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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister should move out?

19 replies

santapawsiscomingtotown · 20/10/2023 19:28

I have three younger siblings. From my early 20s my dad was very vocal about me needing to move out soon - in the end I moved out when I was 25 into a rented flat with my partner. I thought that was quite late, but I didn't leave uni until 22, and had a very low salary for the first years of my working life. But my parents did make my life very uncomfortable as they wanted me to leave.

My sister on the other hand is 30 and still lives with my parents. She is on £40k (which is more than I am now!) and pays only £100 towards bills and food. She does spend about 40-50% of her time at her boyfriend's flat, but she said she doesn't want to move in there as she doesn't want to pay towards bills. She goes on about 5 holidays a year, which includes luxurious destinations such as the Caribbean, Bali etc. she doesn't seem to be saving to move out, In fact she's getting her bedroom redecorated.

AIBU to feel a bit bitter at the unequal attitudes from parents, and think she's a spoilt brat?

OP posts:
ForfarBridie · 20/10/2023 19:32

I would call my parents out on the inequalities. I just wouldn’t be able to keep quiet. I would however rehearse what I was going to be saying in order to not come across as jealous.

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 20/10/2023 19:36

That’s outrageous.

Poppydieu · 20/10/2023 19:37

She’s the golden child.
It won’t change.

EmmaDilemma5 · 20/10/2023 19:40

YANBU.

Unfortunately it sounds like your parents are selfish. They wanted you out as the house was crowded with 4 kids. Now, with only 1 left, they're incentived to keep her for company.

Personally though, I would feel sorry for your sister. It's a bit sad to still be living at home at 30 with no plans to move out. Fine if you're doing it because you have to, but a bit sad to be choosing to do so, even if it is because she's tight. She doesn't realise what she's missing by staying at home.

Tempnamechng · 20/10/2023 19:41

I agree it won't change. My dm was desperate for me to move out once I was about 19. I had two younger siblings. I always thought that if you couldn't cope with 3, you shouldn't have had 3 dc - or 4 in your case.

MeltheLifeCoachandHypnotherapist · 20/10/2023 19:51

This reply has been deleted

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Pebblesflintstoneandbambamrubble · 20/10/2023 20:11

I had this years ago

I'm the eldest and only girl-3 brothers (last two are twins)

It was made clear to me (aged 16) that I wasn't welcome at 'home' anymore (id only lived there for 2 years as I lived with my grandad)

By 18 I was out-at one point pregnant and homeless-which they knew about but didn't care

The next brother moved out aged 21-in with friends

The twins ping-ponged between home and living with friends over the years

Even now,with one married and the other with a long time girlfriend and both with homes of their own,still live with my parents at least 4 times a week

It's the golden child/scapegoat-gc can do whatever they like and the scapegoat cant

I went nc with the lot of them-would that be an option?

TomatoSandwiches · 20/10/2023 20:15

What about the other sibling/s is she the youngest? Not saying it's fair but I've found that a lot of the time parents have chilled out and changed their outlook by the time the youngest one is older so they get an easier time.

Original poster
santapawsiscomingtotown · 20/10/2023 20:17

TomatoSandwiches · 20/10/2023 20:15

What about the other sibling/s is she the youngest? Not saying it's fair but I've found that a lot of the time parents have chilled out and changed their outlook by the time the youngest one is older so they get an easier time.

She's in the middle - the youngest has moved out and the two middle siblings are still there. But the other middle sibling is younger.

OP posts:
Monetm · 20/10/2023 20:26

EmmaDilemma5 · 20/10/2023 19:40

YANBU.

Unfortunately it sounds like your parents are selfish. They wanted you out as the house was crowded with 4 kids. Now, with only 1 left, they're incentived to keep her for company.

Personally though, I would feel sorry for your sister. It's a bit sad to still be living at home at 30 with no plans to move out. Fine if you're doing it because you have to, but a bit sad to be choosing to do so, even if it is because she's tight. She doesn't realise what she's missing by staying at home.

In my experience, she’s missing being lonely, living somewhere cramped, and enriching a private landlord.

Yazo · 20/10/2023 20:30

YANBU my brother is similar. Therapy helps!

TomatoSandwiches · 20/10/2023 20:33

santapawsiscomingtotown · 20/10/2023 20:17

She's in the middle - the youngest has moved out and the two middle siblings are still there. But the other middle sibling is younger.

Show quote history

Could it be that your parents need the money she pays them now?
Trust me I'm not looking for excuses, I'm the eldest sibling and had to moved out before I was 16, just trying to find aome possibilites before you point it out to them in anger.

Original poster
santapawsiscomingtotown · 20/10/2023 20:39

Could it be that your parents need the money she pays them now?

No, and she eats a fair bit of food so I doubt the £100 even covers her food costs.

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 20/10/2023 20:48

I think as someone said I can imagine being in the mire of loads of adults living together in the same house and wishing that they would all just move on but then I can absolutely see as one by one they leave and the 'pressure ' eases that they relax a bit. One left might be a nice distraction as opposed to a full house.
It's probably more about your position as one of the oldest than a personal thing.

Honestly most people who have spread their wings look back and say how did we do it for so long, I'm a bit surprised that you with your own own and partner are 'jealous' of a 30 year old because she lives at home ?

menopausalmare · 20/10/2023 20:56

She'll end up stuck there and become their carer- in my experience, parents cling onto one for this reason. Good job you got out.

WhateverMate · 20/10/2023 21:02

YANBU to feel bitter towards your parents and yes it sounds as though they're spoiling your sister.

But why is she a brat?

TammyJones · 21/10/2023 07:34

Poppydieu · 20/10/2023 19:37

She’s the golden child.
It won’t change.

THIS
Please go live your best life.
Let it go.
Yes it was unfair but dwelling in it will just make you bitter and miserable.

youcandanceifyouwanna · 21/10/2023 07:48

Is it possible there is something you don't know about, e.g mental health issues or hidden disabilites? Just asking as she sounds similar to a relative of mine ( the holidays, no inclination to move out) who I've now realised would struggle to manage living independently.

Beesevenoaks · 20/01/2024 18:06

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 20/10/2023 19:36

That’s outrageous.

mind blowing and outrageous

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