To be annoyed that my boyfriend doesn’t initiate, but will be very enthusiastic once prompted?

[MrsPeach94]

My boyfriend is not the type of person who will sit and plan something - I very much am.
Our 3 year anniversary is coming up very soon and I’m excited, I’ve been looking at ideas for things for us to do during the day. I know he definitely has not.
I mentioned the other day that we don’t have very long and did he have any ideas of things to do that day. He said no but he will look. I reminded him again today and he said “oh yes” and then we looked together at some ideas.
I just feel like if I didn’t bring this up, he wouldn’t have looked at anything or thought of any ideas before the day came. When I said this to him, he said it was unfair as I don’t know that that’s true.

It’s the same with holidays. He says he’s useless at travel and looking for things to book so he won’t do it spontaneously. If I ask him to help me plan something then he happily will.

When we were first dating, he’d booked me firework tickets as a surprise with zero prompting. He says it’s different now as we live together and don’t need to do big gestures as we did when we saw each other once a week.

I always see things like “if they wanted to they would” so I guess it makes me worry?

i hope this makes sense? He’ll always be up for planning things but just needs prompting which makes me sad

3 years is a long time to be in a relationship. Your boyfriend must have some redeeming qualities. Speaking from the 25 years of experience (same guy) you have 2 options 1. stop planning and wait. I expect it will be some time before your boyfriend does anything. When he makes a move act super excited so hopefully this will be an encouragement to keep him going. 2. Plan everything yourself without resentment. I have been married for 24 years and I have literally planned every single holiday, birthday party and celebration. If your bloke is otherwise kind, thoughtful, reliable etc don't dampen is affection for you by implying he is lacking in some areas. Accept him for who is. Live and let live

You’re right. He’s caring, he’s kind, he really looks after me if I’m down or poorly. He’s a really good guy and has never said a nasty word to me.
I guess just remembering what he did with the fireworks night before, and being told all the time that guys “would if they wanted to” worries me

People have different strengths. As long as he pulls his weight in other ways, you can't expect him to be the same as you. I do all this kind of planning, but DH does most of the day-to-day boring shit. We do equal shares overall, but I'm more strategy and he's more operations, which works out well and plays to our strengths. If we were both good at the same thing, it wouldn't work so well. And tbh, because I'm the sort who likes to initiate and have these ideas, I'd be less keen on going along with whatever he came up with, as it wouldn't be as good, ha ha. Your situation would only annoy me if he was useless all round.

being told all the time that guys “would if they wanted to” worries me

I wouldn't waste time being worried by abstract shit if the reality is it's all good.

What you see is what you get, so take him as he is or leave him. That's your only option.

My concern is that you already have resentment about this. How are you going to feel when you have a major birthday, 40 or 50, and he does nothing? Which is exactly what he will do.

Some people may tell you that him not making an effort doesn't matter if he's good in other ways, but it does matter if it matters to you.

I don't think you're expecting the moon and the stars, you would just like him to make a bit of effort occasionally. I agree with you. However, if you're able to accept his limitations because he other qualities outweigh this "deficiency", then I suggest you reconcile with that right now and let it go.

I do agree that "men would do if they wanted to". However, their lists of priorities is not the same as women's! In my married life experience, the more my man is prodded to do things, the more he is going to be dragging his feet and then complain about me "controlling" his "time". Which puts us both in a foul mood. If I just let go, things will get done, not on the same schedule and not to the same standard but they will be done. On the other hand, I don't need to worry about maintaining the car or switching the electricity supplier. I would say, accept with gratitude what your boyfriend does for you and let go of the rest. No one is perfect in every area.