To go no contact with my mum?

[kindredsp]

I’ve not spoken to my mother for several months now and haven’t responded to a couple of texts and emails she’s sent since. The last time I spoke to her, I told her I wanted some space from her and to leave me be, with a very clear explanation as to why. I have since heard through other family members that she’s saying that I’m blanking her, that I’m denying her access to her grandchildren and that I have insulted her, and quite frankly I’m pissed.
Our relationship is very complex and I won’t bore you with too many details. But the straw that broke the camels back was when we decided to move away to a cheaper part of the country to gain some financial stability with a small mortgage (first time buyers with a limited deposit).
She then offered us 150k so we could stay local to her and still have a small mortgage. We said no originally as there’s always a condition or catch to her “help”, but eventually she wore me down and I accepted.
We house hunted, put an offer in for an incredible house, and had it accepted. The dream of living in an area we loved in a house we loved really was intoxicating.
Then she withdrew her offer. No real reason was given, other than that she couldn’t access that kind of money (she obviously originally said it was easy for her to access). I was so emotionally invested in the move that I persuaded my husband to go ahead with the purchase anyway despite it totally maxing ourselves out affordability wise. So we moved.
We’ve lived in our house for 5 years and money has been horribly tight. We love the area and the house, but we’ve literally lived month by month saving nothing. We have no money to live, just meet the basics. It is not the financial stability we were looking for. Add a pandemic, cost of living crisis and now the end of our fixed rate, we’re tighter than ever before.
We work our arses off and we’re missing everything. We can’t live, we can’t enjoy ourselves, we hardly see our children. It’s miserable and so stressful and the whole situation has put a huge strain on our marriage.
My mother breezes in and out with zero remorse for what happened. As far as she can see, we’re close by with a roof over our head so what’s the big deal. The last conversation I had with her was just as we were remortgaging and coming to terms with our monthly rate going up by a few hundred pounds. I said that if she’d let us make our own decisions we’d be in a financially stable position now and able to ride the spiralling expenses much better. She said she was only trying to help and had no idea it had put us under financial stress. She said we shouldn’t have bought the house if we couldn’t afford it.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, especially when you remove emotion from it. If I could go back I would have absolutely not bought our house. I would have reverted to the original plan. But at the time house prices were shooting up, we’d wasted 6 months on a fools errand and were about to be at a point where moving elsewhere wouldn’t have been the financial break we’d hoped for anyway and we’d still be stuck in rental today most likely.
But here we are. She hasn’t apologised for what she did. In fact, she said she couldn’t even remember how much she’d promised us. It feels like it was just a tactic to stop us from moving away so she could still see her grandchildren rather than allow us the freedom to make our own decisions.
I felt proud of myself for finally speaking up about it and her response also made me realise that I don’t want her in our lives. But now she’s telling everyone that I’ve insulted her (I haven’t), but I have stopped her seeing the grandchildren because I’m not seeing her myself and I am ignoring her messages because I asked for space the last time we spoke. So am I the AH?

Can you put the house up for sale and move somewhere cheaper? The house isn't worth the financial strain, marriage problems and not seeing your children. Have you looked into this?

Sell the house and move as PP said. And she didn’t make you buy it, you made that decision yourselves.

I can understand the disappointment you felt when she withdrew the financial help with buying your house. You would have been well within your rights to complain about that.
But if I’m reading it correctly you chose to buy the property anyway without the support and are now blaming her for your decision to do that. You could have chosen to pull out of that house and carried out your original plan of moving away. You can’t blame her for your choices.

On the information being presented here, YABU. You didn’t have to buy the house after she withdrew the offer, and you could still sell up and move somewhere cheaper.

Your mother didn't make you buy the house. YOU were emotionally invested, and you persuaded your husband to go along with the purchase. You have ample time to change your mind.

You can go no contact with your mother for whatever reason you like. She sounds like a pain. So I wouldn't blame you.

So you're not talking to your mum because she offered to give you £150K, then you proceeded to make a financial decision based on having that £150K, then she decided not to spend her money in that way, but you proceeded with that financial decision despite being £150K in cash worse off?

YABU and grabby.

You have posted about this situation before I think?

YANBU. Just move and get on with your lives.

Yanbu

Use this opportunity to save money and finally be free of her shit.

@HilaryWank the OP is very clearly explained. No need for your insults. In no way does OP sound ‘grabby’. Just disappointed and let down. And now broke.

@kindredsp if you can manage a move financially I’d think about it even if it’s a few years down the line. Now ( in my area anyway) is a very bad time to sell unless you can buy at a similar discount.

I would personally keep your mother at very low contact. If something terrible happened to her would you really not want to know/ visit? By remaining at distance you keep the moral high ground. She has treated you badly but probably few others would truly see that and you’ll be judged.

I hope things improve for you.

Whilst it must have been so frustrating and annoying for her to back out at the last minute, it was ultimately your choice to buy the house you currently live in, so I don't think you can blame your Mum for your financial situation now (although I understand why you may feel resentful).

These other family members; do they know about your 'complex relationship' with your Mum? Are they likely to believe her? And what do their opinions mean to you? Why are you so bothered by what they think of you? Are you able to set the record straight with any of the family members?

I think yanbu. It was awful of her to manipulate you in that way and I'm not surprised you haven't forgiven her.

I don't think you can blame her for the fact you went ahead with the house purchase. You're adults. It's fine to say you were emotionally invested, but surely you knew in your heart of hearts that this was overstretching you massively.

