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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so preoccupied with how things “should” be that I am forgetting to live??

27 replies

lemonadeyum · 22/10/2023 14:55

I live my life worrying about shoulds. That my time on holiday “should” be spent doing more adventurous things, that I “should” be going out to bars and clubs more because I’m only 25, that me and my boyfriend “should” be having sex each morning, that I “should” be feeling happier all the time etc. I guess I see a lot of videos and content on what other people are doing as well, or other couples.

it’s really hard to explain but how do I stop worrying about what I should be doing and just live?

OP posts:
freedomseeking · 22/10/2023 15:23

One thing that has helped me is to live life with goals not expectations. It is perfectly fine to choose to work towards an objective, but that comes from a place of choice not compulsion.

For example: “I should do the washing up” has been replaced in my head with “I can choose to wash up, or to leave it on the side. I would like to have a clean kitchen. Therefore I choose to do the washing up to work towards that objective”.

It is also helpful to notice and record your “should” thoughts - not to challenge them initially, but to notice what they are and where they come from. Are they things you want to do, or something that is driven by outside influences?

RommyRommyRommm · 22/10/2023 15:30

Should is a negative, use could if you must. The people who record their entire lives on SM clearly have too much time on their hands. It’s just a mass bragfest & very yawny 🥱

QforCucumber · 22/10/2023 15:31

Delete social media - all of it!

Catza · 22/10/2023 16:53

Another vote for deleting social media and maybe seeing your GP about anxiety.

notacooldad · 22/10/2023 16:54

Delete social media - all of it!
Including Mumsnet?

Eddyraisins · 22/10/2023 16:59

It is so true that you don't know the half of what goes on in people's lives.

Life is so mellow and free if you just go with the flow. Drop expectations and just live and enjoy.
I mean to a point obviously but life isn't 100 percent perfect its just not.

tallyhass · 22/10/2023 17:00

I'm sorry, but don't listen to the advice of ppl saying saying you should delete social media! It's there for a reason and use it to your advantage!

I was like you. I had a lot of 'should's... but I decided to do whatever I wanted to do and that meant a lot travelling. So it depends really.. what do you want to do?
Just make sure you're doing it for yourself only!

SaracensMavericks · 22/10/2023 17:03

There are some things we do need to do, eg get to work on time, maintain standards of hygiene etc. But all the things in your post are "nice to have"s. Don't do them unless you actually want to!

millsiem · 22/10/2023 18:11

Have a think about who you follow on social media - does watching videos from someone actually cause you to think negatively about your life? If so, you'd probably be better off without their content.

LegendsBeyond · 22/10/2023 18:14

Practice mindfulness. Do some guided meditations. The Calm App is good.
I agree with getting rid or reducing your social media use. It can be toxic.

TheBlueandtheGrey · 22/10/2023 18:21

Get off social media it’s absolute bollocks and stop comparing yourself to the touched up photos that may be staged.

Noicant · 22/10/2023 18:26

I found a bit if gratitude helps give me perspective on stuff. Every Friday night DH and I have a drink together and first thing we do is state something we are grateful for. It doesn’t have to be massive, last week mine was “I’m grateful that DD has settled into school and is happy going in the morning”. It sounds really cheesy but it does actually give you focus on your own life and whats going right for you specifically. I started out by trying to find 3 things a day, it’s become ingrained to be a bit grateful for what I do have, how my life is and don’t spend much time thinking about what other people are doing anymore.

BertieBotts · 22/10/2023 18:32

Get off the internet. Seriously.

Yes including Mumsnet!

You'll know in yourself if you can cut down to lower amounts, or whether you need to actually cut certain sites/apps out cold turkey. (Be honest!) But this is a chronically online kind of problem. The cure for it is spending less time consuming content online, and more time meaningfully interacting with life.

whatamess100 · 22/10/2023 18:33

Sm is pathetic so many try hards, showing off and honestly they are winging it like the rest of us but they are good a pretending to be perfect alllll the time!

Perfect face, perfect beige " asthetic" partner, home, dog & kids lol honestly i laugh because we all know that behinde that 1min reel is a person whos stressing to fuck thats she not perfect enough.

Do what makes you feel happy you have one life and its too short to be worrying about what you should be doing. Most of the ppl on here dont have their shit together, it's normal!

Luckydog7 · 22/10/2023 18:38

I've had similar, it manifested as anxiety (worrying about the future) and depression. Both mild enough that it didn't feel like that to me until I had therapy which scored me on those scales. I've had 6 sessions of cbt which has calmed it down slightly and given me some coping mechanisms.

