Most men or just my DP?

[Desupi]

Bit of a rant, but why do a lot of men need constant reminding/babying/hand holding?

I go to bed much earlier than DP. For the last year as I am lying in bed I have sent him a 'remember to take the dog out' message. All he has to do is let the dog out of the back door to let her wee before bed, nothing major. Occasionally I go downstairs for a glass of water etc, and let her out. At which point I will specifically tell him that the dog has already been out.

A couple of days ago I explained to him that I would like to release the mental burdon on myself by having to remember to tell him to take her out, and wanted to have an agreement where he would just do it without me asking, he agreed.

Fast forward to last night, he gets into bed and I wake up. My spidy sense tells me he hasn't let the dog out, so i ask if he has, to be met with "for god sake!". I will admit the dog is a big lump and sometimes needs to be dragged to the back door, but still. I am the one who wakes up in the middle of the night every time when the dog has to go to the toilet, if she hasnt been hours earlier, and to be honest I feel like that is the worse end of the deal because by the time I have been downstairs at 2-4am i struggle to get to sleep again.

DP manages to keep his senior level job without being constantly told what to do, so why can't he do this?

Currently pregnant with our first baby and not feeling hopefull about having a 50/50 split with the workload....

Stick to your guns, make him get out of bed every time he gets in without letting the dog out. He will quickly start remembering. Also make sure he knows you expect him to pull his weight with baby from the off. Do not position yourself as the main parent in the early days as tempting as it is (because the baby is an extension of you) it's important particularly to give baby and dad time together without you there so that he can get to know what he's doing and make mistakes and so on. So go for a nap and don't get up and intervene if you hear crying. Yes you might know better how to stop it but your DP will never learn if you don't give him space.

He might still choose to be lazy after that but at least he won't be lazy AND useless.

Agree with PP, consider some defined roles when the baby is born. DP always did bedtime in the week which meant he had to learn from his mistakes (forgetting to bring a towel to the bathroom etc) and I didn't get involved. Similarly if bottle feeding have set nights he gets up. Also agreeing who gets a lie in on what days on the weekend. I'm not saying you shouldn't support each other when needed, but defined jobs mean you're less likely to step in or be asked to step in and it's less ambiguous who is doing what.

He doesn't do it because it isn't important to him. Why does he want a baby if he can't even let the dog out for a wee?

Stop enabling him. If he forgets, he gets up.

I read your post thinking my response was going to be 'whatever you do, don't have a baby with this useless man.' Amd then I got to the last paragraph.
In answer to your question, it's not all men, it is all the useless thoughtless selfish ones, yes there's a lot of those.

Just echoing what PPs have said. He needs to take responsibility for the dog and he'll need to do the same with the baby.
Don't let him use 'forgot' as an excuse. As you say, he manages to hold down a reasonable job.

Not all men; but if he can’t cope with the dog then he’s not going to be at all helpful with a baby

Yeah if he feels a dog being denied the toilet is fine, I doubt keeping a baby in a clean enough nappy will be a huge priority. If he ‘forgets’ and the dog needs a wee in the night, wake him up so he has to take the dog out.

Whatever the effort make him get up and let the dog out in the night if he forgets to do it before bedtime. Like you said he holds down a responsible job so his neglect of your pets needs is pure laziness rather than incompetence.

Now you are aware that he's capable of being so lazy and neglecting his responsibilities you need to make sure you start as you mean to go on with the baby. Hand responsibility over to him and do not bail him out when he "forgets". It's shit that a fully grown adult needs to be trained to behave responsibly but some short term pain for you could save you years of being the default adult in the household. Do not enable his lazy arse.

I have 2 dogs that I had before I met my partner but now he lives with me he shares all their care, walking, toilet trips etc 50/50. If they wake up in the night we take turns, and if he doesn’t wake from then scratching the door I wake him up if it’s his turn and he does it. Stop doing everything for this useless lazy twat and tell - don’t ask - him to do his fair share and let the dog out. Or if he refuses he can deal with the 2am wake.

No, no man that I know is like this. He sounds useless, this won’t change when you have a baby. Don’t normalise his behaviour for the next generation.

Get him to set an alarm on his phone for 20 minutes before he normally comes up. Name it Let dog out.

My daily routines are controlled by alarms.

@Desupi

It's not just your DP. I find many men are essentially selfish beings. A woman would be troubled by the dog's discomfort and (like you) unable to sleep. Men in my experience don't have those innate caring instincts and are able to put themselves first without much guilt. I really would ask him outright how he is going to handle being a father if he can't do one simple thing for the poor dog. I expect his reply will be "but that's different". Well yeah, it's different all right - it's a lifetime of commitment and responsibility. Lay it on the line.

I mean I’m sure it’s more men than just your DP but my husband is certainly not like this. Our relationship would not have got very far if he was.

OP I'm glad you are addressing these issues now and not when stressed or overwhelmed with lack of support after baby. I agree with others, defined roles / times works. In return you have to allow him screw up once in a while, there are many women who say their DH is useless and then kick off cos he chooses an outfit combo they don't like. When you are 'off the clock' you have to step back.

Sadly I think most DHs need to be trained, especially when it comes to parenting. It's not much different to having a teenager. Learning by natural consequences is the only way, a partner constantly reminding or correcting will never work. Let him forget to have the wipes ready and get covered in sh*t, or forget the blanket and have to turn back to get it.

If he holds down a good job he will be fine. Don't tolerate the faux incompetence that so many men develop as soon as baby arrives.

It's not men, it's your DP, and he's not forgetting. He's not doing it because he can't be arsed to do it and he thinks you'll pick up the slack.

Stop picking up the slack. If the dog wakes you up, wake him up.

I am the one who wakes up in the middle of the night every time when the dog has to go to the toilet, if she hasnt been hours earlier

And this is always the problem with all of these threads.

If there's no consequence for him not letting the dog out, he'll never remember, so wake him up and tell him to do it.