Relationship with my mother

[Sms1811]

So a bit of background. I live about 30 mins away from my mum. She doesn’t work but I work full time with quite a demanding job and so does my husband. We have one child together and I also have a dsc. Hubby picks dsc up Thursday every week for 3 days and it’s 45 mins there and 45 back. We both have quite demanding jobs. My mum used to have my child ever other weekend for a couple of hours to bridge the gap between me finishing work and my hubby starting. She also goes to childcare 3 days a week but we struggle occasionally on weekends. My mum always moaned and groaned about it and I hated asking so eventually with had a few words about it 2 months ago and I stopped asking as it couldn’t cope with the remarks. Since then my mum has seen her twice and both times I’ve organised it. When we fell out I explained that I constantly feel like it’s me forging the relationship and ify mum didn’t have my child on those weekends she wouldn’t see her. I’ve been proved right given that she’s seen her twice since then. I invited her out today and said she was busy shopping so I said well nothing really chnaged since we had a falling out so not really sure what she wants. I just want her to want my daughter and make an effort, she knows I have a demanding job and so does my hubby, I’m always calling her or reaching out to her and I envy the relationship I have with my grandparents and the relationships I see my friends parents have with their grandchildren. She never asks to just take her for the aft or overnight or anything. My dads called me taking my mums side saying I should just take her to theirs as that’s the done thing. Is it? He said his parents never came to theirs and never organised to see grandchildren. Am I being unreasonable here? It’s not about who takes her where or where they see her each other it’s about her wanting to see her and organising or reaching out

I don't think you're being unreasonable but you can't force a relationship if she's just not that bothered. Stop wasting your time and energy on trying to force this.

It's a very sad situation but you need to cut this off now or you're in for years of heartbreak.

You'll be much better off accepting that she's not interested. If she started doing anything then it's a result of you forcing her and her feeling obliged rather than love.

Yanbu to want a grandmother who enjoys being with her granddaughter but she isn't unreasonable to not want to do childcare too.

You can’t make someone want something.

Neither set of grandparents one live in the same village and others in different county have asked to take my little one, I mean a lot of people complain there parents butt in so I think it's far better to be the one to reach out.

I asked if PIL would like to have DC one day at week whilst I was working they said no, fine, sad but fine they wanted to have their own lives.

Maybe they are expecting more of a you both pop by for a cup of tea vibe not leave child, so you actually have family time as a group.

Their relationship may change as child grows older as well as easier for GP to manage/to do things with

You said demanding job 3 times. I don't understand why it's relevent? That you don't have the time to visit?

You can't force someone to do childcare, whether it's overnights at the grandparents or not.

It's always been visit the parents once a week with the kids in my world, no childcare emergencies aside. If you don't have the time due to demanding jobs then it's their loss really and a shame.

It’s not relevant really other than the fact that I’m super busy with work and my children and I still reach out to her never the other way around, and like I say it’s not really about childcare but her wanting to spend time with her grandchild and I could also do with some emotional support, she is my mum after all. Like I said to my dad earlier in the day it would be nice for her to even text in the week, ask what days I have off and ask me to pop round for a brew with my daughter for example but it just never happens x

How was your relationship growing up? You can't force her to have a relationship and it sounds like maybe you don't have the best relationship with your mum anyway?

It's tough but you can't force the relationship.

Did you mum work when you were a child? I ask as it’s possible she has no idea about the stresses of modern day families.
As someone has already said, you need to stop mentioning having stressful jobs, as they probably can’t relate.
The lack of contact or interest from your parents, needs to be your argument going forward.

My grandma practically bought us up while our parents worked.
She'd take us to school and collect us.
Look after us at the weekend at our house.
And baby sit when our parents went out - which was a lot.
In turn my dm or df would take and fetch her to nights out.
Sometimes she stopped over
Other times we'd be at gm's house and would be collected from work.
Been gone 35 yrs and I still miss her

BUT your dm is not like this.
Let it go, and allow space to open up in your life for someone else.
When I had my ds my own dm had long since passed.
He ended up developing a very close loving relationship with a friend of mine - who would have been about the same age as my dm
They are still close today.

My son is only 18 but he already knows I will be the sort of grandparent who will go on days out and holidays. When he was young we had him out every weekend to zoos, seaside, aquariums and various activities. I found looking after my own child day to day hard enough and honestly I never want to be responsible for looking after another child ever again unless it’s an emergency. I know this makes me a crap person by MN standards but my son has chosen a very challenging profession which will require him to do shifts and on call so I felt for him to make an informed decision he needed to know early if he has kids that I will not be available for weekly childcare. Also, I only had one child for a reason I honestly couldn’t cope with more.

I always picked my parents up to come on days out and paid for them too. We also had holidays with extended family, siblings and cousins.

Be open about how you feel but be prepared to be receptive to how your mother feels and see if you can come to an arrangement that suits you both and also facilitates a relationship with your daughter.

I don't think there is a "done thing" any more. Maybe there used to be when most families could live on one wage and one parent could spend more time at home. But for many families nowadays, that boat has sailed.

Can you meet them half way on this i.e. you do the organising but for a time that suits you? So call your mum early in the week and suggest they pop over to yours on the following Sunday afternoon. Give her plenty of notice. If she says they aren't free, just say breezily, "oh well, nevermind, if you plans change let me know, maybe the next Sunday?"

If you called her on the day last time and she had other plans that probably threw her. My parents were ridiculously regimented. Shopping was this day, library was that day etc. My dad said if you don't have a plan of the week then before you know where you are, the week has gone by and you haven't done the things you meant to. And I can totally see that, it happens to me. So changing things at the last minute doesn't suit everyone.