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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have to disclose this? Tw rape

21 replies

snoreb · 18/10/2023 00:36

I've had a really shit few years. I've been off work loads.

2020 I saw my rapist in the street and it caused me to have a giant breakdown ( prison hadn't told me he'd been released), so I took time off (was forced) work for maybe 8 months? Struggled to go back and left, then I realised I needed to go back to work about 8 months after that so got a different job and then caught Covid that caused a still birth at 37 weeks. Took basically all the time off I was entitled to, needed more so I left, then in December last year I got a new job after getting my life together and was immediately diagnosed with cancer in the January. I've been off since because I'm on chemo and I've been too sick to work.

I'm at the end of my treatment now and I have found a new non clinical job that I can do and I had such high hopes of this being a new start and a slate wiped clean.

Until on Friday when I got an email from my new manager as my references have flagged up massive amounts of sick leave (understandably)

I have told occy health everything but do I also tell my manager? Do i go into detail? Will they even take it into consideration the reasons why I had huge absences or am I just condemned to never be able to work again because of my previous record?

I was a nurse but this is a band 5 admin role if that changes anything ?

OP posts:
Britneyfan · 18/10/2023 00:54

Hi OP, I’m a doctor and it’s not quite the same but I do understand your predicament.

I would definitely say to your manager that you are aware you’ve had a disproportionate amount of time off work over the past few years but you’d like to put it into context and explain that this has happened because of specific major adverse life events. If I were you I would give the specific examples of needing cancer chemotherapy and having a stillbirth. And let them know that you’re in a good place now and fully recovered from the cancer treatment and are not anticipating needing further time off work.

I do think they would take this into account. Without a good “excuse” it would definitely be a red flag if someone had huge swathes of sick leave in recent years that they are not really able to explain or for minor or unconvincing issues or things that are extremely likely to recur. But even managers understand that sometimes a whole lot of major crap and bad luck can hit a person all at once.

Britneyfan · 18/10/2023 00:55

Also you mention it being a non clinical role so I would also explain that you’ve specifically chosen this job as a non clinical role to suit your needs better going forward.

Howmanysleepsnow · 18/10/2023 01:03

What are you comfortable revealing? I’m guessing 2 references…. I’d probably explain about the cancer, plus either the still birth or an “assault”. But that would be my personal choice because I wouldn’t want to disclose my mental health history or discuss my rape with an employer (I’m not personally ready).
As an employer (who has experienced rape and a related depression- 1 in 4 of us will have) I’d understand and not judge, but I completely understand the expectation you have that you might be.

Original poster
snoreb · 18/10/2023 06:24

Thank you for responding. I think I'm just going to have to say it how it is and hope she doesn't revoke my job offer

OP posts:
Original poster
snoreb · 18/10/2023 09:31

I hate the hold this still has on me

OP posts:
Lynz32 · 18/10/2023 16:08

I used to be a nurse and had tons of sick leave at one point because I had major surgery and was then unwell after it.

I have always just dealt with my sickness issues at recruitment directly through occupational health and not with the ward manager. It's not actually the ward manager's business to ask about sickness before you are recruited. Occupational health are there specifically to deal with issues like this at recruitment. I have always had an appointment with them beforehand where all of my issues were discussed and then they made a judgement on whether I was fit to work or not with or without adjustments. That report then gets passed to the manager so really the manager should not be contacting you directly over this.

Also they are not allowed to revoke your job offer without being advised by occupational health if you are fit for work or not.

I would reply to the email by not going into detail but just say that "I have an appointment with occupational health on (date) to discuss these issues". Managers aren't supposed to ask you about sickness really before you are recruited as that is what occupational health is there for.

Conkersinautumn · 18/10/2023 16:12

I'd say yes, they relate to some very specific experiences in your past that have been reviewed ir are being reviewed by OHealth and see where it goes from there.

