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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP's niece doesn't like me

19 replies

Banana4321 · 20/10/2023 22:25

She's 14. I met her once very briefly when we first starting dating. She lives in Spain but her and DP speak on the phone weekly. He was on the phone with her today while in another room, she started saying she didn't like me, that I didn't 'match the vibe' and started making fun of me, DP just said you've met her once and then came into the room I was in and said 'you're on loudspeaker she can hear you by the way' she said she didn't care.
I don't even know how to handle something like this as she's just a kid, I do wish DP had been firmer with her. I'm quite upset to be honest, I was nice and polite to her. She's just a child but I don't think that gives you a hallpass to be rude and mean?
I'm not sure what to do when she next visits

OP posts:

TeaKitten · 20/10/2023 22:27

Not sure why your DP felt the need to stir the pot by walking into the room you were in at that point. But it’s likely she said she didn’t care because she was embarrassed at the idea that you’d heard what she said. Teenagers are funny things, I’d try to forget it and carry on as normal next time.

Original poster

Banana4321 · 20/10/2023 22:31

Yeah I don't think I like the way DP handled that, I'm just still trying to process it.
She's made little comments making fun of me before when they've been on the phone but this time she really went in, I could hear the anger in her voice. Never been in a situation like this before

OP posts:

TiredMamOfTwo · 20/10/2023 22:35

Well why did he walk into the room when she was doing that?

Clearly there both as bad as each other, I'd be running the other way!

Phonedown · 20/10/2023 22:37

She is an immature teenager who was rude. But old enough to know that actions have consequences. I would explain very clearly to your partner that she will not be welcome in my home unless she apologises. And then I'd stick to it. I'd also be disappointed that my partner did not tell her off.

Phonedown · 20/10/2023 22:38

Does your partner happen to enjoy a bit of negging?

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 20/10/2023 22:40

She doesn't have to like you but she should at least be polite.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2023 22:43

You have a massive, massive partner problem. He wanted you to hear that. He made sure you did. You need to take the blinders off because this man is not who you think he is. No decent man would have done this or allowed his 14 year old niece to get away with it.

You have been warned.

Original poster

Banana4321 · 20/10/2023 22:46

I could hear it all anyway and he knew I could as it was a video call so on loudspeaker and he knew I was only in the next room.
She kept going even when he told her I could hear

OP posts:

theduchessofspork · 20/10/2023 22:48

Phonedown · 20/10/2023 22:38

Does your partner happen to enjoy a bit of negging?

Yep. I’d be much more concerned about how he handled it, than his dopey niece who appears to have a bit of a crush on him (that he is playing up to)

Catkat · 20/10/2023 22:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TinyKittenPaw · 20/10/2023 22:49

I think with the best will in the world chill out about this a bit.

She’s 14 and being rude and outspoken with a grown up that she feels cool to be a bit rude and haughty in front of, she will no doubt be extremely embarrassed about being such a dick when she’s older.

Yiur DP who presumably has a close relationship with her probably doesn’t know how to be a bit firm with her if he’s been used to being fun uncle, he was probably waking through o try and make it not about him and her in a room while she was saying things about you, and let her know you were part of things. I would 100% be cool / cold ish with her and ignore her a bit, leave her some time to grow up a bit.

With the best will in the world her view on you at 14, is not very important and she might want / need the relationship with the cool uncle at some point. Try and remember a time you have been young and stupid to carry you through.

There is nothing in your post about the rest of her life but at 14 you are often pretty inconsequential and an adult who treats you nicely - like an uncle - can be a real win. She might be worried about being less important to him or trying to assert herself?

either way, if she’s only met you once this is. It about you, it’s about her and being 14.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2023 22:51

Banana4321 · 20/10/2023 22:46

I could hear it all anyway and he knew I could as it was a video call so on loudspeaker and he knew I was only in the next room.
She kept going even when he told her I could hear

Like I said, take the blinders off. You're just coming across as silly now, feigning ignorance as to what's going on. Your partner is shit and you know it. This has nothing to do with his niece.

Testina · 20/10/2023 22:52

She speaks to her uncle every week? That’s… unusual. I love all my teenage nieces and nephews and they like me - but I don’t get more than an in person grunt.

She’s rude. Maybe not a very nice kid, maybe showing off in some immature power struggle for him attention. Meh. She’s 14 - who gives a shit?

Him though… why are you choosing to be with someone who has repeatedly chosen not to shut her down about you? Where are your standards?

Original poster

Banana4321 · 20/10/2023 22:57

Maybe not every week, maybe bi weekly I really don't keep count. They usually speak on a family call too because she's abroad.
I've already said I don't like the way he handled it and want to speak to him to find out why that's what he chose to handle things.
I'm not blaming her, she's just a kid. But she was rude. I can't help it upset me too.

OP posts:

70sDuvet · 20/10/2023 23:04

I dont think it's weird that he speaks to his niece every week.
That's just PP trying to protect some sort of creepy vibe onto your partner.
I speak to my teen DN at least weekly so I don't see any difference.

However i would not permit them to be rude about anyone nevermind my partner.

Though teen girls (going from being me at 14) can be assholes for no other reason than being difficult. But this was up to your partner to stop and not let her continue.

Testina · 20/10/2023 23:22

Banana4321 · 20/10/2023 22:57

But what about the previous times she made rude comments about you? Why did you accept him accepting that?

bonzaitree · 20/10/2023 23:25

Why do you care what a random 14 year old who lives thousands of miles away thinks of you?

Also- all 14 year olds are pricks. True fact.

StarDolphins · 20/10/2023 23:28

At 14 she knows right from wrong & she was rude. Until she apologised, I wouldn’t be very welcoming or polite to her I would also be having words eith you do, he should’ve told her not to be so rude.

Nagado · 20/10/2023 23:42

She’s a child. She could dislike you for any one of a million reasons, such as you smiling at her, not smiling at her, talking to her, not talking to her etc. There is no rhyme or reason to what goes on in a teenager’s head. If you see her again, smile, say hello and then just keep your distance.

Your DP is another matter. It’s irrelevant whether or not you could hear her from the other room. By walking into the room and telling her you’re hearing her say horrible things about you, he’s forcing conflict between you and removing the option from both of you to just vent about the other, then move on. Of course she’s going to say she doesn’t care. She’s 14. He, however, is old enough to know better. The only appropriate response would be for him to have told her that he doesn’t expect her to force herself to like you, but you’re his partner so he does expect her to be polite, as you are to her.

He’s either very immature, he’s spiteful or he’s a shit stirrer.

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