recovered - to the previous posters.

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 22/10/2023 21:44

No one will be able to tell you how long it will take for her to recover unfortunately.

The most important thing is to be seen by a professional who can join all the dots and put together a picture of what is happening. The trigger could be medical, hormonal, environmental or a combination of all of them. It sounds like an incredibly stressful situation for both of you so good luck getting the help she needs.