Silenced for my abused past and left out of family photo

Fuchsiarose · 2023-10-21T20:45:37+00:00

So, my younger sister (who I always used to have a close relationship with) has recently reconnected with our two older siblings (eldest sister who has always blamed me for her ex-partner sexually abusing me in their flat when I was 14) and brother (who violently harassed me and sent me death threats when I inherited from our dad and he didn't), which has deeply upset me and has reopened a lot of trauma and wounds for me. Younger sister put a card through my door a few weeks ago saying that she wanted to make up with me, but only if I was prepared to 'move on' and not talk about my problems. I responded to this in a message, saying that I couldn't heal without discussing my issues and being supported through them, which she has completely ignored. I have now just discovered a photo that has been posted on FB because two weeks ago, for the first time ever, all three of my siblings, their partners and all their children met up and came together, without even telling me, inviting me or making any attempts at reconciliation. I was left out, as well as my husband and our two children. To be the only sibling excluded has devastated me. My mum is livid about this and she got into a text argument with my younger sister, calling her out for refusing me the chance to talk about what I am going through. Within the messages, my sister sent my mum a photo of the inside of the card she wrote to me (revealing that she had photographed it before giving it to me, as if she was only doing it as some kind of 'box-ticking' exercise so that she could show other people that she had made the gesture, which is clearly an agenda and not coming from the heart). Am I being unreasonable for not bowing down to my sister's terms and conditions?

Spambod · 21/10/2023 22:01

How incredibly hurtful op. You owe them nothing and have nothing to feel sorry for. Well done for saying no to being in these toxic relationships. It’s good that your mum is standing up for you.
with regards to your sister is she also a victim of a traumatic childhood and is this why she may be acting in this way.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 21/10/2023 22:13

You've made it clear to your sister that you wouldn't be in contact unless she supported you through your issues. Your sister has declined. It honestly sounds like you are both trying to control how the other acts so perhaps it's best if you don't spend time together.

I am so sorry for what you went through at the hands of your eldest sister's ex and that she and others let you down so badly in the aftermath.

As for your brother, death threats and harassment are never acceptable. Is there someone, maybe your mum, who could explain to him why you inherited from your dad while he didn't? Or is he leaving you alone now, in which case probably best to avoid him completely.

Your mum sounds supportive so lean on her and any other positive people you have in your life.

Original poster

Fuchsiarose · 21/10/2023 22:13

Thank you for your kind words. No my sister didn’t experience any abuse in her childhood. She is silencing me because she knows that she has betrayed me by associating with my abusers and if I unearth everything I have gone through, she knows it will make her look even worse for turning her back on me and forming bonds with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fuchsiarose · 21/10/2023 22:36

Family members are there to help and support each other and I don’t think it is ‘controlling’ to expect that of my own sister. What is the point of having a relationship with someone if they deny you the basic right to talk about how you are feeling? Whereas, I do feel that she is trying to control me by invalidating me as a victim of some serious abuse.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fuchsiarose · 21/10/2023 23:39

Also, who takes a photo of a message that they have written in a card that is supposed to be private and heartfelt to the recipient, in preparation to show other people?

OP posts:

yogasaurus · 21/10/2023 23:45

Do you want a relationship with your elder siblings though? If you don’t, that’s totally understandable, but if your sister does, that’s fine too.

I think you made it clear you didn’t accept her terms, so she’s met them without you. Not sure really what you expected. They aren’t in your corner; that’s not going to change. Lean into your DM, as PP have said.

Testina · 21/10/2023 23:51

Why did your inherit and not your brother?

I think your younger sister is nuts for going near these two… but, it’s her choice not yours. Having made that choice, I don’t think meeting them without you is the wrong thing - it’s meeting them at all.

Does your mum have contact with them??

Testina · 21/10/2023 23:54

Fuchsiarose · 21/10/2023 23:39

Also, who takes a photo of a message that they have written in a card that is supposed to be private and heartfelt to the recipient, in preparation to show other people?

The kind of person who knows their older sister is likely to drag their mum into it, and whose mum is likely to go “livid”. This part, I don’t blame her for.

adjacenttoquiteafewspheres · 22/10/2023 00:06

I'm sorry for you, OP, and I mean this really, really kindly because I've been there, too.

