To not want my boyfriend to move in yet?

Flyonthewall01 · 2023-10-17T21:00:47+00:00

Me and my partner (aged 31 and 30) have been together coming up to a year. Neither of us have children and I own my house. The house is plenty big enough for him to move in and when he’s not working shifts he’s here for a number of days in a row but we haven’t taken the plunge to actually live together and I’m not sure I want to yet? Is this weird? I love him very much and see a future with him inc living together, marriage, family, etc but I’m unsure of when we should do this? Am I being unreasonable to not want this yet? when did you move in with your partner?

IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength · 17/10/2023 22:07

It sounds pretty good what you have going on now, what's the rush ? Relationships can become stale and boring when your living under one roof twenty four seven. Once children arrive it can be come a competion as to who is doing what and resentment can set in. Enjoy what you have right now and see what unfolds.

Ragwort · 17/10/2023 22:08

Don't just drift into living together just because it's the easy option ... it's still relatively early days but make sure you both agree a timescale and if you want marriage and children make sure he is as committed as you are. And think carefully about how / if you share your assets.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/10/2023 22:09

A year isn't long enough tbh, is he pushing to move in?

Original poster

Flyonthewall01 · 17/10/2023 22:11

Ragwort · 17/10/2023 22:08

Don't just drift into living together just because it's the easy option ... it's still relatively early days but make sure you both agree a timescale and if you want marriage and children make sure he is as committed as you are. And think carefully about how / if you share your assets.

Yes we are both on the same page in future respects. The asset share thing is something that I’ve been thinking about though but wouldn’t be an issue unless we got married so living together wouldn’t impact that.

OP posts:

Pherian · 17/10/2023 22:11

We moved in together after five months. I kept my house for a year after just to be sure.

He worked shifts at the time and also does on-call work which requires him to be in a certain radius to respond. So naturally we were always at what is now our home together.

I work from home and could at the time work from anywhere.

The nature of his shift work meant he slept at his work two nights as he worked those nights and then he worked two days. He was a single dad and I think being in a house alone when his kids weren't there was really hard on him. He would show up at my house after he got off his shift and ask me if I wanted to come stay at his house for the four days he was off work. Then he would want to stay at mine for the four days he did work.

It just felt right. Love him to bits. He drives me nuts sometimes but I wouldn't be without him.

If you're not ready yet, it's ok. If you guys are discussing the possibility perhaps suggest a trial period of two weeks and if you're happy, two more weeks. Then you could try a month. Work out how you want to handle it if you're still not ready after that.

If you feel like you're being pressured to do something you aren't ready for and flat out don't want to do though, then don't budge. Your home is your sanctuary and getting someone out who doesn't want to leave is a real pain.

Original poster

Flyonthewall01 · 17/10/2023 22:13

TomatoSandwiches · 17/10/2023 22:09

A year isn't long enough tbh, is he pushing to move in?

No not at all. It was more from my side when is too soon or too long.
think IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength is right though. Why rush something that’s currently working

OP posts:

Original poster

Flyonthewall01 · 17/10/2023 22:18

Pherian · 17/10/2023 22:11

We moved in together after five months. I kept my house for a year after just to be sure.

He worked shifts at the time and also does on-call work which requires him to be in a certain radius to respond. So naturally we were always at what is now our home together.

I work from home and could at the time work from anywhere.

The nature of his shift work meant he slept at his work two nights as he worked those nights and then he worked two days. He was a single dad and I think being in a house alone when his kids weren't there was really hard on him. He would show up at my house after he got off his shift and ask me if I wanted to come stay at his house for the four days he was off work. Then he would want to stay at mine for the four days he did work.

It just felt right. Love him to bits. He drives me nuts sometimes but I wouldn't be without him.

If you're not ready yet, it's ok. If you guys are discussing the possibility perhaps suggest a trial period of two weeks and if you're happy, two more weeks. Then you could try a month. Work out how you want to handle it if you're still not ready after that.

If you feel like you're being pressured to do something you aren't ready for and flat out don't want to do though, then don't budge. Your home is your sanctuary and getting someone out who doesn't want to leave is a real pain.

Thank you this is really helpful. He isn’t pressuring this at all and hasn’t brought it up. It’s me just overthinking it.

I think the issue with his shift work is that the way the pattern falls with overtime it could be over a week before we see eachother and because I work from home mon-fri we technically see eachother but not really. Not an issue just trying to get the feelers out for what works for other people

OP posts:

spookehtooth · 17/10/2023 22:19

Absolutely fine as you are for reasons other said. If/when you do decide to share a house, better to do it for a reason, a purpose it serves you or both of you. Nothing is worth doing "because you feel its expected", either by him or any sense of "social expectations"

ToadOnTheHill · 17/10/2023 23:33

5 months. But we were young and asset free and not anywhere near thinking about kids. It was low stakes.

In my 30s I wouldn't move in without a proposal, a promise of kids shortly after and legally drafted, signed financial protection.

30s are your fertile years and marriage usually protects your rights to future acquired assets. I wouldnt want to waste 3 years and be starting over nearing mid thirties if I wanted kids, the panic of not having kids with a good man would panic me. But everyone is different, you might not be worried about kids xx