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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said I ignored our son as a baby

38 replies

PurpleGrapesandtea · 20/10/2023 15:55

I’ll try to keep it brief…

DH and I have two children together. We have had difficulties but things have been better lately. Today we had a fight about my carrying all the burden for homework/kid’s activities/school and life admin etc. DH got defensive, made out that I was calling him a shit father and then commented that I “ignored our son for the first two years of his life”

He has said this before.

He’s also in an argument said I am “indifferent to our kids.”

Our oldest is 12 and when he was born I admit that I was clueless and didn’t know much about babies. Mil and DH are both control freaks who tried to take over everything, MIL was so bad that family members asked her “you do know he’s not your son don’t you?” I tried to stand up to her but she took over everything. I was so relieved when DH went back to work after paternity leave and could sing to and bond with my son.

I also admit that I was extremely self conscious when others were around when it came to singing to my son or talking to him.

I am utterly furious at my husband for saying what he did. I took my son to baby groups, songs and rhyme times, baby activities and when he was a bit older I read to him and played with him.

I also had an extremely traumatic birth and undiagnosed Postnatal Depression looking back which DH knows. 😢

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 20/10/2023 15:59

That's a horrible and spiteful thing to say and it would be something I'd find hard to forget or get over.

Original poster
PurpleGrapesandtea · 20/10/2023 16:00

I don’t think I can ever forgive him.

OP posts:
MotherEarthisaTerf · 20/10/2023 16:02

You’ve tried to express your unhappiness at the current burden you carry. Your husband’s defence was not to explain how he’s trying your best but to throw a mental dagger at you.

not only is he not trying to help you now, he also wants to wound you. You deserve better I’m so sorry.

ForfarBridie · 20/10/2023 16:03

He’s a bully who’s using your own children to bully you with. You deserve better. Do you ever think of, or dream of, a life without this man in it?

Frankinbeans · 20/10/2023 16:05

You know you bonded with your son and did activities with him - you just didn't need an audience around you to do it so he hasn't seen everything.

I'm angry on your behalf because I have had PND too so know I can come across as uninterested or indifferent at times even towards DC. But DH knows that despite that, I give the kids all I can and that the kids still adore me for all that I do do.

I would find it hard to forgive such a statement.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2023 16:10

I'm guessing your husband is far more abusive than you may realise.

happylittlesloth · 20/10/2023 16:11

Is he trying to destroy you?

BrioLover · 20/10/2023 16:13

So you tried to communicate how you are feeling currently about the mental load, and he responded by bringing up something from a decade ago?!

I would also struggle to forgive that. It's a horrible thing to throw at you.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/10/2023 16:13

He is a genuine arsehole for throwing that at you.

Birch101 · 20/10/2023 16:16

I have depression and I dread the day my partner says something like this to me.
He sounds controlling uncaring and purposely spiteful.
Family and home life is a shared responsibility. I honestly sometimes want to scream at my partner for his daily what are having for dinner question.......

Have you both been to therapy?

Lwrenagain · 20/10/2023 16:30

Your husband is a arsehole and you need to make plans to get gone.
Absolute fucking prick thing to say that was.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 20/10/2023 16:40

So if you ignored your child for the first two years, I’m guessing that his father took two years paternity / family leave to care for him?

Original poster
PurpleGrapesandtea · 20/10/2023 16:41

Thank you to everyone who’s replied. I want to leave him but I don’t see any way until the kids are older. He is also a “love bomber”, always making grand statements like he cannot live without me, he constantly tries to touch, stroke me and behaves like a lovesick teenager, staring at me with a dopey expression when I’m cooking or busy etc. He says he wishes i “felt the same” He says I’m such an amazing mother and that without me he would be nothing but in a fight takes it all back and says such cruel things.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleGrapesandtea · 20/10/2023 16:42

He worked permanent night shifts for 2 years 😞

OP posts:
Cheeesus · 20/10/2023 16:46

Oh this is chilling (the love bombing part). Can we help you think through some practicalities of leaving?

