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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel sad about this ?

5 replies

redgreenandbue · 20/10/2023 13:44

Background: In primary school, everyone in the class was paired off friendship wise into a pair. Not forced by the teacher, we just naturally paired off. Most of the girls in my class lived within 5 minutes of each other We have photos of us all at birthday parties, sleep overs etc. We then all went to the same secondary school. My 'best friend' from primary broke up with me in secondary school, we were about 12/13. I distinctly remember her saying I had changed, and that was it. For the rest of secondary school I drifted between 'best friends'. I was never in the popular group but the girls from my primary school predominately were. I never fell out with these girls, we were just not close friends anymore. I am face book friends with all these people, but no interaction, just maybe a few random comments once a year/likes on a photo type of thing, if that.

Fast forward to now. 35 years later. We are all scattered around the country. I know some of these girls are life-long friends. There is a local gig going on next weekend and the band are some people in our (former) school year. It's a one off thing. A lot of the girls are going, and have commented on FB on the gig page to that effect and have planned to meet up. From reading the comments it's a by-chance case that these girls all happen to be nearby/around at the same time as the gig.

It brings it to home that I am not in touch with these girls and the situation all those years ago. It would be very odd for me to reach out to them now. I wouldn't do that. I would really like to go to the gig to say hello to them all and have a general catch up, but I would be going alone, and I am not prepared to do that and stand there on my own. They might give me a fleeting 'hello' as they walked past, they are all friends/have history (I know this from pics I have seen on FB). I would be standing very much, and yet again, on the outside of the circle looking in.

I just feel really sad about it.

OP posts:
BetterPlease · 20/10/2023 14:14

It was a different life back then, a different you, a different them.

Is it that you want to say hi to them specifically, or more a lamenting that your school years could have been different?

They are now little more than strangers, would you have much in common?

You should say hi, everyone likes to hear about what became of old faces. It’s interesting, not everyone becomes what you might have expected. The quiet shy ones seem to have become the most successful, in terms of careers, marriage and kids, home and business ownerships…

As to who has had the success of happiness, that’s a different matter.

Are you happy with your life now?

I remember my peers (year group) from that time, sometimes I see what they’re up to in social media… to me, it seems like they are stuck in a safety bubble time warp of their teen years. They dress similarly, listen to similar music, still drink at the same old pubs, still playing musical chairs in relationships with one another. It’s all a sort of incestuous echo chamber.

Frankly, I feel I’ve moved on and prefer other things and prefer being elsewhere. I’m not into pubs, drugs, sports fanship, and casual sex.

I used to feel left out, as you did.

As an adult, I see it was my own insecurities that caused me to leave my own self out. My home life fed into that, I was neglected in many ways. I didn’t have all the latest outfits, tech, and pocket money to go out with them either.

Now I feel, even if everything had been sleigh at home, the so called popular ones would not have been the ones I’d picked as friends in hindsight now… they were doing a lot of underage drinking, smoking weed, and underage unprotected sex… there were some pregnancies.

It was character forming.

Do you think you could consider the good things that came out of that time and let them go?

Divest yourself of all the things that make you sad and get you down.

redgreenandbue · 20/10/2023 14:26

Sorry to hear about your home life when you were growing up, That cant have been easy.

Seeing the plans for them to meet up brings it to home that I was very much on the outside of the circle back then. I feel sad that we didnt remain friends, but school pecking orders at the time wouldn't have allowed that. I was very much in the unpopular group. I can't change that now. I feel sad that I feel I cannot just pop in even for 30 mins to say hello and catch up. I would love to. I don't know what reaction I would get. Nothing nasty from them, but I feel what interest would they have in seeing me. Would it be a polite hello how are you and then they move on. A band are playing, it will be v noisy and most likely too busy to even hear each other.

Its actually made me very down about myself today.

OP posts:
BetterPlease · 20/10/2023 14:39

Have been to a gig on your own before? It’s perfectly acceptable to be tapping away to the music enjoying your beer.

A hello and quick chat with everyone… won’t hurt.

When I to a do like that years ago, they were all very very curious about the ones that hadn’t been seen in ages, and were eager to be seen ad mature, polite, adults and parents now. They were nice, and you said yourself you know that your ones will be nice.

Social anxiety means that you’re imagining the worst happening, it’s never as you imagine! You might end up having a wonderful time!

An old friend of mine (separated school) went to her 25 year reunion, she was at times bullied because they were poor and from the wrong side of town, she said they were all gathered around her eager to know what her life abroad had been like… suffice to say she had led a rather illustrious life since then and surpassed all of them by far.

They were nice to her, but she said she thought there was some surprise and envy. Not for everyone, but I think she enjoyed becoming the bigger fish in the pond that one time, it helped close that time for her somehow.

Do you think you could get something similar out of it…

I noticed you preferred not to answer some questions, and that’s fine… I think you already have all the answers inside you.

And you can make a choice not to be sad today.

Put on your glad rags and go and have FUN!

BetterPlease · 20/10/2023 14:40

Maybe you could ask the mods to make your thread title more specific so you can have some more helpful traffic?

Duchess338 · 20/10/2023 14:43

It's okay to feel sad about it, but don't let it take away from whatever joy that you have in your life now. You'll miss whats in front of you if you're always looking back.
A lot of people aren't in touch with school friends. I'm not even facebook friends with any of the people I went to school with and I probably wouldn't recognise them from passing in the street.
Focus on your current friends, and if you find that lacking then get out and meet some people :)

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