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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DS getting annoyed

28 replies

Dracomalfoysmum · 19/10/2023 22:27

DS (age 11) hates seeing DD (age 8) biting her nails. He gets really really would up by it and is constantly telling her not to bite her nails and can get completely distracted and distressed when he sees her do it! It is a bad habit of DD but, although I do gently discourage DD from doing it, I also don’t think it does anyone else any harm and she is otherwise happy. I’ve tried to explain this to DS but he continues to tell her not to do it as he says it’s disgusting and spreads germs! He says it harms his eyes to watch DD do it!! DD is now getting really wound up by DS (although at times I’m sure she’s doing it on purpose to wind up DS-normal sibling behaviour I suppose!). I then get annoyed at DS getting annoyed at DD and it feels like a viscous circle!!

AIBU to get annoyed at DS re his behaviour towards DD? Anyone had similar situation and how did you resolve?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 19/10/2023 22:36

No don't allow your son to verbally abuse and harass his younger sister over a habit that genuinely has no impact on him. This disturbance is for him to manage not her.

Wolfiefan · 19/10/2023 22:43

Well it doesn’t harm his eyes so that’s rubbish. It isn’t hurting him and it’s not up to him to tell his sibling how to behave. He needs to walk away if he can’t stop picking on her.

Original poster
Dracomalfoysmum · 19/10/2023 22:45

I’m inclined to agree with you @pictoosh but I’m at a complete loss how to stop him! I pull him up every time I see him get on at her but it doesn’t stop! I’ve done screen bans etc but nothing seems to stop him. Screen bans almost make it worse because he’s then around her more!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dracomalfoysmum · 19/10/2023 22:48

@Wolfiefan I agree. I’m finding it really difficult to keep them away from each other in places like the dinner table, the car etc.

OP posts:
Openocean · 19/10/2023 22:48

@Dracomalfoysmum is there anyone else around him that acts like that? Impatient, expects to be able to control another person? Feels entitled to having his preferences prioritised? It’s not unusual but it does typically come from somewhere, I ask because i think the cause will inform the solution a lot

NoRealChange · 19/10/2023 22:53

I think you need to talk to your son a bit more. It sounds like it could be an anxiety thing or maybe some connection with OCD. He may need to read a little about his worries and how to manage them. He needs to try and see this his reaction is excessive or at least gain some perspective.

Quitelikeit · 19/10/2023 22:57

Could the noise genuinely be hurting his brain? It is a real thing

If not then I’d be inclined to think this is a learned behaviour?

I would be asking him to leave the room if he cannot tolerate the noise and ask your dd to be mindful of the fact he doesn’t like it

Original poster
Dracomalfoysmum · 19/10/2023 23:00

@Openocean no nobody around him like that. I can be a bit impatient but neither myself or DH are controlling. DS can be quite intolerant of certain noises and textures so he may have some autistic traits-discussed with school but nothing happening at school. He does seem to get genuinely destressed by seeing DD doing this.

OP posts:
Comff · 19/10/2023 23:03

I have OCD and feel exactly the same way! It really makes my skin crawl, it’s so uncomfortable to be present when someone’s doing it.

We reached an agreement in my house: anyone can bite their nails as much as they want… in private. It’s worked really well.

And to be fair we can all refrain from doing things like picking our noses in front of others. Unless the nail biting has become such an extremely ingrained habit that it’s completely 100% subconscious then this isn’t too dissimilar to that. And as you say she’s potentially doing it on purpose some of the time…

CrapBucket · 19/10/2023 23:03

It’s not ok for him to behave badly to his sister (or anyone) - I recommend you read up about misophonia; if you think that applies to him then there are strategies to help him manage it.

Ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyourbiscuit · 19/10/2023 23:03

It sounds like your ds isn’t doing it to be controlling but rather it’s an ocd or similar problem. Which is then really difficult for you to manage as dd should be able to bite her own nails but it’s tricky for ds to be around it. He will have to learn strategies to overcome how he feels about it because he is highly likely to encounter other people biting their nails too. Do you think he would be like this if other people bit their nails or just his sister?

Original poster
Dracomalfoysmum · 19/10/2023 23:04

@NoRealChange I think a focussed chat might be a good idea-although he’s not very chatty. I’ve asked him if he’s worried about anything but he says he’s not and he’s happy. He’s got friends and is doing well at school. Apart from this I think he’s a good kid. I’ve not really thought about it being an OCD thing to be honest.

