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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want the builders to finish the house and not my husband?

20 replies

thegreenlight · 19/10/2023 20:02

We are having massive building works - things are really hard. We’ve over run by about 3 months and are living with my mum in the day and sleeping in 1 room at night with our two children.

DH and the builder had a falling out - builders didn’t turn up for one day and DH sent (a perfectly reasonable) message saying we were worried about it getting cold with no finished roof, no running water and no radiators and wanting daily updates.

Builder fired back a very long message telling us we were being unreasonable and said we either leave him alone to finish the job or we part ways.

DH spoke to his dad (who is a builder but never offered to help) and they decided between them that THEY would finish the job. DH has a very stressful full
tome job and I don’t know how he thinks he would be able to do it!

I drove past to see if the builders were there the next day and they were (DH said they wouldn’t be) I then went in and had a conversation with the builder and ironed everything out. Build back on track.

DH is furious! Even though he said the best case scenario would be the builder carrying on he obviously didn’t really mean that even though he assured me that was the case and he was obviously just going to make them leave!

He is now into day 2 of not speaking to me and being very cold and distant. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he just said ‘no’.

my mum has money tied up in the build too and was so worried and upset at the thought of the builders not finishing.

He really seems to despise me right now and even left the build group chat. I feel like it’s all on me now and it’s horrible. It’s like he wants it to fail to prove me wrong but this is our home. I’m so upset. I know I hurt his pride but I don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
vnoud · 19/10/2023 20:07

He sounds pathetic

Hibambinos · 19/10/2023 20:14

You undermined him and that has upset him. Basically his pride is wounded because you went back on what he was planning and have no faith in his ability to finish the build.
he will come round, he just has to “stomp” it out of his system .

thegreenlight · 19/10/2023 20:17

I get that I hurt his pride and he absolutely could finish the build as he is very good at things but he works full time. The builders are working while he’s at work and it seems mad that he is upset about the builders taking too long but is happy to take MUCH longer doing it alone!

OP posts:
Validus · 19/10/2023 20:20

If you kick the builders off site you still have to pay them in full. He needs to give his head a wobble.

Cnidarian · 19/10/2023 20:24

Oh let him strop. You did the right thing, he knows it. When he is ready to put his big boy pants back on consider the form of apology that will be acceptable to you.

Couldyounot · 19/10/2023 20:26

Sulking. How attractive.

thegreenlight · 19/10/2023 20:30

I’m being super nice to him to try and win him over, sending him nice texts in the day which he just ignores. He has been staying late at work too (which I feel he is doing to punish me). What should I do? I asked if he wanted to talk about it but got shut down. He is acting like he can’t stand me without actually saying it. Not hugging me back, not wanting to sit with me. I feel like crying but I’m trying to just go on as I don’t want to make it worse. My mum is really uncomfortable about it too. How should I act?

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 19/10/2023 20:35

Stop apologising and tell him he’s being ridiculous. You should be proud of how you handled it. You got the builders back on with the job. He cannot possibly get it done in The time they can. He is being an absolute idiot so stop pandering to him with the nice texts. All that will do is make him carry on as he knows you’re worried. Mine would have got the bollocking of his life.

vipersnest1 · 19/10/2023 20:35

Stop trying to appease him. You've done the only thing that is sensible to move the situation forward.

thegreenlight · 19/10/2023 20:37

I’m not good at confrontation at all. I don’t want an apology, I just want to go back to normal. He’s acting so strangely.

OP posts:
terraced · 19/10/2023 20:39

We are also having renovations and it's tough. We're living in the house and are doing lots of the work alongside our jobs. I think you've done the right thing in terms of the builders as they will finish it quicker (the end of ours can't come soon enough!). Perhaps your husband feels he would have more control if he was doing it and having control of it is a tempting prospect. I don't have much advice I'm afraid but the whole process is very stressful and that's probably where his actions are stemming from.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/10/2023 20:40

You tell him, "I'm done, let me know when you've finished sulking. And it's rude to do it in front of other people so get told". And breezily carry on with your day.

You're not; his staff, his subordinate, his counsellor, his confessor, his support dog. Stop acting like you are. You disagreed, completely sensibly, he's sulking like a baby.

thegreenlight · 19/10/2023 20:45

He just got up and left the bed with some stupid ‘I’m going to the toilet’ then when I went out he was sat at the top of the stairs then tried to say he was looking for water leaks. He’s acting really shady too. I don’t think he would have been worse to me if I had cheated!

OP posts:
Olika · 19/10/2023 20:49

Just ignore his drama. Get on with everyday life and let him sulk by himself.

Nicole1111 · 19/10/2023 20:53

Olika · 19/10/2023 20:49

Just ignore his drama. Get on with everyday life and let him sulk by himself.

This ☝🏻
You’ve made attempts to reconcile and can do no more than that. I’d also like to think that if you stop pandering to him he might slip out of the petulant child act more quickly

Ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyourbiscuit · 19/10/2023 20:56

Yep, stop giving it attention

GrumpyPanda · 19/10/2023 21:08

If he's ignoring you then you can ignore him right back, can't you? He's not there. Won't need any food either..

mycatsanutter · 19/10/2023 21:19

He is being ridiculous, childish and pathetic, stop creeping round him you are not in the wrong ! I can be quite sarcastic so would probably end up saying ' I didn't know you had gone part time ?' To which he would say he hadn't then you could say ' so when the fuck did you think you were going to have time to build a house ?!'

ThirdDressStress · 19/10/2023 21:32

You are a more patient woman than me, I would have blown up at him by now being absolutely ridiculous.

LoganCaleSeries5 · 19/10/2023 22:49

people and their egos, thats the oddity , besides where would he find the time etc ?

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