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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like I don’t fit in?

7 replies

seoo · 18/10/2023 06:29

I’m 27, female, 5ft tall, get told I look younger than I am all the time.

I work as a SEO in the civil service in a data leadership role and feel like I don’t fit in. I get comments about my age, appearance all the time and people double checking my experience. I’ve been told I’m younger than my direct report’s daughter by her & that she’s my “work mum”. People outside the team sometimes revert to the people I manage instead of me. Sometimes I’ll reach out to someone and they ignore my messages, but are fine with everyone else. It’s clear that some people don’t respect me in post and are unnecessarily combative. It’s mainly other women who are like this.

I have worked in the civil service in both data and leadership roles since graduating with a maths degree. During and before uni, I also worked. I’m qualified to be in post. Everyone I worked with before knows my skillset and respects me, including senior management.

In this role, my management have given me really good feedback and reward&recognition, said I’ve really impressed them and to ignore the people judging me. Both of my managers, and also my mentors say it’s because of my age/gender that I’m having issues and to ignore these people as I’ve done nothing wrong. Aibu to let this knock my confidence regardless? Just feel like everyday is becoming a challenge and it’s turning into a minefield but there’s nothing I can do to fix it.

OP posts:
Flipflopflopflip · 18/10/2023 06:47

Call them out. I wouldn't accept comments about age or appearance or 'work mums' it's unprofessional and often just rude. Call people out on it and embarrass them if you have to, they'll stop soon enough.

seoo · 18/10/2023 07:56

I think some people just resent being managed by people younger than them…

one of my direct reports emailed me to say she won’t be attending my team meeting as she wants to get on with a non-urgent task that has 2024 as a return date. I emailed her back, CC’d the whole team, and said they’re all expected to attend. They all saw her email to me anyway as she sent it to everyone due to attend that meeting.

OP posts:
lljkk · 18/10/2023 08:09

some people aren't nice, yes

Amy71452 · 18/10/2023 08:13

Remember civil service will have a handful of incapable cruisers who can't do the job effectively and resent those who want to. But also remember the majority are great and supportive and will work well for you! Stick with it and be consistent. Sadly they won't leave your team as they won't have applications elsewhere but you can move around soon again

bungletru · 18/10/2023 08:15

I have been in this exact position. I was your age and made it to a really high up role, managing a lot of people - 80% older than me.

you don’t need to reveal your age ever at work to anyone (except HR). When asked you just say you may look young but you’re not.

I would 100% call out the behaviour. If it bothers you and you thjnk you are treated badly/differently - it’s still a form of discrimination - HR are there to help you there.

Do not let this knock your confidence. This could be just as much about you being a woman as it is your age. Build up your confidence and show your maturity in the way you react to these situations.
don’t let people walk over you.

well done on your response to that colleague that thought your instruction to attend a meeting wasn’t as important as the 2024 piece of work.

well done for you achievements. Don’t let people jealousy and bitterness take that away from you.

theduchessofspork · 18/10/2023 08:19

seoo · 18/10/2023 07:56

I think some people just resent being managed by people younger than them…

one of my direct reports emailed me to say she won’t be attending my team meeting as she wants to get on with a non-urgent task that has 2024 as a return date. I emailed her back, CC’d the whole team, and said they’re all expected to attend. They all saw her email to me anyway as she sent it to everyone due to attend that meeting.

Presumably she then turned up?

As a PP says, you have to call people out on it, every single time. It’s tiring for a bit but you just have to do it. It will get will get easier and you will have to do it less as people realise they can’t mess you around.

The report who calls herself your work mum may mean no harm, but next time she does it just say - X, I know you mean that kindly and I really value our friendly working relationship, but I am your supervisor, so please can we ditch that term from now on.

theduchessofspork · 18/10/2023 08:20

Also if you need support for this a few sessions with a coach might help.

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