I’ve read a couple of threads today about absent fathers and it’s given me the confidence to share my story… I have struggled for years.
I have a little boy, he’s four. I was very in love with this father, thought he was right one etc etc. We got pregnant unexpectedly, I was delighted as we had talked endlessly about having a family. At first he suggested termination, then after a couple of weeks said he definitely wanted our baby and he was excited for the future. When I was six months, he asked me to relocate with him 6 hours away, for a new job. His current job was highly paid and secure and I said no, I wanted to be near family when I gave birth and for the first year, but after that I would definitely consider moving. From that moment onwards he treated me badly. I found out he had been drinking in secret and smoking weed at work. He got reprimanded for this and narrowly escaped losing his job. I moved out and had my baby alone. He never got in touch. I claimed maintenance when ds was 5 months, then he started texting and saying he wanted to me. This happened five or six times and he always cancelled or made an excuse. Eventually, a year in, I asked him to email me if he wanted to see ds as I didn’t want to make small talk every few months for no reason. Never heard from him again but I know he lives alone in London, he is single, recently turned 50. He apparently told family I was unstable … presumably when I was upset at being asked to relocate before birth and we had argued.
In the end it was too painful for me to talk to him and I gave up trying. The first year I printed a mug with a photo of ds on saying happy Father’s Day. I did lots of nice things. I tried so hard.
Years have now gone by and he clearly has no interest but mentally I can’t fathom how someone can do it. We were in a relationship. I loved him. He wasn’t a teenager, he was a fully grown adult. How could he have shown interest in his son and then cut him off. How is he not curious?
People tell me he will regret it. That it will haunt him. That he will be lonely. But honestly, I don’t think he cares. Even now years later it takes my breath away sometimes when I think the person I loved so much and thought was so wonderful could do something so horrendously cold. I don’t know anyone in real life with an absent parent and I think about the impact on my son most days. Will this ever get better? To be clear I no longer have feelings for this man, obviously (!). But I feel so messed up by what has happened.