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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What do I do!?

14 replies

Heboughtmeadishwasherandacoffeeperculator · 20/10/2023 12:45

NC for this.

I have two DD’s one 12 and one 17 both at the came college, youngest in Y8 and eldest in 6th Form.

Youngest, never really socially recovered from covid and loved being off school and online learning. Shehas lots of friends in secondary and not any bullying as far I’m aware but she would really rather be at home and some mornings can be a struggle to get her up and in…

unfortunately she has also suffered quite badly over the years with tonsillitis so there has been times when I have been a bit soft and let her stay at home when she could really have gone in. We have also had the dreaded attendance drop letter (94% so not the end of the world) which I felt awfully about

i have got a bit stricter over the last 6 months and we have got into a much better routine, this paired with my changing roles at work and having to be up and out in the morning has meant she has to get on with a bit more, and I tend to be less gentle with the whole “I’m not feeling well” at 6.30am when I’m trying to juggle it all.

We are also rural with the girls school being 40 minutes away (school bus arrangement) and I don’t drive and DH is currently deployed and we live in a different country to family

Today I get a “I don’t feel can I come home well” text and my instant reaction is you will be fine, it’s Friday, the last day for half term you only a have a few hours left, then I get a phone call from the school, DC is saying she doesn’t feel well what would you like to do, I ask the teacher how she looking as trying to figure out if she is really not well, or just wants to be out of school, teachers response is “hard to say” 🙄 I explain my situation and say if she is really not feeling well I’m happy for her to get bus home however due to work I can’t pick up, school say this is not school rules and DC has to leave school with a suitable adult.

Few more messages between myself and DD, I tell her to try and find big sister (who I have also tried to get home off) and we will take from there.

School phone again, I’m just about to go into a meeting, DC is now crying apparently…

Speak to DD again she said she is crying because the year head is being mean to her, told her that she’s not allowed fo see big sister, and won’t make any difference as big sister not allowed to take her home,

This in not why I wanted big sis to get involved, I wanted her to give her a hug, some paracetamol and have eyes on her to see what was up.

I think I just wanted somewhere to vent really as finding this all such a juggle with DH away but wondered if it’s the norm for a child with parent’s permission not to be able to come home, (she can use her bus pass on public bus which is near enough door to door) and it’s a bit mean them denying her seeing her sister for a cuddle and check in (big sis has free periods this afternoon).

Im now at the point that even if I was to bus it home to then bus to get her it would take me longer than her waiting until the end of the school day and getting school bus home.

So she is grudgingly being allowed to sit in an empty classroom on her own and a hug with big sis has been denied and I’m feeling awful.

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 20/10/2023 13:02

I don't think there is anything you can do. DD2 needs to be more resilient and DD1 should not be in the position of having to be her caretaker. Most Y8 kids don't have any older sibling to rush to their side if they're having a tough day.

MidnightOnceMore · 20/10/2023 13:06

I think it is inappropriate to drag DD1 into this, you're just disrupting her education this way.

You deal with DD2 by either telling her to get on with it or picking her up. I feel you're abdicating a bit tbh. If in doubt drive there to look and tell her to stay if she's well enough, or take her home if ill.

PenguinRainbows · 20/10/2023 13:10

TheOccupier · 20/10/2023 13:02

I don't think there is anything you can do. DD2 needs to be more resilient and DD1 should not be in the position of having to be her caretaker. Most Y8 kids don't have any older sibling to rush to their side if they're having a tough day.

This. You need to work on her resilience.

CaroleSinger · 20/10/2023 13:13

It does sound like you've made a bit of a rod for your own back here that she's now playing on the get out of school. Definitely work on her resilience and your discipline. Sorry if it's harsh but she can't keep crying off on a whim all the time just because she doesn't feel like going to school when in reality she is just trying it on, and you know she is.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/10/2023 13:17

agree she needs to be more resilient, but don't understand why her sister wasn't allowed to see her in the lunch break.

Floralnomad · 20/10/2023 13:21

If she feels too unwell to stay at school I can understand why the school don’t want her getting a bus alone , if your kids are sick then you collect them . You also need to leave the older one out of it , it’s not her problem .

Searchingforaunicorn · 20/10/2023 13:25

If she’s too sick to sit at school for a few hours she’s too sick to get herself home on public transport. I understand the schools position.

I also think the school are right not to get the sister involved. If it’s lunchtime she’ll be difficult to find and during lesson time it will disrupt her learning.

sorry op, it is awful when you get those phone calls and you are stuck at work, I feel your pain but feel in this instance no one is at fault.

Heboughtmeadishwasherandacoffeeperculator · 20/10/2023 13:25

I dont disagree with all and definitely don’t one of those OP’s that asks for advice and opinions and then argues with them all.

it’s definitely not the norm to get DD1 involved I just didn’t have a lot of options, knew DD1 would have Paracetamol and that she had free periods as well as break.

I agree I have made a bit of a rod for my own back with DD2 and really thought we had started to make progress with that until today.

DD1 has now seen DD2 (she was a big sneaky) and said she looks really flushed, two red spots on cheek and just wants to sleep in empty classroom so sounds like she is genuinely not well.

OP posts:
fishingfor · 20/10/2023 14:21

it's 'percolater' by the way :)

EmpressaurusOfCats · 20/10/2023 14:27

fishingfor · 20/10/2023 14:21

it's 'percolater' by the way :)

No, it’s percolator. Although I’m only commenting because you did.

Dishwashersaurous · 20/10/2023 14:55

Ignoring the previous absence issues.

The fact is that if she is too ill to be at school then she's obviously too ill to get public transport home by herself. And that is why the school won't let her go by herself. A pupil that is well enough to get a public bus home is well enough to stay in school.

Dishwashersaurous · 20/10/2023 14:55

At least her sister can accompany her on the bus after school to actually get her home

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2023 14:58

She needs to buck up and you need to learn how to drive.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 20/10/2023 15:08

Just trying to be helpful for the debate of spelling.

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