To be annoyed with dh

[treebeard22]

Dh and I have a fairly irregular sex life. Young dc plus my tween from a previous relationship means we don't get much alone time. Dh also relies on viagra so things need to be pre planned. We've ended up falling into a routine of sex every other Saturday when my eldest is at his dads and younger dc is asleep. Maybe the odd time during the week but not often. Not very spontaneous but better than nothing.

Due to illness and other factors we've gone over a month with nothing so was looking forward to this weekend. We've not been getting on brilliantly lately and I thought it would be nice to have some time together and a bit of intimacy, but he's announced he's been asked to go to the pub with a mate so he'll be out Saturday night now.

I really don't begrudge him going out at all. He very rarely does and he hasn't seen this particular mate in ages so he isn't taking the piss. But I feel frustrated and let down too. He's the one who enforces this every other Saturday rule (he doesn't like dtd when older dc is home which is understandable) but Jesus if we get the opportunity once a fortnight (longer in this case) and he opts to go out instead aibu to feel a bit pissed off?

YABU. So he has to refuse anything he's invited to on every other Saturday forever? That's insane.

@HattieIou absolutely not, I'm happy for him to go out, but maybe he could be a bit more open to considering other dates and times for our sex life to take place.

Yeah that's more understandable, but not being pissed off with him for going out.

Your essentially being forced into a sexless marriage

This is going to sound obvious but can you sit down with him and really talk. Keep a clear head, speak calmly but really talk things through. Both of your feelings are valid. It’s ok for you to want intimacy , it’s ok for him to want to go out. Sounds like you’re not angry about him going out, you feel hurt because you don’t know when you will next be intimate again.
it hurts because you may feel he’d rather go out with his friend than he intimate with you. Talking these things through can help.

when both of you talk and be honest with each other , you both know where you stand. Issues can be resolved or they won’t be - but at least you’ll know where each other is coming from rather than building up anger and resentment.

Unless you're having swing for the chandelier, screaming sex, then why can't you put a lock on your bedroom door & crack on.

how does he think children get siblings??

He 'enforces' this every other Saturday routine. I wouldn't be going along with that!!

I'm not pissed off with him for going out at all, I encourage it and he is the same with me. I'm more pissed off that there are such rigid restrictions around when we have sex due to his feelings, his need to prepare by taking viagra etc. And that when the date set by him comes around he has made other plans.

Yanbu to feel as you do because sex is a huge part of most marriages. It is what cements the bond between you both and encourages that feeling of closeness that you're missing.

In your case, I would be having a heart to heart with him. Not accusing or shouting or getting angry but just telling him what you've said here and then listening to his response.

It's difficult to let go when your dc are in the next room but sometimes, needs must. If he's really unwilling, then he needs to make time alone with you somehow - like when they're at school or at the crack of dawn when you know they're asleep.

This is the thing, we could have other opportunities- we both wfh, I could happily go for a lunch time quickie when the dc are at school and nursery but he isn't up for that either. And his lack of initiation and enthusiasm has made me a bit lazy with it too.

I get what he means about older dc as it's easier to relax without the fear of him blustering in.

Things haven't been great between us lately. We have no help with dc and therefore get very few opportunities to go out and do romantic things just the two of us. Life is a bit of a slog and as sad as it sounds I was looking forward to a night in, a bottle of wine and some intimacy. Equally I know that's not a reason to expect him to stay in when he very rarely goes out to see his friends. Ugh.

I would be annoyed with him too and wouldn't be happy with this at all. He's putting loads of unnecessary restrictions in the way of sex which you are meant to put up with and then on the day that its planned he makes other plans?

I would talk to him as I don't think this is sustainable and he needs to address it. If he wants to go out with his friends that's fine but he should have rearranged your evening. i also don't think every other weekend is enough tbh and I think he should work on it being more frequent then that. Every week maybe. Surely you can put a lock on your door and have sex? Or lunch time quickies like you said. If you are in a monogamous relationship it's unreasonable for him to not deprioritise sex to this level.

If my dh was annoyed at me for going out on a rare Saturday with a friend because he wanted sex I'd tell him where to go. I think you just need to dtd at night when kids are asleep.

You are missing the point here but thank you anyway. It's not a case of expecting him to stay in and never go out so that he can have sex with me. It's expecting him to stop putting so many restrictions in the way so that sex becomes some illusion, monthly appointment that has to be scheduled in and postponed until next month.

I don't have a massive sex drive myself. Between work and kids im usually knackered. But I miss spontaneity. I understand he needs to take viagra for his ED (he's 10 years older than me) and that obviously needs to be pre planned. I've been understanding and compromised on this ridiculous scheduling because I know it's necessary. I'm getting pissed off now though.

I think someone got their wires crossed here.....

You're right, it's a different thread from the one I thought I was on... sorry for the confusion.