Not suicidal.. more failing to see my existence as worthy

[BirthdayCake6]

I don’t even know where to start when trying to write this.

I am 26, and I have had years and years and years of suffering from low self esteem, anxiety and just weird behaviour. Overthinking, overanalysing, hypervigilance, the lot.

At school, I had close friends. I talk to none anymore. At university, I had a big group of friends. They all cut me off for NO reason and their best reason was because I split up with my ex (amicably) and they still wanted to be friends with him.
Since then, I’ve had a big group of friends. I fell out with one of the girls, and the rest of the group all cut me off, blocked me, unfriended me left right and centre.

I have the most loving boyfriend. God knows what he sees in me. He tells me all of these scenarios were everyone else’s problem. But I just think I am a useless sack of shit who can’t hold down friendships. I have probably 2 friends at this point and we’re not even that close.

I have no hobbies. I’m not good at anything and I have nothing to show for myself. I don’t feel like I have any personality.

Every time I try to make myself a better person, I fail. I’ve tried therapy and counselling; it didn’t work. I’ve tried medication; it didn’t work. I’ve tried new hobbies; I didn’t enjoy them. I’ve made new friendships; they’ve all fallen apart.

I can’t even put my finger on what I do wrong, but I manage to never ever move forward. I honestly feel my existence is just pretty pointless at this stage :(

You are not pointless. You are here, you exist and you don't have to compare or measure your life with anyone.

You don't need hobbies or goals or ambitions. Just be you. Spend time with your boyfriend, or your pets (if you have one), spend time in nature - it's true that nature is healing.

Drop any expectations that you are carrying around about yourself. You might be here on this planet for 90 years, so what if some people don't like you? There will be others out there who will. Look in the mirror and say "I like me".

You are loved and you give love. Life doesn't have to big and beautiful, it can be small and quiet and beautiful too.

What lights you up, OP? What do you find interesting/engrossing? It doesn't have to be anything 'worthy' or 'cool' - do you love TV, do you get engrossed in stories? Do you take pleasure in anything?

Forget all the other people for a minute, even your boyfriend. If you were completely on your own and could do whatever you wished, what would you do? What are you drawn to?

It can actually be harder to figure this out than some people think, especially if you have a history of self-doubt and people-pleasing.

Spend a bit of time being selfish, unearthing YOU. Something I found really liberating and self-confidence-inducing when I was young (19) was solo travel - it doesn't matter if the people you meet like you or not, you'll be leaving in opposite directions soon; it doesn't matter if you do 'cool' stuff with your time or not, nobody's watching; you can go where you like, stay where you like, do what you like there, do nothing, move on when you want. Some people find it quite confronting, never having had that freedom before.

You're only 26; you're not supposed to have it all figured out yet. Give yourself a chance.

Have you ever been single for any length of time? Ever lived or travelled alone? What are your parents like/what was your childhood like?

Use the next 4 years to really dig into YOU. Stop worrying abut everybody else. You can't expect others to like you if (a) you don't like yourself and (b) you don't really know who you are yet.

For how long did you try therapy and counselling and what type of therapy was it?

I am a 'small world' person. I have my husband and kids, a handful of friends and very little social life, but I'm happy with that. It took me a long time to get to that place, but it is so freeing when you stop comparing yourself to other people and find what makes YOU happy. As a PP said above, find what makes you excited/content/joyful and go from there.

And why is your existence less worthy than anyone else's? There are billions of people on this planet and some of them are downright awful, so I'm pretty sure that your existence is far more 'worthy' than a lot of other people's. Be kind to yourself OP.

Do you want a family? To get married? I found/find a lot of peace in being a mother and a wife. I was never particularly good at any “career” I tried to have; I tended to get stressed and burn out so now I just work part time. I have lots of interests but I’m rubbish at sustaining many of them. I’m happy as Larry looking after my family tho. Could you set yourself little challenges like “I’m going to learn to cook a new meal for us” or doing voluntary work or helping a neighbour out? Happiness is usually found in doing stuff for others.

You don’t have to justify your existence. You didn’t ask to be born.