Your sister doesn't want to hear about what it was like for you and she's drawn a line there. She does not want to discuss your issues.

That is very sad, but also very common. Only person I could discuss my abuse with was my therapist, no one else was up to the job.

It's now up to you as to whether you want a relationship with your sister on her terms - those terms being she doesn't want to face up to your having been abused and she wants to continue seeing your siblings (and most likely being on both teams).

Personally I'd wish her well then having nothing to do with her.

Testina · 22/10/2023 00:07

OK, I’ve read your thread from August now. Your younger sister has been back in touch with them for several years - and your mum has too.

I would explore with a therapist about stepping away from them all.

Taking a family photo now doesn’t seem to me to be the real heart of the issue. None of them supported you when you told them of the awful assault, and the most at fault for that is your mother.

I’d forget arguing over photos and cards, and build your life away from the lot of them.

adjacenttoquiteafewspheres · 22/10/2023 00:10

Testina · 22/10/2023 00:07

OK, I’ve read your thread from August now. Your younger sister has been back in touch with them for several years - and your mum has too.

I would explore with a therapist about stepping away from them all.

Taking a family photo now doesn’t seem to me to be the real heart of the issue. None of them supported you when you told them of the awful assault, and the most at fault for that is your mother.

I’d forget arguing over photos and cards, and build your life away from the lot of them.

I thought I'd remembered this person posting before, think I posted on it at the time (under a different name).

HattieIou · 22/10/2023 00:14

Shes done nothing wrong at all taking a photo of the card. I'd have done the same to remember what was written in the card. So about that, YABU.

You made it clear to her you don't want to meet unless you talked through things, she made it clear she doesn't want to talk through things. So, she is not being unreasonable at all meeting up without you when you are both not speaking, how on earth could she invite you?

Biasquia · 22/10/2023 00:22

adjacenttoquiteafewspheres · 22/10/2023 00:06

I'm sorry for you, OP, and I mean this really, really kindly because I've been there, too.

Your sister doesn't want to hear about what it was like for you and she's drawn a line there. She does not want to discuss your issues.

That is very sad, but also very common. Only person I could discuss my abuse with was my therapist, no one else was up to the job.

It's now up to you as to whether you want a relationship with your sister on her terms - those terms being she doesn't want to face up to your having been abused and she wants to continue seeing your siblings (and most likely being on both teams).

Personally I'd wish her well then having nothing to do with her.

Really good post.

I’ve been there too @Fuchsiarose it isn’t easy but the sooner you accept that your sister wants to play both teams and when you accept that and you decide where you are with that, the sooner you can move forward. I’m NC with my entire family for the same reason. No regrets.

Biasquia · 22/10/2023 00:25

Fuchsiarose · 21/10/2023 22:36

Family members are there to help and support each other and I don’t think it is ‘controlling’ to expect that of my own sister. What is the point of having a relationship with someone if they deny you the basic right to talk about how you are feeling? Whereas, I do feel that she is trying to control me by invalidating me as a victim of some serious abuse.

This does not happen in dysfunctional families and your families response to the abuse is dysfunctional. This is some of the hardest stuff ever to swallow but once you do and process the betrayal, you can move forward.

jacks11 · 22/10/2023 00:25

I think you are being both reasonable and unreasonable.

it is not unreasonable to decide that you don’t want a relationship with your siblings. However, you don’t get to decide who your sister can and cannot have a relationship with- you only get to decide that for yourself. Your sister may be setting herself up for a difficult time by associating with her older siblings, but it is still a valid choice for her to do so. You don’t have to like it and you can decide not to have a relationship with your younger sister if you feel very strongly about her seeing your siblings. Or, you can maintain a distant relationship with her and/or ask her not to discuss them with you etc. But you gave no right to try to dictate your sister’s relationships. I would say exactly the same about your mum and her reactions.

Your younger sister obviously understood that you would not want to be a part of any meeting up with your other siblings (understandably so, from what you’ve said) which is why she did not involve you. I doubt you would have wanted the invitation and from your reaction it’s clear you would have been unhappy to know she had this planned. Would you have tried to stop her going if you had known? If so, perhaps that is why she kept it from you?

