to consider moving Ds out of grammar school?

[Ifitsmeanttobe]

Ds has always been challenging behaviour (adhd and asd traits) but is very academic and fits right into a grammar school with the idea of keeping him out trouble.
Older sibling is at local large comp and most of his primary mates are there too.
His teachers at primary very much supported the idea of grammar and told us his behaviour support and pastoral care would be much better at grammar.
He’s always had issues with building and maintaining relationships and while he is a popular child he can also be an alpha male which creates issues which i think already caused a rift between him and another child.
This week he cried and begged me to try and move him to our local school.
My heart breaks for him as i know the situation will be same even if we move him. He will have the same issues with peer relationship but with the added issue of getting it the wrong crowd, falling behind academicly.
He does not believe me when i tell him he initially might find comfort in seeing his old primary mates but the same way as he never formed a close bond with them, the same conflicts will still be there. He feels left out as still very much sees groups chats about what some of them do.
I just hoped that by the end of the first term he would have come round.

Moving a child from grammar because they are having real difficulty fitting in is one thing. Doing so over one peer relationship, where there's no bullying, sounds a bit of an overreaction to me. Black and white thinking can catastrophise the size of the problem and entrench the idea that this one, big, solution is the only possible one.

However grammar isn't always the best for for a bright child. I have a well behaved autistic child who should have fit the mould at an academic school but didn't. He is 100x better off in a less academic setting with more autism-literate teachers, self-consciously inclusive ethos as its USP and much less homework. Having evenings off has profoundly improved his quality of life and ability to cope with school. I think you need to figure out if your son is generally having a lot of social/ emotional/ executive function challenges that he is struggling with. Or, is catastrophising about one of the falling outs or character clashes that everyone must learn to ride out, without moving schools.

I was an academic child separated from my best friend by 11-plus. I never fitted in to grammar school and it's affected me all my life. On the other hand, I wouldn't have been better at a less academic school. What would have helped would have been some counselling/ help with interpersonal relationships and people skills.

while he is a popular child he can also be an alpha male

What does this mean? He wants to be in charge? Bossy? Physical?

I think your instinct is right that any interpersonal difficulties may be the same wherever. It doesn’t sound like it is anything about the school that is causing his issues so there’s no reason to think moving would help, unless you know that the comp runs ASD helpful initiatives like social workshops.

I would also say - he’s only half a term in? Many children whether ND or NT take a while to find their tribe in senior school.

thanks for this. Grammar school is absolutely the right choice for him academically. He thrives on being challenged and overall the school is a fantastic place.
My doubts are purely a mother’s weakness. Listening to him feeling sad and tired which i’m pretty certain would still be the same regardless where he ended up.

Yes he can be overpowering at times and if there is another strong character, they can clash. Also he is quite insecure and if he senses that he might not be liked it can trigger silly behaviour where he might be provocative.
He had had counselling and workshops and is much more considerate but it is a new environment and everyone trying to fit in so sure it’s not an isolated situation but i can tell this is what’s triggered this week’s unhappiness.

did he only start in september? remember october isn’t the end of the first term but only half way through (hence half term). maybe reassess at christmas which is end of the term.

You are correct. He is there to learn, and not to mess about with his friends. Making friends is important but as you say, he will have the same problems at the comp but without the supervision and pastoral care that will keep him on track.