To ask for your non-food rewards/treats?

[herewegoroundthebastardbush]

I am currently fighting binge eating disorder. I am desperately trying to beat this thing, and I know a lot of what's required is to be kind to myself. To love myself. To not berate myself, feel awful and then comfort myself with food. I want to be good to me for trying so hard to overcome my addiction, I want to give myself comforts that don't involve food. People talk about meditation, yoga, long steamy baths etc etc.

But.

I don't have time. I have kids, I work, life is busy as fuck and I am always always being pulled one way or another. I don't have time to take long steamy baths, to go to a gym class, to start a new hobby, etc etc. I need a treat, or a comfort, I can have one to go, at my desk working or while I'm stood up in the kitchen cooking dinner, with one ear on the escalating argument in the playroom.

There's nothing like food for just filling an emotional hole without having to take any time at all for me. And yes I know that's an issue, blahblahblah, but in my real life that I'm living now, which I don't have frankly TIME to change, is there anything ELSE I can use to comfort, soothe, congratulate, that needs no time? I mean there's cups of tea but that's not doing much for me. Any ideas at all? I know it's an ask. But it's a serious ask!

I know you don't want to hear this but the lack of time and space is probably a big part of why you have the disorder in the first place.

So we can come up with ideas but unless you find some time and space in your life, will much really change?

That aside...

I like quick drying nail polish. It takes 5-10 minutes and my hands look loads better.

You could do a manicure e.g. filing, pushing cuticles back, moisturizer, polish in moments throughout the day

I also do a lot of drawing and crafting in 5 minute intervals - you can easily pick up a piece of paper and pen in that time.

Following this thread for ideas as all I can think of is wanking.

I totally relate to your situation.

The first part is the hardest, acknowledging that we're eating compulsively in order to avoid the 'gap' which is sitting with ourselves at ease or doing productive other things. And managing the pain of whatever sits underneath it IMO. Eating too much is expensive and it harms our precious bodies and can have serious consequences. Breaking food addiction is really difficult because you can't just 'stop eating' like you can stop drinking or stop smoking. Therefore, it's hard to de-focus from the problem substance and re-focus onto new interests or ways of soothing self or distracting self.

I guess what you're describing is wanting a way to feel soothed that involves an activity or a product.

However, the way to gain peace of mind IMO is a two pronged approach - 1) to learn to sit with oneself without soothing by 'using' something and tolerating that (which can be done); 2) make changes where need be to de-stress the environment you're in to gain more agency and serenity over your life on a daily basis so that you don't feel the urged to be soothed from whatever currently feels intolerable.

Are you aware of Overeaters Anonymous? A very helpful fellowship with helpful literature and lots of zoom meetings as well as face to face.

Following- You are not alone in this. I could have written your post tbh. 💐for you OP

I treat myself with things like those gold coloured gel undereye masks you get on Amazon (25 sets for a tenner)AIQIUSHA 24K Under Eye Treatment Masks, Natural Gel Eye Masks, Under Eye Gel Patches for Dark Circles, Anti Wrinkle, Puffy Eyes, Skincare, Hydrating, Soothing - 25 Pairs | Independent Package : Amazon.co.uk: Beauty

Take seconds to put on, I can wear them while I walk around making dinner or typing on my computer, they make my eyes feel refreshed which tends to lift my mood & they just look special to me, so I see them as a reward.

Thanks. I have had BED in some form or another since I was a small child, it's escalated since my mother died 5 years ago and more so since having my second baby. But it's not to do with having no time, really, it's deep rooted in trauma that long predates my current hectic schedule! 😆

These are good suggestions. I've been thinking about adult colouring books, because I genuinely think I would find it pleasurable, but I am leery because I think my partner would think it was pathetic and pointless. Nails and stuff wouldn't work for me because I don't give a shit about how I look really so it's no benefit to me 😆which makes the binging even harder to knock on the head as I don't have the motivation of not wanting to look like a binbag full of yoghurt. My main issue now is I am incredibly uncomfortable (sore feet, sore knees, bad back) and I know this is indicative that my health is at risk and my kids deserve better than a sick weak mum. But lipsticking this particular pig isnt going to give me joy, and wouldn't even if I was 5 stone lighter!

My libido is dead as a doornail too so that's out. My poor partner, I'm obese, depressed, addicted and sex-drive-free. I really don't know why he's still with me.

Thank you, I know this is the real way forward, but if misses my whole point - I don't have time!! I don't have time to read the OA book that is sitting on my Kindle, I certainly don't have time to find and attend meetings, I can't get rid of my partner or my kids or my job, all of which pull me in every direction all the time until I feel like I am running on fumes,especially emotionally.

So I guess I'm not really looking for peace of mind as that I an unrealistic goal in my present circumstances. I am trying to get physically healthy so my body doesn't hurt, and I am trying to bear it somehow as I have spent a lifetime comforting myself with food and don't really know how to bear the life I'm living without that comfort. I don't have the bandwidth to change my whole life. I just need, for now, something that can replace this thing which has saved me for years and been killing me for years.

