To not go to his family party..

[northernbird1988]

I don't speak to my husband's family and haven't for 3 years. In particular his parents and brother. Other family members are ok. Very toxic and I found life much more peaceful once I went NC with them.

His uncle (who I actually like and have respect for) is terminally unwell. They are having a family party which parents and brother will be present. I haven't been in their company since 2020 and don't intend to be.

They live 5 hours away so my options are - let husband go without me and take the kids - the youngest being 18 months and never been apart from. Go but stay in a hotel and don't attend the party, just go and see uncle once everyone has left. Or tell husband he isn't taking kids and can go alone. I haven't stopped them seeing the kids my issue is between me and them. I'm quite happy being seen as the Meghan markle of that family!

What would you do?

It’s his uncle. I would let him say what he would like.

Or go along to the party, but his brother is vile and can't control his mouth and I know he'll mouth off about me one way or another and it's not the environment for arguments.

I’d go to the party, it’s for his uncle who you get on with.

do not let arseholes spoil your time with someone you like and get on with,

@2chocolateoranges I've said all along his uncle and auntie are the only family members who I don't just tolerate, I like them. His auntie has stuck up for me a couple of times against his mum, and his uncle is a very generous and kind man.

Definitely definitely go to the party. It’s for his uncle, who you like. It’s basically his “goodbye” party isn’t it? You’ll regret not going.

However if the accomodation situation is staying with the family members who you have issues with, then I think a great compromise is you staying with DH and child in a nearby hotel. That way you’re able to fully control how long you need to be around people and can slip out of the party relatively early.

Say that your son is having sleeping issues so better for you to have your own space in hotel or something like that.

Let DP decide whether or not to take children and, if you think the party would be truly awful, visit uncle on a different weekend.

Your idea of going to see the uncle after seems sensible. Let your husband and kids go to the party without you, whilst you have a couple of hours in the hotel.Why chase drama.

Why not all travel to the area. DH take kids to party. You visit Uncle next day.

Hotel option.

If you want to be supportive to the nice uncle, surely you can do that outside of this hideous family party?

I absolutely would not go. If these people are too toxic for you, they are too toxic for your DC. Obviously DH can go if he wants.

I'd go the party. And I wouldnt give a shit if they mouthed off to me I'd completely ignore them and give them nothing back.

Either go and if they kick off bow out gracefully or don't go and maybe go round the next day but explain that's what's happening first

I would arrange to visit with DH and the DC a few weeks before the party, but swerve the party itself completely.

Obviously if DH really wants to go then that's up to him but I would not attend and I agree with PP that if these people are that awful, your DC shouldn't be exposed to them.

I like the idea of you travelling staying in a hotel and seeing the uncle another day.

I wouldn't let my kids be in a room with people who were slagging me off. I'd say your OH could go on his own.

Thanks everyone. I think I'm either going to go but stay in the hotel while they go to the party, or not go at all x

Hotel option.

Going to the party sounds like it wouldn't just be unpleasant for you but for the uncle as well, if your in-laws are prone to slagging you off. A quiet moment to see the uncle by yourself or with your family would seem better all round.