Toddler Langauge and Behaviour

[Cakeandcookies]

Evening all, I've come here looking for some support and any advice or guidance as I'm very worried about my LO and after a day from hell of being kicked, scratched, spat on and sworn at I've finally caved and hoping mumsnetters might have some advice. I would like to add we are not saints but DO NOT swear at home neither do family (bugger is the most you'll get!)

Background LO is 3.5. A year ago his little DB was born. I was in hospital for over 12 weeks (septic nearly didn't make it and am still under the hospital now for a whole host of issues due to the infection). He nearly lost his Mum and I feel my beautiful, polite, caring, sweet little man is gone.. forever. And the guilt is awful.

He spent more time at his private nursery due to me being so unwell and started saying F off and kicking telling my Mum and DP that child X was doing this to him. Nursery confirmed it. We explained it wasn't very nice, no thank you, ignored him. It lessened then the spitting started, then the throwing food and finally the physical all in short bursts. We moved to a school nursery, settled well but as he is quiet & even though he has friends a child pushed him over a chair last week bruising his face and cutting his lip open (not the first offence). Other children have been targeted too. Since this its got 10 x worse towards me and little DB. We try to remain calm, remove him from danger, say no thank you and ignore it/ move away. He becomes manic like the joker laughing in your face trying to climb onto the table. New word calling everyone a bag. I just don't know what to do. I know the threenager years are testing but this is on a whole other level. I work in education and none of my training is working. We even looked into play therapy for him incase he is harbouring something from me not being around. We've reached out to local HV/pediatric team and still nothing.
Any advice? Not looking to be flamed just genuinely so worried about my LIlO and can't sleep at night!

Are the children in creche hitting him? Or is he hitting them?

Play therapy sounds like a good plan

Sorry during my hospital stint and now children hurting him. He is bruised. Both settings said he is really good and doesn't retaliate. I just don't feel we can move him again (he has only been at the new place 5 weeks).

I get you don't want to move him but can you keep him home? Lots of love and family time? Back to nursery after Christmas or Easter?

We did think about it but as it is a school nursery they won't allow us that break and will give his place away :( very difficult.

Poor DS. Do you mean he would lose his reception spot at that school or just his nursery place? Either way do you really want him going somewhere where he gets bullied?

He's already had such a tough time, and it just sounds like layers of trauma now, I would have him at home and get him some play therapy ASAP.

He's so little and he's been through a traumatic time. Do everything you can to keep him home and pour time and love into him. Even if that means giving up work and taking a financial hit.

If you can afford private therapy I'd do that. He's clearly struggling bless him.

How's his development in other ways? Everything on track? It might be a combo of the traumatic separation (nothing you could do about this and thank goodness you pulled through) which has then built up into stress related behaviour which then triggers him getting into trouble which can trigger more stress behaviour in a vicious cycle, child then sees themselves in this "bad" role/persona and doesn't know how to come out of it, also if he's been relying on lashing out etc every time he experiences anything even slightly stressful, he hasn't been learning the more healthy coping strategies that other children have been learning.

But you might also have something else in the background eg neurodiversity?

It does seem like the trauma would be the obvious clue but 3.5 is also a typically very difficult age when there are ND issues.

But yes I'd look at private child psychologist/play therapy, if that's an option at all. And if it's not an option then keep pushing for the NHS route for these perhaps emphasising that you want to help him change these behaviours before he starts school and they get in the way of his education.