As to asking you not to talk about it, I’d it that she wants you to pretend it never happened? Or does she want you not to talk to her about it? Or does she mean just talk about it less often? The former is not reasonable to expect as you can’t whitewash abuse away and pretend it never happened. But, equally, if your relationship with your sister is dominated by your experience of abuse then maybe she feels it’s too much and your relationship needs to move on/be more balanced? It could be that she feels that she can’t give you the help you need and feels a bit overwhelmed as a result, so would prefer you to talk it over with someone in a professional capacity? Or perhaps she feels your relationship or conversations are focussed on your past and the abuse, and frankly she wants some space from it. None of us know exactly what she means from what you’ve said, nor is it entirely clear how much you are trying to use her as a sounding board to discuss your abuse. It may just be too much for her- or perhaps she feels it has become to much due to things going on in her own live, for instance.

Biasquia · 22/10/2023 00:26

HattieIou · 22/10/2023 00:14

Shes done nothing wrong at all taking a photo of the card. I'd have done the same to remember what was written in the card. So about that, YABU.

You made it clear to her you don't want to meet unless you talked through things, she made it clear she doesn't want to talk through things. So, she is not being unreasonable at all meeting up without you when you are both not speaking, how on earth could she invite you?

No taking the photo is not wrong,

carpet sweeping sexual abuse and violent threats though …………………………

HattieIou · 22/10/2023 00:40

Biasquia · 22/10/2023 00:26

No taking the photo is not wrong,

carpet sweeping sexual abuse and violent threats though …………………………

Show quote history

Totally agree with you.

I was just pointing out that the 2 things that OP is complaining about here being the photo of the card and not being invited when they are not speaking is not the fight she needs to be having. The sister is not in the wrong for those 2 things.

However, fully agree with you that the carpet sweeping is very wrong from the sister.

Biasquia · 22/10/2023 00:43

@HattieIou apologies I got you now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/10/2023 00:44

jacks11 · 22/10/2023 00:25

I think you are being both reasonable and unreasonable.

it is not unreasonable to decide that you don’t want a relationship with your siblings. However, you don’t get to decide who your sister can and cannot have a relationship with- you only get to decide that for yourself. Your sister may be setting herself up for a difficult time by associating with her older siblings, but it is still a valid choice for her to do so. You don’t have to like it and you can decide not to have a relationship with your younger sister if you feel very strongly about her seeing your siblings. Or, you can maintain a distant relationship with her and/or ask her not to discuss them with you etc. But you gave no right to try to dictate your sister’s relationships. I would say exactly the same about your mum and her reactions.

Your younger sister obviously understood that you would not want to be a part of any meeting up with your other siblings (understandably so, from what you’ve said) which is why she did not involve you. I doubt you would have wanted the invitation and from your reaction it’s clear you would have been unhappy to know she had this planned. Would you have tried to stop her going if you had known? If so, perhaps that is why she kept it from you?

As to asking you not to talk about it, I’d it that she wants you to pretend it never happened? Or does she want you not to talk to her about it? Or does she mean just talk about it less often? The former is not reasonable to expect as you can’t whitewash abuse away and pretend it never happened. But, equally, if your relationship with your sister is dominated by your experience of abuse then maybe she feels it’s too much and your relationship needs to move on/be more balanced? It could be that she feels that she can’t give you the help you need and feels a bit overwhelmed as a result, so would prefer you to talk it over with someone in a professional capacity? Or perhaps she feels your relationship or conversations are focussed on your past and the abuse, and frankly she wants some space from it. None of us know exactly what she means from what you’ve said, nor is it entirely clear how much you are trying to use her as a sounding board to discuss your abuse. It may just be too much for her- or perhaps she feels it has become to much due to things going on in her own live, for instance.

I agree with this post. And I speak as someone, who was the scapegoat and abused by an older sibling. Neither of you controls the other and this is your youngest sister’s journey, not yours.

