Late teen reluctant to let me go, but only on her terms.

[alltheleads]

Long story short...
My daughter has gone through some pretty horrendous stuff over the last few years and basically became a recluse( unless socialising) and refused school and slept all hours of day and night.
She refused counselling and medical intervention but did respond to reverse
psychology and sat her exams and did surprisingly well.
She is now at uni and is happy. It's wonderful to see a return to her old self.

However, I have rekindled my relationship with my partner. We split for a year as I could t cope anymore with my life as a single full time working parent and my partner simultaneously was going through some stuff which rendered him almost depressed and he had lost his mojo completely.
He has had months off f therapy and is back to his old self so we've decided to try again now that our lives are back on an even keel.
My daughter and partner always got in great . They had a great laugh and he is and was very good and generous to her. She has no relationship with her Dad and was very upset when my partner and I split.
My issue now is that when she is at home she will stay in her room, maybe join us for dinner/ film/ chats now and again but mostly works and sleeps after her week at uni. All fair enough and normal .
However the issue is that she wants all of my attention at her beck and call. So when it suits her , she wants to do xyz but will also change her mind just like that if she's not in the mood. I always spend a good bit of time with her when she's home
From uni. We go for coffee, shopping, chill out and watch tv and I bring her to and from work .. purely for the one in one time.
I know she likes my partner but I think she may feel threatened about the time he spends with me/ us and that she may be left out.
It never has happened nor will it where he takes priority but I accept that after the horrible few years, I have been her constant and she wants to' control' that for want of a better word.
She wants everything on her terms and guilt is eating me up and drawing boundaries.
Please 🙏 lease advise me.
Thank you

So when it suits her, she wants to do xyz but will also change her mind just like that if she's not in the mood.

Can you be a bit more specific- how is it affecting you? When she changes her mind what do you say?

She might suggest that we go for
Lunch or drinks and then may get tired or a friend may contact her that she hasn't seen in ages and will just change her mind.
It doesn't bother me that she changes her mind but if I am then not free or have a previous plan , she gets annoyed. She can be quite entitled which is in part my own fault as I've been too accommodated dating to her demands as I've felt so sad for her

You are letting her call all the shots . Set some boundaries and stuck to them . She will be well aware that you are pussy footing around her - so stop doing it

I really am @Fidgety31 . I hate that I do it. It's guilt and I have dreadful anxiety as it is. I'm afraid of failing her

It doesn't bother me that she changes her mind but if I am then not free or have a previous plan , she gets annoyed.

So her changing her mind last minute isn’t really the issue? It’s her expecting you to be available whenever she wants? If that’s the case, I’d just stay calm and reiterate you have previously agreed plans but you could do X at whatever time suits you. It’s OK to have your own life.

This is the issue at heart@NoSquirrels ... I feel guilty for having my own life. It has revolved around them solely for one year and they all live that but the others get on with their own lives and luckily that all adore my partner even though they only see him once a week.

I know that's not what the thread is about, but I could have written the first lines. What was the revers psychology that worked?

She's 19 not 9.
You need to put your foot down otherwise she will keep on doing the same and you will have no life of your own. She is clearly not a recluse as she goes to uni and out with friends.
Stop letting her rule your life

You have to start suiting yourself or you will live like this indefinitely. Shes not going to simply give up control and leave you to it. She is going to try to make you feel guilty so you will give in constantly.

You need to sit down with her and tell her this. That you care and want to help but you have to be able to live your own life...and you're going to (unless you prefer to stay like this)

I think just explain it to her - it’s fine if you have to cancel, but just keep in mind I might be booked up the other time.

Reverse psychology in that I explained that it was entirely her decision to do her exams and I would support her no matter but if she didn't do those exams she was getting a full time job and either contributing as an adult with lodger rules or moving out. She was horrified !

Not if she didn't pass, if she didn't go to school.

Could you say to her "if you would like to do coffee I am free xx this week, but definitely can't do zz". If you instigate these conversations, you can tell her in advance when you are not free. It's a baby step towards her being able to let go a bit more.

Shes an adult now. Tell her what your boundaries are.

She's an adult, stop pussyfooting about with her.

It sounds like you're doing plenty with her when she's home, so have a chat with her in advance about what hers and your plans are and tell her to stop messing you about!

Drop the idea that you should ALWAYS put your kids first. It's not true even when they're little and it's totally wrong when they are adults, leading to little Miss Entitled here. Think about why you have that belief and not doing so is failing your children. It's actually failing them to do so.

Have a wee chat with her about it being very rude to drop an agreed 'thing'' with one person in favour of someone else. She shouldn't do it to anyone (including you) and she shouldn't expect others (including you) to do it for her. It's bad manners and hurtful to the dropped person, and if she keeps on with this she will damage all sorts of friendships and relationships in future.

You contradict in you post, and I am inclined to think you baby her. You said she was became a recluse except when out socialising, that is the exact opposite of a recluse. Stop being such a wet blanket and treat her like an adult !

I have a very good friend who was in the exact same position.

A lovely mum who was far more of a 'carer' than me. She had been a sahm until divorce and then had a job that was flexible enough for her to carry on with the full time mummying (even though they were late teens by this point) .

It is her default mode . She was doing all the stuff I had stopped post primary school and getting cross about their lack of responsibility. ie making pack lunches, cleaning their rooms, doing their washing and putting it away. Not expecting any help around the house (no chores - just waited on hand and foot)

Then she met her partner . Child had gone to Uni so her waitress-mode had changed. Mum had got her own life ... then child came home for the summer and all hell broke out.

Massive tantrums that mum wasn't at beck and call. Just like OPs daughter, would demand shopping trips , lunches , Guilt mum into cancelling plans with partner - then cancel on her when a more fun offer came up with friends. This is just a snap shot. The child's behaviour was appalling. Basically accusing mum of putting her partner first and behaving like a 5 year old.

I encouraged her to sit her down and try to talk to her as an adult. It wasn't going to happen overnight as frankly mum had been such a wet blanket with the kids for years- that a lot was that she had made a Rod for her own back and will take a long time to undo..

The ONE thing she did manage to put implement was a diary. She gave her child her diary for the week with her time blocked out. Told child to put in times and activities they wanted to do together. BUT explained clearly that if they cancelled then they may not be able to rebook her as her 'blocked time' was non-negotiable and child had advanced warning.

It isn't perfect but the beginning of a boundary and made for an easier time and relieved my friends guilt .

Just to add. Friend also tried the 'child is having a hard time, emotionally fragile etc' - She isn't. She's a robust 21 year old . Actually a lovely young woman when not manipulating her mother.. she has just been patented by both her parents with indulgence and no boundaries. So this is the result.