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clappyjay · 19/10/2023 23:04

Maybe it does really bother him and he can’t help it. In the same way some people can’t stand the sound of others eating etc? Seems strange to most people but can be genuinely distressing.

Snugglemonkey · 19/10/2023 23:06

I cannot be in a space with anyone biting their nails. I cannot cope with the sound. I cannot cope with seeing the nails in the mouth as every part of me is so tense, waiting for the sound. I have misophonia. I also have asd.

I would be paying attention to what his problem wirh it is. I would also never permit nail-biting obvs.

19847499fddqqedxx · 19/10/2023 23:07

My sister is like this especially over biting nails, picking lips and eating/ chewing she has misophonia. When she was child it would escalate to the point where she would attack me, and I would only be eating my cereal.
Take your son to the doctors and see if that’s the issue. My sister had therapy for it to manage it better

SarahLKelp · 19/10/2023 23:10

Is he genuinely afraid of spreading germs? It is unhygienic and perhaps he has some anxiety around that.

I'd be telling DD to stop for her own good really, and I'd tell DS that reminding her once is OK but after that it's not his business. Hopefully if he reacts less she will do it less as it sounds as though she could be doing it to get this OTT reaction

Original poster
Dracomalfoysmum · 19/10/2023 23:11

i think he may have misophonia (although it isn’t just the sound it is also now even her fingers being near her mouth-I suppose he is anticipating the sound). However I’ve noticed it is only DD he will get annoyed/distressed at. DH is also a nail biter and DS doesn’t seem to be triggered by his nail biting (which is far less though to be fair).

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sprigatito · 19/10/2023 23:13

This is a really common issue in families with more than one ND member, especially children - one child's sensory seeking behaviour transgresses the other child's sensory sensitivity and neither can compromise. In my experience it was best to have the conversation out in the open without apportioning blame, and find strategies to reduce conflict, eg dd knows to move away from ds if she really needs to bite her nails, and ds knows to move away from dd if she's doing it. Displacement activities can also help, especially for dd if you want her to stop biting her nails (eg one of mine had a special box of fabric scraps he was allowed to chew rather than eating his clothes)

I don't think it's helpful to just tell ds to suck it up, as some posters are suggesting. He probably can't.

Original poster
Dracomalfoysmum · 19/10/2023 23:13

@19847499fddqqedxx thats really interesting. Was it just you that your sister was wound up by or did she react similarly to others? Good to hear therapy helped. I’m struggling to know how to do this without physically separating them until one of them moves out!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dracomalfoysmum · 19/10/2023 23:17

@sprigatito Inwould really like DD to stop nail biting so will look into that. I don’t really see and ND traits in DD. Apart from
nail biting, she’s probably the most NT of the whole family!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dracomalfoysmum · 19/10/2023 23:23

@SarahLKelp Im not sure if it’s germs or just that he is very risk averse. He will often try to ‘parent’ DD if he thinks she is doing something risky (also does this with 3 year old DNephew) eg playing with ball in house, running by poolside etc. We’ve tried to explain to him that that’s not his job!

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19847499fddqqedxx · 20/10/2023 06:57

@Dracomalfoysmum with everybody, even when my oldest son used to eat yoghurt around her she had to put head phones in.
When she goes out for meals, she has head phones in as well and she rarely eats with others.

Buy him a pair of headphones for now and if he sees her biting her nails ask him to pop them on to listen to music or something and encourage him not to watch the best you can.

Wolfiefan · 20/10/2023 07:33

So he doesn’t complain when his dad bites his nails? So it’s not a noise thing. He needs to leave her alone and stop being a bully. Making her anxious will probably make her bite her nails more. It’s not his place to make her stop.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 20/10/2023 07:38

If he's fine when his dad and others bite their nails then this just sounds like he wants to exert control over his younger sister. It's not OK for him to bully her.

Snugglemonkey · 20/10/2023 08:20

Dracomalfoysmum · 19/10/2023 23:11

i think he may have misophonia (although it isn’t just the sound it is also now even her fingers being near her mouth-I suppose he is anticipating the sound). However I’ve noticed it is only DD he will get annoyed/distressed at. DH is also a nail biter and DS doesn’t seem to be triggered by his nail biting (which is far less though to be fair).

Is he less triggered, or less able to express it due to the power differential? I was scared if my parents and did not complain Bout them. However, to cope with that I picked my head until it bled or dug my nails into my skin. Also, it made me mire desperate to control my brothers. That seemed like my only hope.