Psychological abuse

[gemini45]

My husband has accused me of psychological abuse because I'm messy/untidy

I'm now also raging

My father psychologically abused my mother for 40+ years

My mother in law's father was a drunk abuser

My husband is low because he's been made redundant

I have been so supportive of him

I am also going through a cancer scare atm waiting for a biopsy result

And putting my father in a care home

I don't need to be criticised for my lack of housekeeping skills

Not looking for sympathy- I know I'm messy but I'm just so angry

Living with someone who’s messy would drive me bonkers but how ridiculous to call it psychological abuse 🙄 is he usually this dramatic? Is he supportive of what you’re going through currently?

No it's a total curve ball

I'm also supposed to be helping him apply for jobs - he's stressed and down but we had a break away and came back feeling more positive and relaxed

I've only just got the majority of the washing done and put away!

Think he's just being an arse!

How did you respond? How did it develop into him saying that? I can't imagine someone calmly walking into a messy room and saying 'This is abuse.' Were you having a big row?

He made comments earlier so I've been cleaning for hours then he says tonight it shows how bad it is it's taking me so long to clean!

Then he just calmly comes out with 'what you are doing to me is psychological abuse' 'you know it makes me feel low I've asked you multiple times to stop being so messy you keep doing it'

I've just walked away, not interested in getting into a fight about it

And I now have a clean house

How much cleaning does he do? Share the tasks out

Tell him he's more than welcome to tidy up himself!! No one is forcing him not to!

His point is it's all my mess!

He cleaned the kitchen today for the first time in ages. I'm recovering from lletz on Thursday and not feeling too hot!
Usually he does lots of diy but never hoovers or cleans bathrooms etc - so I do all that usually before I tidy my mess up in the bedroom

Sod that for a game of soldiers, to use an old-fashioned phrase. He's seriously criticising you after you've had a shitty week? Torn it right round on him and ask him what he's done to help you.

Is this the only thing you do that he has problems with, or has he been critical in other ways?

Sorry you've been poorly

This is his main bug I guess

I have my faults but I honestly find it difficult to keep my stuff tidy

I have never discussed it with anyone just take the criticism be better for a few days until the next time - I know the place is a mess and I'm building up to doing it, like today I had a nap in the afternoon as I was exhausted, then I get this!

He's been fighting redundancy for months and the fight is over so he has no one else to be angry towards maybe

His main bug? What are his others?

Apparently I don't see the impact my failings have on others

He's determined to make me atone for this sin!

I have no self awareness

I'm actually just not willing to argue about this so he is continuing to stew

Maybe that is psychological abuse?!

Do your failings have an impact on anybody except him? If not, he's the one with the problem.

I mean, he could choose to be pissed off about the way you ate yoghurt, couldn't he? It wouldn't mean you were eating yoghurt wrong.

I am struck by the way this is phrased ‘impact of your failings on others’. It’s interesting that he didn’t say actions instead he said failings. This strikes me more as a criticism of you.

Also maybe you would be tidier if he did his share of cleaning the bathroom and hoovering.

Also, if he's doing DIY to match your housework, would you tell him it was psychologically abusive if he stopped doing the DIY?

If fact, would you ever tell anybody you were in a relationship with that they were being psychologically abusive? Would you not have a talk to them about the fact that they were inadvertently upsetting you, and try to understand their perspective? I mean, if a person has a psychologically abusive partner and has exhausted all sensible options, the healthy thing for them to do is leave the relationship, not start throwing accusations around.

Is it always all about him?

Definitely always about him

Today I've been accused of being lazy, again due to the mess

He's mega stressed because he missed a deadline for a job which he's blamed me for as I was helping him but he was so busy tidying up my mess

I'm 10 weeks post hysterectomy due to cervical cancer

My body is in pain still
And my emotions are all over the place

He's not being fair

How would you feel if a friend or relative told you that their partner was behaving this way? Or a stranger told you that you were lazy? You deserve to be treated better than this.

He should be shouldering 50% of the housework if not more while you are recovering. The odd bit of DIY does not equate to the amount of time needed to maintain an immaculate house- that can take hours every day.

He is responsible for himself and his job applications. He sounds like he's blaming you for everything because he is unhappy and stressed which is not acceptable.

You should be prioritising your recovery over housework. The housework will always be there but you only get one chance to recover well. Do you have children? I'm struggling to see why housework is such an issue? Before kids and a dog it would take me and my partner a couple of hours maximum once a week to bang out the cleaning.

Look after yourself 🥰