Lynz32 · 18/10/2023 16:13

Howmanysleepsnow · 18/10/2023 01:03

What are you comfortable revealing? I’m guessing 2 references…. I’d probably explain about the cancer, plus either the still birth or an “assault”. But that would be my personal choice because I wouldn’t want to disclose my mental health history or discuss my rape with an employer (I’m not personally ready).
As an employer (who has experienced rape and a related depression- 1 in 4 of us will have) I’d understand and not judge, but I completely understand the expectation you have that you might be.

Honestly the OP does not have to reveal any of this directly to the manager at all especially in the NHS as these issues are dealt with directly by occupational health in the recruitment stage. I used to be a band 5 nurse with sickness issues so I've had a lot of experience in dealing with OH before being recruited for a job. I never had to reveal anything to a manager directly as health issues are confidential. Occupational health would write up a report based on that appointment which judged whether I was fit for work and if not what reasonable adjustments need to be made. That report then gets passed to the manager for consideration but at no point do any of the actual details get revealed to them just the recommendations. It is then up to the manager to make a decision about the job based on the recommendations. So for example in my case I had a lot of sickness at one point because I had major surgery and was then unwell afterwards. By the time I got back to work though I was better and didn't need any adjustments so OH just declared me fit for work with no adjustments and this was accepted by the manager.

Lynz32 · 18/10/2023 16:18

Also a letter from a GP or MH professional might be needed for evidence but not always, but again this will be done directly through occupational health.

Dinoswearunderpants · 18/10/2023 16:18

No specific advice but the ones I've read are great responses.

I just wanted to send my love to you. I think you're an absolute warrior who has had far too much heartache. You deserve this job and I truly hope everything works out well for you.

All the best xx

Original poster
snoreb · 18/10/2023 16:25

Thank you for the responses. I did chat to my new manager and I did discuss the cancer because occupational health hadn't put cancer on the report they gave her. She was so kind and so understanding, I will be starting in 2 weeks. This really feels like a brand new start Smile

OP posts:
Nongatron · 18/10/2023 16:28

Wishing you all the best in your new job op. You deserve all the happiness 💐

Myhusbandearns150k · 18/10/2023 16:30

Congratulations! I hope you really enjoy your new job and have a bright future x

Steev · 18/10/2023 16:42

snoreb · 18/10/2023 16:25

Thank you for the responses. I did chat to my new manager and I did discuss the cancer because occupational health hadn't put cancer on the report they gave her. She was so kind and so understanding, I will be starting in 2 weeks. This really feels like a brand new start Smile

Congratulations, I hope it is and that you're really happy there Flowers

MontyJames · 18/10/2023 16:48

Nothing to add OP, great responses. Just came on to say good luck and hope you have a happy life going forward x

Lynz32 · 18/10/2023 16:50

snoreb · 18/10/2023 16:25

Thank you for the responses. I did chat to my new manager and I did discuss the cancer because occupational health hadn't put cancer on the report they gave her. She was so kind and so understanding, I will be starting in 2 weeks. This really feels like a brand new start Smile

Good luck OP hope it all goes well for you xx

Motnight · 18/10/2023 16:52

Good luck, Op 🎉

Jl2014 · 18/10/2023 17:06

That’s brilliant, OP. All the very best to you.

Chichix · 18/10/2023 19:35

Good luck with it all 😄 X

LadyEloise1 · 18/10/2023 19:38

Dinoswearunderpants · 18/10/2023 16:18

No specific advice but the ones I've read are great responses.

I just wanted to send my love to you. I think you're an absolute warrior who has had far too much heartache. You deserve this job and I truly hope everything works out well for you.

All the best xx

I agree with you.
OP you are some woman ⭐️

Britneyfan · 18/10/2023 23:52

@snoreb I’m so pleased for you! Great outcome next thanks for updating us!

I just wanted to say that other people are right you don’t HAVE to disclose any of it other than to occ health, but sometimes if you’re comfortable explaining it can remove some potential concerns or reservations on the part of the manager and lead to a better working relationship in a situation like this where you’ve genuinely faced a string of what anyone would understand are significant challenges.

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