HattieIou · 22/10/2023 00:53

@Biasquia no problem thank you :)

Frozensun · 22/10/2023 01:13

I have a sister who says she was abused by parents. I’m 18 months older and don’t have these recollections (although I fully admit it is her reality). I tried for a number of years to support her. After another tirade a few months ago, I’ve walked away for my mental health sake. It was constant and never ending. She won’t seek counselling, and I’m don't have the skills to be a counsellor. Is she being ‘silenced’? IMO no, I can’t make it change and I just can’t do it anymore.

junbean · 22/10/2023 01:28

They are making you the black sheep. It's a toxic dynamic and you're right to set your boundaries where you have. Stay strong and lean into your support system- which is clearly not your siblings!

RedToothBrush · 22/10/2023 01:32

Honestly. You will never be able to have a fully functional relationship with your elder sister. Nor does it sound much like you want one.

This is about feeling betrayed by your younger sister who is 'moving on' when you can't.

Except if your elder sister is this kind of person and has to 'win' and prove this to other people about how good she's been, your sister will find things out the hard way.

That's your sister's mistake to make. Not yours.

Let them all get on with it and don't join in the drama. It's not worth it.

RosyappleA · 22/10/2023 01:58

RedToothBrush · 22/10/2023 01:32

Honestly. You will never be able to have a fully functional relationship with your elder sister. Nor does it sound much like you want one.

This is about feeling betrayed by your younger sister who is 'moving on' when you can't.

Except if your elder sister is this kind of person and has to 'win' and prove this to other people about how good she's been, your sister will find things out the hard way.

That's your sister's mistake to make. Not yours.

Let them all get on with it and don't join in the drama. It's not worth it.

I agree with this I predict the younger sister will learn the hard way but this is her issue. Give it time OP but I would step away from all of them. You matter here.

HelinaHandcart · 22/10/2023 02:07

jacks11 · 22/10/2023 00:25

I think you are being both reasonable and unreasonable.

it is not unreasonable to decide that you don’t want a relationship with your siblings. However, you don’t get to decide who your sister can and cannot have a relationship with- you only get to decide that for yourself. Your sister may be setting herself up for a difficult time by associating with her older siblings, but it is still a valid choice for her to do so. You don’t have to like it and you can decide not to have a relationship with your younger sister if you feel very strongly about her seeing your siblings. Or, you can maintain a distant relationship with her and/or ask her not to discuss them with you etc. But you gave no right to try to dictate your sister’s relationships. I would say exactly the same about your mum and her reactions.

Your younger sister obviously understood that you would not want to be a part of any meeting up with your other siblings (understandably so, from what you’ve said) which is why she did not involve you. I doubt you would have wanted the invitation and from your reaction it’s clear you would have been unhappy to know she had this planned. Would you have tried to stop her going if you had known? If so, perhaps that is why she kept it from you?

As to asking you not to talk about it, I’d it that she wants you to pretend it never happened? Or does she want you not to talk to her about it? Or does she mean just talk about it less often? The former is not reasonable to expect as you can’t whitewash abuse away and pretend it never happened. But, equally, if your relationship with your sister is dominated by your experience of abuse then maybe she feels it’s too much and your relationship needs to move on/be more balanced? It could be that she feels that she can’t give you the help you need and feels a bit overwhelmed as a result, so would prefer you to talk it over with someone in a professional capacity? Or perhaps she feels your relationship or conversations are focussed on your past and the abuse, and frankly she wants some space from it. None of us know exactly what she means from what you’ve said, nor is it entirely clear how much you are trying to use her as a sounding board to discuss your abuse. It may just be too much for her- or perhaps she feels it has become to much due to things going on in her own live, for instance.

OP, I have immense sympathy for you (and recall your other threads) but I agree with the above.

Based on your other threads, you have sat your mother and younger sister down, several times over the last 2 or 3 years, and made very clear how betrayed you feel that they have been rebuilding relationships with those other family members, but they have carried on seeing them.

It seems like your younger sister has been resolute that she does want to have a relationship with her other siblings, despite their past behaviour towards you. She remains happy to have a relationship with you, too, but it sounds as though she doesn’t want to have the same argument again and again.

I understand the sense of betrayal and think I would feel similarly in your shoes but your younger sister has made her choice and you cannot control it. At this point, you either accept it or you don’t and that is an entirely personal decision to you, though I’m very sorry that it’s one you have to make.