I can understand the disappointment of her retracting the deposit however.
I would go LC with her.

One of the OP’s other threads is them asking if they should make an official complaint about their GP not recommending an abortion back when they were mid twenties, as by then their DC was then 11/12 and they’d found it very difficult financially over the years.

A pattern of lack of accountability emerges, tbh.

People who didn't grow up with narcissistic mothers won't understand what you're saying OP. I completely understand. My M has pulled identical stunts in the past. And yes you do feel that she is to blame because you are still emotionally enmeshed with her and struggling to identify your own boundaries.

You are right to go NC. You are wrong to expect anyone to believe or support you in your family of origin (FOO). They will likely want to appease her to keep her off their backs, and that means siding with her, undermining you, making you feel guilty etc.

By going NC with her you will start to see how deeply fucked up the entire family system is. I would describe it as no one is innocent and they don't like it when anyone dares to take a stand.

You are doing the right thing and I would encourage you to go ahead with moving away, selling the unaffordable house and moving to somewhere cheaper as you originally planned. There will be the advantage of putting some distance between you and M, this will help reduce the amount of havoc she can wreak on your life.

You will have built up some equity in the house so fingers crossed will be able to either take some money out on sale or use that for a larger deposit and reduce mgage monthly payments down to a comfortable level.

YANBU. What your mother did sounds extremely manipulative to me. And you and your family are living with the consequences of it whilst she seems to be minimising or downplaying her role, and not taking responsibility for anything.

I would move if possible and go NC. It doesn't sound like the house is bringing you much joy, and I cannot see interest rates being as low as they have been again for the foreseeable future, so not much prospect of an improvement on that front.

I agree with what PPs have said about narcissistic mothers. I have my own one to contend with, who has behaved similarly to yours, and have been LC with her for about 3 months. It has really helped me feel calm again (particularly important as I am pregnant). I only communicate with her by text, and then only when it is absolutely essential. I now realise that she is a selfish and deeply unpleasant person who has never taken responsibility for anything, and for whom other people have always picked up the pieces and cleared up her messes. I am absolutely not going to be that person for her any longer, and it feels so liberating.

Good luck OP.

I find it grabby that the OP went ahead with a stupid financial decision based on the promise of a huge wedge of £150K of someone else's money.

The OP could've refused the money in the first place. Then, when the offer was withdrawn, she could've pulled out of the house. She didn't and now she's after blaming her mum for the financial straits she's in.

"It feels like it was just a tactic to stop us from moving away"

^^ This is exactly what it was. It was a selfish, manipulative move on her part and a terrible thing to do. You fell for her tactic because you are her daughter, and she has trained you to feel fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). Take a look at the website Out Of The Fog and see if any of it resonates with you.

If you want to cut her out of your life, then go ahead, but know that it comes with consequences. Toxic people ALWAYS kick off when they are called out on their behaviour. She will tell the whole world what a terrible person you are and act as though she has been very badly and unjustly treated. She believes that you have no right to have a life of your own without her.

"now she’s telling everyone that I’ve insulted her"

^^ This is typical of the way toxic people behave. They will blame everybody except themselves. Look up DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). This is what they do - they make out that they are the injured party and that they have done nothing wrong.

Sometimes on here I genuinely marvel at how the clear need/desire of a poster to put the boot in on an OP so often overrides the ability to consider the nuances of a situation.

It’s hard to let go of your ultimate dream when it’s within touching distance, most people would struggle with doing so.

You are not “grabby” OP 🙄 you made a mistake, a big one and you know it already. I’d be hurt too but I think I wouldn’t want to show that to my parent and I would definitely try to take responsibility for the decisions I subsequently made. However, you’d never have been in that situation without her offer so she bears some responsibility for that. I’d get rid of your house asap and move away to where you’ll have a better quality of life. Ignore your Mum’s dramatics and press on with your life. I’d probably still stay in contact because no contact is hard to maintain and she’s not done anything unforgivable.

we have

You’re not wrong to go NC, but the point at which you should have changed your plan with this house was when she revoked her offer. You knew why she’d done it (as in a false promise to keep you close) and you pressed ahead anyway.

You should sell and move away to somewhere cheaper

Sounds to me like you're blaming your mum for your mistake because it's easier. It's annoying she withdrew her offer, but she didn't force you to buy the house without her offer.

Your Mum was attempting to manipulate you but you can't put the blame your own decision to continue with the house purchase on her.

100% this.

Do not take her (or the rest of your family for now), into your confidence but go back to your original plan. This should, once the process is over and you're all settled into your new home, take some of the financial pressure off you and your husband, enable you to put some money into an emergency fund and breathe a little better, knowing your future is back on track.

How much you let your mother back into your lives is/will be your decision - but be careful not to rely on her, financially or otherwise, in the future. 🌹

I said that if she’d let us make our own decisions we’d be in a financially stable position now and able to ride the spiralling expenses much better.

Let you make your decisions?! Are you 12?

You did make your own decision when she withdrew her offer and you still did it knowing you couldn't afford it.

YABU.

Fair to say that she manipulated you into the purchase of an unaffordable house.

Sell up and move even if you end up renting for a while, your family, marriage and MH are most important. It might seem daunting but you will probably consider it to be the best decision of your life (eventually)

Sell, move, reclaim your life, and be happy, then tell her she can see the gcs but she pays all her travel.

Never take anything she says at face value again.