Coastalwalks · 22/10/2023 18:42

OP I used to feel much the same way about clubbing, sex etc ... but then I realised that I felt like this for two reasons:

  1. post-lockdown I felt like I had squandered my early 20s in an unhappy relationship, and then locked in house due to covid. I also saw lots of pictures of friends of friends out in clubs in Berlin etc... so I went clubbing a bit and then realised that I don't really enjoy it that much and once or twice a year is enough for me! So now completely not bothered.
  2. A friend of mine used to claim that she wanted to have sex four times a day. Four! I live with DP and inevitably when you live together you're not necessarily hanging from the ceiling shagging 8 times a day! Spoke to my partner about how I felt and we both do it how and when it works for us... what other people do really doesn't matter!

So in short there is no point comparing yourself to others and agree with other advice that you should focus on things that make you happy and that you enjoy :) you are young and it's normal to compare yourself to others but best to try not to xx

hopeishere · 22/10/2023 18:44

notacooldad · 22/10/2023 16:54

Delete social media - all of it!
Including Mumsnet?

Mumsnet is not social media. It's a website.

So yeah, get off social media. I remember my first holiday with now DH. I thought it would be a sex fest. It wasn't but we still had a great time!!

Libertass · 22/10/2023 18:46

It is not actually compulsory to use social media. This may come as a surprise to many people under 30, but it’s true. Life existed before Facebook, Instagram, TikTok etc etc were invented.

If the content you are watching & reading is making you unhappy or envious or dissatisfied with your own life, the obvious thing to do is to close your accounts and delete the apps. You might be surprised how little you miss it.

1990thatsme · 22/10/2023 18:52

Agree with coming off SM. I am 33 and lots of my friends don’t bother with it any more.

If you want to go out more, that’s fine, arrange that with like minded friends and do it. If you’re not bothered, and are happy staying in, what’s the problem?

Life is short and it’s YOUR life to live as you choose. I am just wondering if maybe you do want things to be a little different than they are?

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/10/2023 18:53

Mumsnet is not social media. It's a website. So is Facebook a website. But that's generally regarded as social media.

goglen · 22/10/2023 18:54

Interesting thread, I’m slightly younger than you and exactly the same. I never used to seek validation but I do all the time now. Your twenties are definitely the ‘panic years’. It’s hard not to compare or to worry you should be doing more or less of something, not having enough fun, not saving enough etc. I think it’s common at our age. Hoping it settles.

notacooldad · 22/10/2023 18:55

Delete social media - all of it!
Including Mumsnet?
Mumsnet is not social media. It's a website.

The definition of SM is :Social
media refers to the means of interactions among people in which they create, share, and/or exchange information and ideas in virtual communities and networks. This is exactly what mumsnet is!!!

fishfingersandtoes · 22/10/2023 18:56

Come off social media including YouTube for a couple of weeks and see if it dissipates.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/10/2023 18:58

I've reached the age of 50 and I no longer care what other people do or measure myself up to others. It's a confidence thing and you learn as you go through life that things aren't always what they seem. eg that perfect couple you know are having major marital difficulties and it's hanging on by a thread. The family you know whose family holidays look perfect on social media mean that half the holiday time is spent setting up the perfect "look" without just "being in the moment". And the other half of the time the kids have spent squabbling and the weather's been shit. Most people's lives that they present to others on social media is totally curated.

Start listening to your older friends and colleagues cos mostly they'll just tell it like it is and they're past caring whether they're living up to some imaginary standard. Young people are too worried about living up to the "benchmark" of life. They worry that they're "succeeding at being an adult." There IS no benchmark. You just have to do you.

I now lie bed most Saturday mornings till 9.30 and sometimes later whereas I used to think I had to get up and clean the house from top to bottom. Now I just bimble around in my dressing gown not doing much. Not "achieving". I used to beat myself up about that, especially when (some) work colleagues used to say what they'd done at the weekend and how busy they'd been. Then I had a conversation with someone else at work about lie ins. And she said "Oh, I don't get up till 11am at the weekend. I love it." She gave not one shit if anyone thought she was lazy. It's just how she chose to use her weekend time, now that she COULD have big lie ins after raising her family.

QforCucumber · 22/10/2023 19:01

@notacooldad Yup - I did for a good 6 months, mn and fb messenger are all I have now and it’s made a world of difference.
I no longer doom scroll the moment I wake up, I no longer care what other peoples skirting board dusting regimes are, and I spend a hell of a lot less time staring into my screen and much more time actually present with dh and the kids.

i was that person who ‘didn’t have time’ to cook midweek or workout or read, turns out I do - I was just wasting that time.