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2023 16:50

@PurpleGrapesandtea

He's gaslighting you in the hopes you'll stop your 'complaining' that he doesn't share the child duties 'because you are equally guilty since you ignored DS'. Then 'love bombs' to make you forget his ugly words and throw you off kilter. Absolute bollocks of course, but just shows the type of person he is. Manipulative and selfish.

I'm sure this isn't the only issue he gaslights you about. It's just the one that sticks out to you because it involves insulting your parenting abilities. But if I were you I'd take a good long look at the totality of your marriage. I'm sure you'll find he's done this on other things, too. And whilst you're at it, consider whether or not you 'tiptoe' around him or you don't mention valid complaints because you know he'll say similar things and try to shove you back in your 'compliance' box.

Once you've sat and thought about it all, decide what you want to do about it. I've found though that gaslighters/manipulators don't often change. They're usually selfish enough to pursue their ends at any price, even the mental health of people they're supposed to love.

There is a way out. You just have to find it. It may mean sacrifices on your part as far as standard of living or finances go, but it will be worth it.

Rocksonabeach · 20/10/2023 16:57

Saying you love someone and pawing them is not a good partner.

if you loved someone you would not say this

I had PND twice and then PTSD from a traumatic divorce with an abusive ex.

He has ground you down - you did the best you could.

He didn’t physically have a pregnancy or baby but he let his mother abuse you both - where is his responsibility?

billy1966 · 20/10/2023 17:10

.

billy1966 · 20/10/2023 17:10

What a nasty vicious man you are married to.

He sounds controlling and abusive and highly manipulative.

I am not the least surprised you had PND with such and awful husband and mother in law undermining you.

NOW you know just how vicious he really is.

Don't believe a word from his mouth.

You need to call Womens aid for advice and support.

You need to log how he is with your GP.

You need to start reaching out to family, friends and support services to plan on how to get away from him.

He sound utterly unhinged and even dangerous to be so disingenuous with his dopey eyes🤢🤮whilst capable of such vicious words.

Start detaching emotionally from him and start reaching out for support while you plan your escape.

Keep posting, we are here.

LightDrizzle · 20/10/2023 17:16

What a vicious thing to say ☹️
Please recognise it for the toxic nonsense it is.

IdaPolly · 20/10/2023 17:21

I also admit that I was extremely self conscious when others were around when it came to singing to my son or talking to him
I know what you mean. It'll be that. The MIL was probably saying you didn't talk to your ds when you did, you just didn't as much when she was around. I think I felt self conscious in front of my MIL too.

Sallyh87 · 20/10/2023 17:24

He’s a dick. It might seem impossible but leaving is an option.

Good luck @PurpleGrapesandtea, you definitely deserve better.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2023 17:36

He says it because he knows it hurts you, and he is trying to control what you will raise with him - by inflicting that pain. He is the offspring of two control freaks, and the apple didn't fall far from the treeSad

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/10/2023 18:04

PurpleGrapesandtea · 20/10/2023 16:41

Thank you to everyone who’s replied. I want to leave him but I don’t see any way until the kids are older. He is also a “love bomber”, always making grand statements like he cannot live without me, he constantly tries to touch, stroke me and behaves like a lovesick teenager, staring at me with a dopey expression when I’m cooking or busy etc. He says he wishes i “felt the same” He says I’m such an amazing mother and that without me he would be nothing but in a fight takes it all back and says such cruel things.

I've said this before and I'll say it again:

If you had a Lamborghini and the brakes kept failing when you needed to carry out an emergency stop, you wouldn't drive it because it wouldn't be safe to drive.

Look past the electric sunroof and engine purr that is his lovebombing and see that when you need him to have your back against MIL, he let you down like faulty brakes.

Original poster
PurpleGrapesandtea · 20/10/2023 18:06

Yes, I wouldn’t be surprised if she said stuff like that. With my second DS I am much more confident, I would sing to him etc with her there and she would comment how surprised she was that I did that.

OP posts: