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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you ever get TOTALLY overwhelmed by wanting to do lots of things, yet end up doing nothing?

72 replies

Howmanyblanketsdoiwant · 18/10/2023 21:36

Honestly, I drive myself mad. I have ADHD and my Mum died recently and I am grieving or depressed or a bit of both.

I have so many things I want to do...and end up doing nothing. There is so much jostling around in my brain, I can't prioritise what I want to do most. So I eventually just slump with exhaustion and do very little.

For example, I signed up to go to a lecture tonight that I ended up cancelling. I spent the whole day consumed with things I should be doing and want to do, did nothing, and it's like I couldn't find the enthusiasm to go to the lecture this evening then.

I have so many things I'm interested in, realise I don't have enough time and get exhausted and overwhelmed, is anyone else like this?

I genuinely love yoga but yet again, have signed up for a monthly membership to Classpass and haven't gone - because my two favourite studios can't be booked for some reason, so I'm overwhelmed and haven't tried anywhere else.

Even fucking Netflix and other streaming services - I can't prioritise what to watch. Loads of stuff looks good, and then I can't choose and get drained and watch nothing.

If you relate, have you found anything that helped you prioritise? Could ADHD coaching teach me some tools to work with this?

OP posts:
JamSandle · 18/10/2023 23:34

JamSandle · 18/10/2023 23:29

Undiagnosed but this is me every damn die.

*day

GruffalosGirl · 18/10/2023 23:52

I have ADHD, and am medicated, but it doesn't solve everything. I find starting a task helps, as then I often get into it and keep going, and the starting is half the battle.

Also, telling someone else what I have to do. I tell my dad if I need to do something on a particular day, like call the insurance company, and ask him to message me hourly and ask me if I have started it. The accountability helps. And fear and external deadlines do work sometimes, but they cause huge amounts of stress, so need saving for really important stuff.

I have as many routines and structures set up as possible, so I don't have to think about what I have to do. So meal plans, shopping lists, task lists. And a weekly and monthly schedule for me and the kids on the fridge door. I spent an entire weekend sorting them all, which was tough, but now I have to use much less brain power. I also have lots of frozen pre prepared ingredients. So frozen mince, frozen chopped vegetables, frozen jacket potatoes. It means I will make a healthy dinner and not get takeaway, as I don't have to defrost anything or chop vegetables, which would mean I wouldn't bother.

Everything that can be automated is. Alexa tells me when to take out the bins, and turns the lights on and off, and I have saved in my phone what bin goes out on what week. I have alarms set for everything. Even when DS has to get in the shower in the morning and when the kids need to leave for the bus. And lists and reminders and routines on my phone. All bills go by direct debit, and I have an account for bills only that a set amount goes in to so nothing bounces when I inevitably overspend.

When I have to do boring jobs like put away washing, iron school uniforms or wash up, I listen to an audiobook or podcast. It stops me getting bored and going on my phone halfway through, and means I am more likely to stick with it.

Cutting myself some slack and accepting this is how I am has helped the most. I have made myself get a shower tonight, because I know if I intend to tomorrow I just won't do it. I used to lie to myself that I would just somehow manage it, and then be really stressed when I inevitably didn't follow through.

I give myself twice as long as I think anything will take, plan to do half the things I think I can do in any day, and make sure I give myself plenty of downtime to recover.

I have a pile of toys to go to the charity shop that have been there over a year, and can't get into the back room because it's that piled high with junk, so it's far from perfect. But I accept I am like this now, and it's a brain difference and not a personality defect, and so myself esteem has improved, which means I am more able to be practical and come up with solutions rather than hate myself for not being able to do what everyone else can.

IloveStaceySolomon · 19/10/2023 08:00

CBT helped me deal with the death of my Mum and my MIL within less than 6 months of each other during the pandemic. In many ways, it is just making lists and sticking to them, but I found it helped a lot. I'm sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and don't expect to do too much.

DilemmaDelilah · 19/10/2023 08:20

I don't think I have ADHD, but I am autistic.
I write lists ALL the time, and I have a whiteboard to put on everything I need to do that week.
I cope by breaking things into manageable chunks - so instead of 'clean the kitchen ' it would be:
Wash up
Put dry dishes away
Clean sink
Clean work surfaces
Clean hob
Etc.
And I only do jobs for 20 minutes to half an hour usually, then I have a break, then I start again. I only ever do one thing at a time, so it would be all the tasks for the kitchen, before starting on the sitting room, OR it would be all the floors, before something else.

Ginmonkeyagain · 19/10/2023 08:30

I'm NT but find it impssible to relax and recognise the feeling of always wanting to do something.

Routine helps. So I aways do 15 mins of Duolingo a day - in the morning if I WFH or at lunch time if I am in the office. I have a routine if 30 min of yoga in the evening before dinner. Do these things enough and they become a habit.

You also need to be realistic about what you can do each day. Mr Monkey is a nightmare for this, he makes all sorts of plans until I gently point out that he hasn't factored in travel or preparation time.

I find it helps to identify the fixed point and work back from that. On days in the office I have to get the 8.28am train, so any morning activities have to be timed around that fixed point.

If you don't have a fixed point create your own. So for the evening say you want to eat dinner at 8pm so you need to schedule you evening activitie to ensure you can make that point.

midlifemelancholy · 19/10/2023 08:43

This is me
I too have self diagnosed adhd but every thing I read convinces me it's true
I have had success with the Getting things done method
Where you write the next action on your list
I am not as good at diarising as I am I could be because I like to leave a buffer in my system

FannyGotobed · 19/10/2023 09:13

BethTalk2thehandpodcast · 18/10/2023 22:01

Imbalance of the task size on the list is fine, as I say, you can have a sub list for the beefier tasks. Personally I have a list with everything on it. At the top I have a section called today, and a section called this week, and then a section called future. Each morning I look through the this week section and move a few tasks into today. Each week I look through the long list at the bottom and move some into the this week section. Every now and then I look at the long list and see stuff that’s been there for months and it’s still not even close to getting priority, so I remove it from the list. Ticking stuff off is immensely satisfying so rather than keeping the list consistent with the big jobs, I’d actually urge you to include some of the routine jobs in there. On a tough day, you might only put hoovering into your today list. On a day where you feel better, you might put hoovering and a couple of steps for your website e.g. register domain and organise hosting. The list is yours and having it gives you control, which certainly makes me feel better - as does ticking things off or removing them.

This may not be for everyone but it has helped me stay organised and productive over a long period of time. You may think, I just want the today part, that’s fine, do that. Having some structure over what you need to do is the first step to actually doing it.

I hope you find something in there that you can use.

Are you me?! I do virtually exactly the same list structure on my phone! I have Today, Tomorrow, This Week, This Month and 6 Months headings on my list. I also have a Reference section for links, dates, etc that I don't use very often but want to remember. Each morning while drinking my coffee I look at the list and move stuff around, sometimes I go very detailed with housework tasks, other times it's more general. I've learned that as long as I do at least a couple of them that day then that's fine, the others can roll down to tomorrow. I delete most of them when they're done so the list doesn't get stupidly long. Repeat tasks - such as paying my credit card bill - move back to the This Month section when they're done.

I'm not diagnosed ADHD or ASD but definitely have traits and can get overwhelmed with stuff while not "allowing" myself any down time. I always feel as if I should be doing something!

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2023 09:32

Howmanyblanketsdoiwant · 18/10/2023 21:48

I don't even have a to do list, it sounds really stupid but I don't know how to make one?

What I mean is - the list either ends up being massive vague statement such as "make simple website for small business" or the complete opposite, it's a never ending list of very small tasks such as "hoover rug" and "choose hair salon and style and make appointment".

The list always looks unbalanced and makes me feel anxious. Also, I don't know where to stop with it? The life list of tasks never ends until, well, life ends. I don't know how to neatly wrap up the list, it goes on day after day or else there's no list at all.

I have seperate lists for both.
I have a list with stuff like "washup" "book day off" "dye hair" etc
And bigger ones, things I want to achieve in next 6 months etc
I wouldn't be able to function without them, I feel like my thoughts are scattered otherwise.. lists feel like they're mostly contained in boxes in my head, so I have room to enjoy life and think of other stuff. and I don't have ADHD.

PleaseUseTheSanitaryBinsProvided · 19/10/2023 10:53

Howmanyblanketsdoiwant · 18/10/2023 21:50

Oh this has reminded me that I do get some modest success with music playing! thank you!

It can't have any words or any particularly interesting musical structure but I do like certain music for trying to do things.

@Howmanyblanketsdoiwant I’m happy to share my instrumental playlists if you’d like (and use Spotify)!

EmmaEmerald · 22/10/2023 23:06

PleaseUseTheSanitaryBinsProvided · 19/10/2023 10:53

@Howmanyblanketsdoiwant I’m happy to share my instrumental playlists if you’d like (and use Spotify)!

Ditto, I love music for getting stuff done but it can't be stuff I love because I get too into it.

Hankunamatata · 22/10/2023 23:11

I'm super a making lists then not doing a single thing on the list. Weirdly I get overwhelmed by streaming services and tien them off

Flissz · 22/10/2023 23:12

I don't have ADHD but I'm the exact same.

I have books and there are so many I want to read, but how can I choose which one to read? So many movies, so many TV shows, so many games.... I want to learn languages, I want to go swimming mode, I want to go to the gym, I want to do this and that and this. How can I possibly decide which one to do? It's exhausting just trying to decide.

Flissz · 22/10/2023 23:14

And I'm always aware that doing one activity is eating in to time I could have spent doing a different activity and I don't have enough time to dedicate to everything and then I get really upset about the constraints of life

InattentiveADHD · 22/10/2023 23:20

magneticmoon · 18/10/2023 21:41

I came in here to say sounds like my ADHD but no need...

Me too, read the title and thought "sounds like ADHD" and the opened the thread.....

AuntieObnoxious · 22/10/2023 23:21

I do ‘to do lists’ but I find once they get too long I get into a rut and like you end up doing nothing. I’ve found the 5 things per day works best for me. Sometimes I end up doing more, other times I don’t get 5 done but generally it helps me to focus without getting overwhelmed. I try to make it quite specific, tomorrow’s list is, take car to garage, change my bedding, book train tickets, clean fridge, make meal plan for week.

ACGTHelix · 22/10/2023 23:46

i have different project ideas, then get distracted easily, so unless its sit and focus, im a mix with projects

OneMoreStepAlongTheRoadIGo · 23/10/2023 00:12

Yup but keep wondering about going back ti go about diagnosis...

Frances0911 · 23/10/2023 00:18

There's no hope for me, as even unloading the dish washer seems like a huge task. I normally start with the cutlery, then give up, and just take it out as I need to use it.

Does this sound like ADHD?

junbean · 23/10/2023 00:56

Howmanyblanketsdoiwant · 18/10/2023 21:48

I don't even have a to do list, it sounds really stupid but I don't know how to make one?

What I mean is - the list either ends up being massive vague statement such as "make simple website for small business" or the complete opposite, it's a never ending list of very small tasks such as "hoover rug" and "choose hair salon and style and make appointment".

The list always looks unbalanced and makes me feel anxious. Also, I don't know where to stop with it? The life list of tasks never ends until, well, life ends. I don't know how to neatly wrap up the list, it goes on day after day or else there's no list at all.

Just go for it. Whatever doesn't get done one day moves to the list for tomorrow. It's amazing how good it feels to check things off as done. It's not the answer but it does help. You'll figure out how to write it so it suits you over time. You can break down complex tasks into smaller ones. I use both paper and my notes app on my iPad just depending on my mood. I was exactly like you a few years ago when my therapist told me exactly what I just wrote above. I tried it out and she was right. It didn't fix my problems, and I am going to get tested soon as medication might help. But I have accomplished a LOT because of my lists.

LaurieStrode · 23/10/2023 01:08

Flissz · 22/10/2023 23:12

I don't have ADHD but I'm the exact same.

I have books and there are so many I want to read, but how can I choose which one to read? So many movies, so many TV shows, so many games.... I want to learn languages, I want to go swimming mode, I want to go to the gym, I want to do this and that and this. How can I possibly decide which one to do? It's exhausting just trying to decide.

Agree; this is my life most of the time.

Ladybird69 · 23/10/2023 01:59

Omg this is me too. I just put it down to having a short attention span and just me keep putting things off, especially things I don’t want to do or feel uncomfortable doing. Ie I joined an art class as I wanted to learn to paint but then never went as i got anxious about joining a group of strangers! Is that a sign of ADHD? Tia

Falcor · 23/10/2023 03:16

Grief magnifies my ADHD symptoms so my only advise is to be kind and patient with yourself

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