Out of depth

[Iwuzayung]

Feeling completely out of depth with sibling dynamic and impact on us all.

Ds14 and Dd12 fight so much. ds is instigator, he spends most of his time winding her up, teasing. It's relentless. We punish him, hes remorseful, then same thing happens again. He pushes her (not physically) until she screams, but it can be over anything.

The screaming is killing us. We are living separate lives to keep them away from each other as much as possible. DS is usually away a lot with hobby which makes it bearable, but now not got forseable future due to injury.

My DH is around but has almost shut down as a parent on this, to point he wants to leave. Honestly now considering separating and each taking one DC as the household is toxic.

I don't know what DS problem is. He has friends, hobbies, a nice life, but is making DD life a misery. I suspect DD has ADHD for many reasons, one being the lack of control over emotions, the stuff she explodes over is ridiculous. But can also see how hard it is to deal with daily poking from DS.

I'm sorry, i have no advice at all but that sounds really tough. I hope you're ok x

Can you maybe get him a book on bullying or get him to watch a video about it and talk to him about the content very clearly and firmly? Because he is bullying your daughter and he needs to learn it's not okay to be a bully. The fact he doesn't feel bad when he has obviously upset her time and again is worrying. He is targeting someone younger than him. At 14 he shouldn't need physically separating from his little sister to stop him distressing her.

I'm the youngest of 3 and have two older brothers. Me and middle brother (3 years older) fought like cat and dog every day- we couldn't stand each other. I remember our parents sitting us down every weekend to talk about it. It improved when we got older (GCSE type age) and we have been very close since. I can't even tell you what we screamed at each other about, and know it was really hard on our parents, and older brother who had to referee until.parents got home from work. I hope it gets better for your children.

How are you disciplining this I would find something that really bothers him like loss of screen time and every time he loses 15min . Are they allowed in each others rooms? If yes I'd stop that so she can go there for respite

Make DS have counselling .

If you think it would work you could look into having a restorative meeting between them at which you get them both to sign a contract agreeing to terms of behaviour and respectful communication. Then go hard on any breeches - loss of screen time / phone for the evening etc.

Sounds hideous for you all.

Also spend a bit more time with DS and find out what’s troubling him. He’s making DD suffer because of something going on with him.

My stbxh did this to his sister when growing up. She said it was so grim..I asked him and he said he was " just trying to toughen her up".

He then abused me throughout our relationship until I left but he's still making my life hellish.

So he's a bully.

But interestingly his sister has got autism. So maybe what you say about your daughter reacting to things your DS does might be exacerbated by this.

He is a bully, end of. You need to protect your daughter.

Give warnings, keep tallys, after third incident, punish by confiscating high value item. Bit like a school bullying policy. Discuss it with them. Use it consistently, use the sanctions- help him understand this is wrong- would he do it to a girl, or boy at school? Why not? Discuss his attitude to bullying with him.

Screaming would drive me mental- just because she is ND doesn’t mean she needs to scream.Talk about how to help her manage her feelings.

I have worked with youngsters who are ND for years, the ways they behave at home is astounding- screaming, shouting, breaking things, throwing themselves on floor, punching. They don’t do this at school or in the cinema or shopping centre, because it is not acceptable. Help them understand it’s not acceptable at home either.

I appreciate home is their safe space, but it should be your safe space, and DHs too.

I have worked with youngsters who are ND for years, the ways they behave at home is astounding- screaming, shouting, breaking things, throwing themselves on floor, punching. They don’t do this at school or in the cinema or shopping centre, because it is not acceptable. Help them understand it’s not acceptable at home either.

🙄

If he was mine I'd give him one warning and then if he does anything I'd take the nuclear option and remove privileges for a week.

Same with DD, if I thought she was overreacting, I'd remove stuff from her too.

Also, your DH really needs to step up to the plate. You MUST show a united front and agree on punishments etc. Be clear on consequences and both follow through every single time.

Your DD is 12 and likely peaking hormonally and if she does have ADHD it often makes them hyper sensitive to their hormones.

I am NC with my brother he bullied me, made home life unbearable and spent much of my life suicidal down to how he was allowed to treat me.

Your DS needs therapy to explore why he needs power over his younger sister.

What punishment is DS getting for this bullying? Have you asked his teachers if he does the same at school to other children?

I think you need to get serious with him about how bad his behaviour is and demonstrate that it’s not acceptable.

@Iwuzayung I could have written your post. Both my DC have SEN and whilst one is not the instigator, they both trigger each other. I too have considered leaving because it is intolerable at times.

One DC has physically hurt the other tonight and I removed a privilege for the hitter. I’ve endured a very long meltdown because this was a disruption to their routine. Whilst I understand it is difficult for my DC , I can not and will not accept physical altercations.

In your case I would sit down with DS and explain he is making life a misery and there are going to be tough sanctions going forward . Then follow through and come down hard on the behaviour.

@slaggybumbum Let me tell you , the screaming is not something you can control in a ND child. I have my own thread going about the impact of this on the whole family. A ND child can not be reasoned with about outbursts.

Probably won't be a popular response, but barring some issue whereby your son cannot regulate his behaviour (which doesn't seem to be the case), he's not being punished severely enough for it to 'stick'. He apparently has been allowed to continue a much-valued hobby (until recent injury). I know you say that the hobby helped keep them separated, but that's the type of thing that could be used as leverage in convincing him to grow up and stop being a bullying brat to his sister.

I have my own ND child at home- his behaviour at home was completely unreasonable and it led to a poor quality of life for us all. The only thing we could do, once he had calmed down- so not in the moment, was try to reinforce the unacceptability of the behaviour.

Until we stopped accepting this was ‘just how he is’ ‘he can’t help it’, it continued getting worse all the time. Once we understood he needed the boundaries of (reasonable and from love) consequences to help him manage his feelings, he calmed down much more quickly. We were lucky as he was an only child. His antics nearly broke me, I can’t imagine what it would have been like with a younger sister.

The OP’s children need clear boundaries that moderate the behaviour which has resulted in such a difficult home life for them all.

They are siblings they just fight around this age. You need a break you and DH even if just a day or two to recharge then you need to come at it with a different approach. What works for one family may not work for another. You need to look at them both too you can't just keep punishing DS.
You need to teach DD ways to cope like walking away ignoring DS. Coming straight to you when it starts.
DS you need to explain how much he is hurting his sister and ask why he does it.
Also keep a diary of when it's bad we do more stuff as a family at certain times of the month when DD is less hormonal and more one to one stuff when she is.
Also have a very strict rule if 1 of them asks the other 1 more than once to leave the others bedroom it's big trouble does not matter why.