Pillow mist, it's not just for pillows! I use lavender because it's my favourite. I buy little bottles for as low as £1.80. Whenever I'm anxious, worried or on the edge I give the air in front of me a little zhuzz and go on with my day.

I also distract myself with pictures of my favourite things, so cats/dogs/rabbits/sloth/literally all animals. It's a very useful technique. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

I think anything self smoothing and a reward does take a little bit of time unfortunately. Unless you want another instant gratification habit. To zone out and relax I personally like to watch short YouTube videos, scroll through Instagram, call my sister, listen to music, play pc game, research some random fleeting thought/interest.
I have the same problem with binge eating when feeling anxious, I just binge food that I love but won't feel as guilty about (not a great solution I know), like grapes, berries, watermelon, sushi, fancy olives, carrots and hummus. Also I get my favourite low calorie drinks in for when I feel like bingeing, like fever tree flavoured tonics different soft drinks. Tea works for me though! If I am really really anxious I treat myself to a new bedtime type herbal tea

I was going to suggest a little spritz of perfume. Pillow mist would be lovely too.

Another idea to wean you off calories might be finding a favourite flavour of unsweetened fizzy water. It has a satisfying fizz, is basically water, and it's good for you.

Funny kitten or parrot videos online might lift your mood and don't require much investment of time.

A five minute daily gratitude journal might help you get your head above the anxiety and stress you're dealing with. It takes literally five minutes a day.

The reason for your reluctance to do the adult colouring is sad. Does your H know you're struggling?

How about a colouring app on your phone, we like TapColourPro (I actually installed it via Mistplay so I am earning points towards gift cards every time I use it, so no guilt lol). Set a timer 5-15 minutes and give yourself permission to colour, if the kids need you, it's not going anywhere you can just put it down and come back to it. When you finish one set it as a screen on your phone as a reminder that anything is possible in small steps. My daughter likes the animals, my son likes the dragons, but my preference is the mandalas and inspirational quotes.

He knows I struggle with my weight but I always have. He doesn't know about the mental anguish or the bingeing, although being an intelligent chap he knows surely I didn't get to be 14stone eating the healthy family meals be sees me eat. I hav alluded to the fact I binge eaf but he is the least addictive personality you can think of, very big on willpower and follow through so he doesn't understand, no. His view was that if it makes me so unhappy, i should just stop, which is in on way 100% correct and in another way just on another planet from my reality. He is not someone who is good at empathy or emotions or talking. He is not really in my corner for this (although I wouldn't talk him down, in so many ways he is wonderful and practical and a much better partner than me). But, for example, he'd never give someone a present that he personally didn't think ess "worth having", no matter if it was exactly what they wanted and would make them happy. That's kind of an indication of how his mind works. He wouldn't understand why this is so hard for me, and he wouldn't be able to understand.

not totally non-food, I'm doing quite a restricted diet at the moment - my occasional treat is cocoa.
Two teaspoons, one sweetener, about the same amount of milk as a cup of tea. It's v chocolatey but not sweet, about 35 calories.

Your post is so relatable. I'm not doing brilliantly at the moment but when I am I treat myself to a glass of water. It sounds the shitest treat ever but I remind myself of how much good it does for my body and my skin and that both deserve some lovely hydration. It's just shifting my mindset a bit on what a treat is.

OK I hear you.

I would say what I'm hearing here is that you urgently need to think how to create that bit of time that you don't got.

I don't mean in order to read books or take up a new hobby or unrealistic things, I mean just to get that breathing space that every human being needs for however long per day. So that fuses don't blow.

Are you able to pay for some home help that would free up a bit of space? Or those sort of ideas? To ease up your time?

Otherwise, if not, then I suggest breathing exercises instead of eating. Or a scented aromatherapy thing in the kitchen, instead of reaching for a snack bar, have a puff of aromatherapy. I find that I often feel like screaming. I live in high density housing so it's not very realistic. But if you can, maybe scream!

There is one life coach who says easy way to retrain the brain, give yourself a little electric shock (like those 'joke' rings kids can get) or snap an elastic band on your wrist every time you're thinking of grabbing food. It will aversion train your brain as the mind doesn't like pain.

Also, for me, the easiest thing is what I call 'trade outs' = trade out your snack food for more healthy options. Don't buy any sugary junk food, if it's not in your house you can't eat it. Instead of ice cream have yoghurt, instead of a choc biscuit have a tangerine, instead of a sandwich have an apple. All very puritan but you do need to have some skills and tools to use or it's going to feel very frustrating and disempowering.

I could have posted this myself OP.

I just can’t think of anything that can replace the sensation of tasting something deliciously sweet or salty in my mouth. Painting my nails can’t replace that.

Focus on healthy, not physical ideals.

Eat what brings you joy - that isn't junk.

Tell the man to fuck off.