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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does it matter if friends earn a lot more than you?

26 replies

Partyinfrance · 21/10/2023 17:02

I've been very fortunate to recently make a new group of friends after a lot of bad luck. Only met them a couple of times but it's refreshing to be part of a group where people actually want to see you, rather than too 'busy' for even a coffee once in 10 months (yet out with others)
Anyway the only issue is that they seem to be earning a lot more than me (or at least spending a lot more)
I'm trying to save for a house deposit and to have my first child too. I've found that on the occasions I've been out with them they always went for expensive places and could order several fancy cocktails like they were water. They seem to be able to eat at restaurants every week.
I felt daft going and ordering a small starter and a glass of juice.
I'd like to think these things don't matter, but maybe it does. Even if I had more, I'm just not really a big spender, I'm happy with simple stuff.
So just not sure how to go about it really.. I'd like to keep meeting up with them, I am planning to suggest just a coffee and see how they react, or a walk. Don't want it to cause any issues.
I've had this in the previous group of friends too.

OP posts:
CharlotteRumpling · 21/10/2023 17:06

I have friends who earn a lot more and those who earn a lot less. No one seems to be shy of suggesting a coffee or a walk or a visit to a free museum.
I think you should suggest a coffee. I am not a low earner but also currently on budget, so I happily suggest chain restaurants or cheap cafes. No one seems to mind.

Finestreason · 21/10/2023 17:07

It seems to matter if it interferes with the activities that you all want to do together.

Simplicity doesn’t always have to do with not spending money, does it? Going out for drinks is a simple undertaking if that is what you do routinely. Going for a walk might be a huge complicated effort if you don’t routinely go for walks.

Original poster
Partyinfrance · 21/10/2023 17:08

Yes that's true, I think I'm just going to have to sit out the expensive meals/activities sadly. Hopefully if they're the right people they'll understand!

OP posts:
Overthebow · 21/10/2023 17:09

It matters if they all want to do things you can’t afford. In my group we switch up activities between more expensive things and cheap/free activities and people choose what they want to do. Could you suggest some cheaper things to do?

SaracensMavericks · 21/10/2023 17:10

I have friends who earn a lot more than me and also friends who earn a lot less. Maybe ask them over for dinner if that's cheaper than eating out? Or a coffee / walk sound lovely too.

CharlotteRumpling · 21/10/2023 17:11

You could also try meeting one or two members separately. Ones that like to walk or go to cheaper activities.

bathrobeandpie · 21/10/2023 17:12

It doesn't matter as long as you understand that it's reasonable to make the most of their money, and going to places and events you can't afford is not about you.

Good friends will do more budget-friendly things with you, and do their own things.

It only become uncomfortable when people think they have to hide everything they do so someone doesn't get resentful. Mixing expensive and more low-key activities is fine!

CharlotteRumpling · 21/10/2023 17:12

If someone asked me over for dinner I would be so pleased. Nobody ever does these days post pandemic!

Original poster
Partyinfrance · 21/10/2023 17:12

Yes absolutely, a mix is good. I'll see what they say about cheaper suggestions, if they don't want to that will be disappointing but oh well.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 21/10/2023 17:17

If they're unaware knobheads it matters! Etiquette-wise you should try to pitch the invitation at a manageable price point. It's not nice to ask skint people to things that are £££. As with every relationship it is about balance, if every invitation is expensive, they're not the friends for you IMO. If there's a range of activities, it's fine.

Nonplusultra · 21/10/2023 17:17

I think income disparities add a level of difficulty to friendships. It’s not always insurmountable but it definitely makes things trickier.

MeMySonAnd1 · 21/10/2023 17:17

No, don’t ask them for dinner unless it is a special occasion: If they want to be out they want to be out. We had a friend in the group who often changed plans to see us at her house. For many of us it was the one and only time in the week we could be out, the last thing we wanted was a night in.

Pick and chose the activities or what you order. If I want to save money I just don’t order any alcohol and chose a vegetarian option and nobody noticed or care, obviously if they were splitting the bill equally, it wouldn’t work for me and in such case… I would continue to see them but not as often.

RantyAnty · 21/10/2023 17:18

Go and order the cheap item. Don't be embarrassed or try to keep up.

