...to think I'm not just here for stress relief?

[ItWasneaMe]

Maybe I'm being selfish, but - I have always gone to bed at around 22:30. I'm usually knackered and I don't sleep well as I'm up every hour or so to pee as well as now having arthritis in my hips which can be excruciatingly painful at times when I'm in bed.

DH comes up to bed at around 01:00 and often then expects me to wake up for sex. I hate it, as I'm always half asleep so not really in the mood.

We have recently come back from a 3 week road trip, with friends, when we were going to bed at the same time, so had lots of sex. Also helps that the kids are not around. We have thin walls and adult kids still living at home, so we always feel a bit shy of having sex in our own home, unless we know they aren't in the house!

However, right now, DH is at risk of being made redundant - as we are both almost 60, it's not the best time for this to happen [when is it?]. He is very stressed and is now blaming me for it, as I don't have sex with him often enough. I am a regular runner and he will always comment that "you have your running, I need sex". That rankles as a run is not a replacement for sex. I'm happy to have sex 'as well as', not 'instead of'.

Am I being unreasonable not to want sex at silly times in the morning, even as 'stress relief' for him? Should I be making the effort, even if I'm knackered and not in the mood?

No! God! He’s being an idiot.

First of all - you don’t owe him stress relief - he is an adult and should work out his own way of dealing with stress.

Secondly, sex is great but no one should be expecting someone else to sacrifice their sleep for it. If he really wants it he should come to bed earlier.

Thirdly, sulking and blaming you is grim

Omg you’re not a sex doll! Wtf??! If he wants stress relief he can go to the bathroom and have a wank!

I’m actually shaking my head, wondering what planet some people live on. YOU should only have sex when YOU want it. There’s literally nothing else to it.

Waking someone for sex is totally selfish, why can’t he come to bed with you at 10.30 if he wants sex, then go back to whatever he’s doing for a couple of hours.
Tell him in no uncertain terms, waking you for sex is not on and you won’t be doing it again.
Tell him if he’s stressed he can come running with you… selfish sod.

I wonder what would happen if you woke him up at 6 am and insisted he comes running with you, or you'll be upset & angry & in a mood with him all day.

That's the direct comparison.

Oh how gross, he thinks your vagina is a stress ball? I think not. Tell him to do one, and he's stressing YOU out with his gross attitude to your body.

He is completely in the wrong - it’s actually disgusting he thinks that’s acceptable.

on another note - have you considered that you might have bursitis in your hips if they really hurt when you lie in bed? Common amongst runners and if you lie on your side. Just a thought, unrelated, but might help.

Your running doesn't require his involvement or consent. There is a world of difference between the two!

Tell him to do one, you are not just there to serve his needs. He can have a wank if he needs to.

Tell him to take up running, which doesn't involve sticking something unwanted into another person's body.

Alternatively, tell him to fuck right off.

This whole 'men have needs' narrative gives me the dry boak. The whining and sulking are enough to make anyone's fanny shrivel up forever.

Do you ever actually enjoy having sex with him? He sounds horrible 🤢

My husband would feel the sharp side of my tongue if he tried to wake me for sex. The absolute height of selfishness.

And my husband is the type who will go to bed before me, be fully asleep, and then will wake full of beans for sex as I get in! (I don't mind that to be clear, but waking a person is out of order).

If he coerces you into sex when you don’t want it, it’s rape. Remember this and use it to stiffen your resolve when you’re woken in the middle of the night.

Ewww
This is beyond awful OP, how can you respect him when he shows such fundamental disrespect for you?

YANBU! I’d struggle to have sex at all with someone that selfish. I actually find what you’ve described repellant! Mainly because his attitude is entirely focused on his own needs and pleasure on demand.

Ewwwww, you're not his sex toy. You're meant to be his partner.

If you want sex with him (and with an attitude like that, I can't imagine why you would) when you're going to bed, invite him up for sex. But in no uncertain terms he needs to know waking you for it is foul and disgusting and sooooo many levels of selfish!!

My jaw dropped at waking you up at 1am for sex!! The rest is just really selfish and grim - being his stress relief and the sulking is a horrendous attitude.

Wow, his behaviour is disgusting.

He's being made redundant because he doesn't go to bed at a time conducive to having a better sex life?

This is disgusting. Read about sexual coercion, and please prioritise your wellbeing. Have you engaged in sex when you didn’t really want to at any point in your marriage? If so, your nervous system will have registered the experience as SA.