You say you don’t know what your boyfriend sees in you. Ask him. Ask him to make a list of your good points and what he loves about you. Take it from there.

Might be a bit of an out there suggesting, but with the social side of things is it possible you're ND? Reading your OP reminded me of posts I've read, from women mostly, about discovering they were Autistic or had ADHD as an adult and they had similar struggles to you. A lot of girls mask well and fit in till their teens when social interactions get increasingly complex. Just a thought from spending time on various forums. My DC are all Autistic. I think along with my anxiety and depression I probably have ADD too.

Agree with @SingingSands and @herewegoroundthebastardbush - be gentle on yourself. You could be ND (I know from my own and my kids’ experience that it makes relationships so much more complicated) and you’ve come across people who haven’t treated you well in friendships.

It might really help if you started talking to yourself in your head the way you would about someone you loved - so no more “not good at anything”, “no personality”, “pointless”. You have a personality, because you exist (plus, not that it matters, you also have a partner who enjoys your personality); your “point” is that you’re alive and can enjoy and experience life in its ups and downs; I bet you’re good at something. Not the very best at it in the world, because that’s only a tiny number of people, but even making a great cup of tea; listening to someone; writing a letter; watching the birds; noticing others.

I believe that life is for making the world better, and we have no real idea of the effect we have on others. A small smile to a stranger or holding the door for someone could be the difference between them feeling hated and invisible, and them feeling seen and welcomed. You don’t have to be a service animal, but you can do these tiny acts of betterment just to connect yourself to the rest of the world and feel like you can be valued like you value others.

Be kind to yourself! You need it, and you deserve it.

Have you done any cbt? If not the book overcoming low self esteem is a very good place to start

If you have one genuine friend in your entire life, you're very lucky. That's your boyfriend. He loves you and values you. I've never subscribed to the supposed ideal of having loads of friends. No one has lots of genuine friends. It's a fallacy.

As for being a "better" person, what does that even mean? You're a kind, thoughtful person who doesn't harm anyone with your life choices. That makes for a wonderful person in my book.

Stop being so critical of yourself. So much wasted emotional energy.

Oh I feel for you. Could you be Neuro diverse? I know I am now, I have a few friends and a partner and my world is small. I have children who are grown up and see them when I can. It's not everyones cup of tea. I stopped trying to be what other folk were being and I'm much happier
I wish you luck 🤞🏻

I suspect I have CPTSD from a strained upbringing. I completely sheltered myself because of my siblings constant judgement to the point where I don’t even know what my own interests or personality is anymore. My nervous system is all out of whack I think.

I want to try and find my own hobbies, but the list of things to try is so broad I don’t know where to start. :( and I never stick to anything anyway.

The whole friend group thing has eaten me up the last few weeks too :(

Really struggling today

Can you tell us what therapy you tried?

I tried 2 courses of CBT and didn’t find it helpful at all ☹️ I understand my distorted thoughts but it doesn’t change the fact I’m an anxious mess haha

Hey honey, of course you are worthy. You are the same as everyone else.
Your boyfriend loves you and a bright future in front of you.

You say you want to make friends. Many ways to do that, through sports clubs, church (religious) groups, volunteering.

What about at work have you got friends there? People to talk to?

How do you put your cbt in to practice? Do you take risks or stay in your comfort zone?

@BirthdayCake6

I didn't want to leave you hanging with no response and I'm sorry you are struggling today.

You shouldn't think you are unusual in struggling to see the point of existence- many people do which is why religion has always done a roaring trade over the centuries feeding of this question! (Note: this is absolutely definitely NOT a recommendation that the answer lies in any religion - it most definitely lies in you!)

I genuinely get where you are coming from and feel the same frequently. I think there are two schools of thought here:
A) Life is for living - enjoy yourself, you only live once, have fun etc
B) Use your time wisely - life is about making a difference big or small- the whole "wise men plant trees that they never sit in the shade of " ethos.

It is a personal choice which of the above you relate to and both in a way are correct. But if you are struggling today try and make a difference to someone else's day today, being the better person will make you feel better about yourself.

Thoughts are with you