I make heaps more than most people and I still order this way.

I just don't like eating in front of people and I don't drink.

Sure it takes confidence and self esteem to not go along with the crowd but after a couple of times it's easy. I'm seen as eccentric and I don't even care. You shouldn't care either. Enjoy your new friends.

Original poster
Partyinfrance · 21/10/2023 17:20

Thank you all, I don't drink alcohol anyway but true,I should go and just order the cheaper option. The right people won't judge I suppose and will accept a mixture of activities.

OP posts:
Bs0u416d · 21/10/2023 17:21

I don't think it will be an issue. I earn similar to the friends I made during my second (vocational degree) and I earn a lot more than most of my friends from school and my first degree. I don't think the relationships are different. I do things with my better of friends that I wouldn't do with my friends that have less cash but I never even paused to think about it until now.

Finestreason · 21/10/2023 17:24

Nonplusultra · 21/10/2023 17:17

I think income disparities add a level of difficulty to friendships. It’s not always insurmountable but it definitely makes things trickier.

It’s true. It can be incredibly awkward. I’ve had to drop potential friendships both ways (having massively more money and massively less) because of the awkwardness of navigating time spent together.

Eventually friendships that endure surface and they are easy, fun, and supportive (but not always straightforward, they can bring their own complexity!)

Good luck, op.

Cowlover89 · 21/10/2023 17:24

If they are true friends they'll understand and not mind at all. X

EasternStandard · 21/10/2023 17:27

What anyone eats and drinks really is low priority to their company

So many people don’t drink alcohol for a variety of reasons, I’ve never known anyone to care. And a small dish, again it’s really irrelevant, people can choose

stayathomer · 21/10/2023 17:29

I actually find this quite tough sometimes, you get fed up of being the one who says ‘how about we just meet for tea, go for a walk, meet in someone’s house etc’. In no way a dealbreaker but not easy at all!

Original poster
Partyinfrance · 21/10/2023 17:30

Thank you. Yes it can be tough! I can go out to eat every so often just not every single week!

OP posts:
PAfsapfujasfp · 21/10/2023 17:31

Partyinfrance · 21/10/2023 17:20

Thank you all, I don't drink alcohol anyway but true,I should go and just order the cheaper option. The right people won't judge I suppose and will accept a mixture of activities.

Of course they shouldn't judge you for ordering cheaper things. But not wanting a 'mixture of activities' doesn't make them bad people.

I don't like walks and coffees. Happy to do something cheap with close, longstanding friends that I really click with but if someone in, say an eating out group suggested 'coffee and walks' I'd probably decline. Unless we'd grown close enough to be 'real friends' which happens organically.

The sad truth is a lot of friendships are situational, you meet a lot of people but not everyone is a 'friend' in the sense of deeply caring enough to want to spend time with you, rather than just wanting someone to do fun stuff with.

You've only met them a couple of times. Of course, suggest cheaper activities, see who takes you up on it but if nobody does, don't take it to heart. You may need to find people more suited to your way of thinking.

AhBiscuits · 21/10/2023 17:35

I've got a close group of friends. A couple are very high earners, a couple are fairly high and a couple are fairly low. It's never been an issue. Everyone is considerate of eachother and makes sure any plans are affordable for all.

BackToWhereItAllBegan · 21/10/2023 17:52

I eat out with different friends regularly and I don't think it would even register with me that one of them was always ordering the cheapest option on the menus, I'm just happy to be out and enjoying their company. Hopefully your new friends feel the same way!

Bs0u416d · 21/10/2023 17:53

AhBiscuits · 21/10/2023 17:35

I've got a close group of friends. A couple are very high earners, a couple are fairly high and a couple are fairly low. It's never been an issue. Everyone is considerate of eachother and makes sure any plans are affordable for all.

This is what I have always found with my friends. I we all work to what ever the person who can afford least is happy with and I we don't even think about it if someone says 'I can only afford this' or 'count me out for this (what ever it is). I wonder if that is easier in more established groups of friends and OP feels tricker as this is new.

MissingMoominMamma · 21/10/2023 17:56

As long as they aren’t suggesting that the bill is split equally, you ordering less isn’t a problem.

Just do the things you can for now.