Never see parents individually

[Themostimportantpart]

My DHs parents frequently visit. They live about 20 mins drive away.
They only ever visit together, both can drive, if one is busy neither will come. Visits are like family meetings and there’s no close family feeling as it feels like we haven’t had a chance to get to know each other.

DH and I both spent time individually with our children. We don’t feel the need to do everything as a pair.

AIBU to think it’s odd for even DH to have never 1-1 time with either of his parents?

What..? Presumably your DH is a grown man, while your DCs are children/young adults at most? It's a lot different. It's also not unusual for older couples when they retire to start doing a lot more together and lose a bit of confidence doing things alone. I hardly see my parents one on one, ditto DH.

I don't think it's odd, my parents always used to come together or not at all. Even if my dad was doing some DIY for me or similar, my mum would still come with him and sit and have a cup of tea and a chat whilst he worked!

I think it’s normal tbh. If one is busy then the other won’t want to come because the busy one will be missing out! If I was arranging to go and see my parents, I would also make sure it’s at a time when they’re both free.

Not sure why this means you can’t get to know them properly?

What?? No that’s not odd. I would say perfectly normal.

Not odd in the slightest, why do you think it is?

I think it’s odd that you think it’s odd. Perfectly reasonable for a married couple to always visit family as a couple. I’ve been with my DH 16 years his parents live about an hour away. Never have we met one on their own. My parents are much nearer so one would pop in and we’d bump in to one of them out and about. But again, they’re retired and in their 70s and 80s and do everything together. If I’d told my Mum that I want some one on one time with my Dad, she’d think it was v strange.

Maybe because I only have my mum I see it from a different perspective. We go shopping, for lunch or coffee just the two of us and we’re close.
DHs parents have always come as a pair since I’ve known him, over 25 years. Even when DH calls they are together on speakerphone.

I’m now in my early 50’s. I don’t ever remember having 1-2-1 time with my parents (and speaking to peers, this was the norm).

Parent - Child - 1-2-1 time is more the norm now (but IMO I more recent thing).

It’s not odd at all. It’s a generational thing. Many older couples do very little independently.

Depends on what you’re used to . Like you op I’m from a single parent family, and the idea of only doing things as a couple gives me claustrophobia. But I guess it just illustrates that other people are more patient/ tolerant than me.

And yes, the closeness of lunch with your mum can’t be recreated when both are there, but some People work hard to avoid intimacy and closeness, so maybe that’sa bit of that in there too.

I think it's just cultural.

Has your dad ever been in your life?

Since they live so close by and both separately drive, then I do think it's slightly odd that over time, you haven't had either 1:1 time with either of them or just that one of them has shown up or attended something without the other.

I guess the question is: even if it's 'odd' or something's a bit off kilter, then what are you going to do about it? You could casually raise your observation during a group discussion and see what everyone involved feeds back but you may have to be prepared that they all say 'huh?, nope it's nothing' and then drop it.

Or you could do experiments and put your thoughts to the test by seeing if just one person wants to do something but would you really want to go down this route of playing detective?

I would think it was just their thing but wouldn’t say anything and DH has one on one time with both parents as well. Both from two parent homes and we are from different countries. Our parents are both over 60.

Both DH and I’s parents will talk to us separately or together over Facebook Messenger and WhatsApp. Both of my parents work and can have conflicting schedules so it would be silly to wait until they’re together to talk and DH’s parents are retired but his dad does odd jobs and his mum has her own social life and both watch our niece and nephew so also would be silly to wait for them to be together to call.

I used to see and speak to my mum more often but that's because my dad is antisocial and would rather watch sports than pop around and chat. Now they're in another country I always see them together.

On DH's side we always see his Dad and his wife together (DH's mum died years ago and he has since remarried). We don't find it odd. They're in their 60s and haven't lost any confidence doing things. They just enjoy doing things together and we like seeing them both. Occasionally DH visits them alone if he's in the area but otherwise we go together as well.

Not odd at all, it's rare I see just one parent, typically because I've sweet talked dad into helping me with home improvements

I always saw my parents together. I can’t imagine one coming to visit and the other choosing to stay home and miss out on all the fun.

My DH doesn't go anywhere on his own. He stopped working 15 years ago due to ill health and has now officially retired and I think he has just lost confidence. I however am quite happy to go anywhere on my own. Relish it in fact and I go to my dd for tea once a week, she is currently single so that may change if she gets a partner.

I tend to only have 121 time with my mum. We’ll go for coffee or shopping etc but when I see my dad it’s always with my mum. But that’s only because the idea of shopping makes my dad wince.
But I’d still go to my mums if she wasn’t home and only dad in.
I think it’s quite a traditional thing where some couples do everything together, my grandparents were similar and a lot of my friends parents are the same.

I’m really surprised that it’s so normal. Most of my friends have a least a little 1-1 time with their parents.

Perhaps more of the issue is that we just sit in one room together having stilted superficial conversations. We don’t actually do anything like cooking, gardening or DIY together.

I agree that it's odd OP. My in-laws are like this too, they do everything together and we only ever see them as a unit. I often see my own parents separately and I think it helps me have a stronger relationship with each of them.

Mine don't relate to me separately but I'm with you, @Themostimportantpart, it's odd and defo not related to missing out on fun

I do know some couples like that

But it's not for us. We see our kids together and separately. Ditto the grandchildren. I don't think we're that unusual - my friends do the same

I never see my parents separately, or my PiL

I don't think you're weird OP! I often went to lunch with just my mum when she was still alive, and I'm pretty sure my brother did too. My dad was a shit though.

I generally find it really annoying when any couple are joined at the hip - there's always one you have a closer connection to and it's very different speaking one on one. kxx

Does your DH never go for a pint with his dad or round of golf or the footie?
Do they not have their own friends, there are some couples who. ever do anything without each other and I agree it's odd.