Mental health question - trigger warning children

[mentalhealthq]

I hope this is an OK place to post. I didn't want to post in the mental health section because I'm trying to gauge how normal my feelings are among people with no particular mental health issues.

I have two young children, a toddler and a baby. We struggled to conceive the first and then the second came along easily. We could probably squeeze another one in if we don't wait too long but our home isn't really big enough, we both work full time and there are a few reasons why it wouldn't be a great idea to have a third, so I'm fairly sure we're done.

My AIBU is this. I quite often have intrusive thoughts about something happening to one of my children. Someone I vaguely know lost her two year old daughter recently - I think the official verdict was sudden unexplained death in childhood, i.e. like SIDS but in a child older than one. But even before that I would worry about things like cancer, car accidents etc. Basically I couldn't bear it if something happened to one of my children. Sometimes I even wonder whether we should have a third just in case something happens to one of the children we already have, which I know is crazy. I'm sure that if the worst did happen, having more children wouldn't lessen our grief in any way. I know the chances of something terrible happening to one of my children are quite low. I also know that these things do happen and you always think they only happen to other people until they happen to you.

I don't think about this all the time, I am able to go about my life without being crippled by anxiety. But I do think about it quite a lot.

Is this normal? Do most people have these thoughts? Does it just come with the territory of having children? Or is it something I need to be worried about in terms of my own mental health?

Thanks for reading.

It’s not uncommon to worry about something happening to your children but if it is constant and crippling then it could be an issue. Talk to your health visitor or doctor

You ARE BU to want a third dokey incase something happened to one if your other children.

However, these feelings are quite normal. I know other mums who have had the same intrusive thoughts.

Yes I think it’s quite normal to worry about this kind of thing and intrusive thoughts can be common. However I would say if it does become crippling and starts taking over your life then definitely have a chat with your GP

Have a look up about parental anxiety

It’s very normal to think these things.
I’ve had intrusive thoughts since my first and I’ve tried to live with them, I had some therapy which helped a bit but it came back with a vengeance after my 2nd baby.
it was impacting my mood and I was constantly on edge and had horrendous visions of my kids dying or being seriously ill.
also not helped by my job which entails looking after sick children.
i eventually went to see my GP for the anxiety.
it may be worth looking into talking therapy/information on postnatal anxiety.
there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you at all! But I know what it’s like and it’s a horrible way to live if the thoughts become overwhelming!

Thousands if not millions of parents have intrusive thoughts about something bad happening to their children (or other loved ones) these can be intensified or increased when something happens to someone we know as you have described OP.
In society it is still quite unusual to talk openly about these things due to fear of judgement.
You only need to be concerned if they start having significant impact on your functioning or a become a barrier to you doing things with/for your children.

Those thoughts generally are normal. The issue is whether you can brush them off or if they are intrusive, interrupt your day and are very distressing.

I struggled with PND after the births of both my children and had to seek help. Particularly after my second child I had distressing thoughts about something happening to me and leaving my family, I became preoccupied with thoughts of death. It was awful. I started to have thoughts about it being better us all not being here so.noone would ever be left behind. I couldnt watch TV as almost anything could trigger the thoughts around death. Antidepressants really helped me get back on an even keel.

My youngest is now 4, whilst have worries about both kids they feel within the realms of normal. Not taking ADs currently.

I had terrible mental health when my third DS was a toddler - at the time I had two under fours and an older child with ADHD. I had severe anxiety attacks which led to depression - I thought I was going mad. Part of that was constant anxiety over things that could happen to the kids, and yes, very intrusive thoughts.

It does get better though, I promise. I look back now and realise the mental load I was carrying, so it's not surprising. Be kind to yourself, OP. Having these anxieties is part of loving, but just because you can think something doesn't make it real or likely to happen. My kids are now in their 20s/30s - it all worked out fine.

Thanks for the sense check, everyone. This makes me feel better.

I had intrusive thoughts about cot death after both my boys were born i was a mental health nurse at the time and was fully aware of what they were and they were not rational but it didn't stop them.
Anti depressants helped me
I had them.again after my Husband, ssister died suddenly about 8 years ago and again anti depressants helped me
I'm not advocating either for or against anti depressants btw just saying they helped me.

I had this (still do occasionally)

Sounds like ocd op.

It helps to cut yourself off from news sites for a while. My emotions were all over the place for some time, and I found that avoiding news sites and social media really helped with the anxiety. It does get better!

I think it's more common when your DC are very little like yours, you become very attuned to the dangers of the world, like you've lost a layer of skin. It eases somewhat are they get older and their continued survival reassures you that they'll probably be all right. The fear is still there - all parents' worst fear is something happening to their children - but it doesn't intrude so much and gets into perspective with the more pressing practical concerns of daily life. But when they're babies, there's more unknowns so yanbu to think about this. If it feels like it's getting too much, please do talk to someone IRL.

This. The news is particularly awful at the moment which can lead to feelings of helplessness and worry, even subconsciously. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to switch off from what's going on in the world for a while.

Actually I did read an article about the Israeli hostages in Gaza and saw that one of them was a woman about my age with two young children about the same age as mine. So that probably hasn't helped.