Epiphany re weight loss mentality?!

[Pinkycloud]

Ok, this is not just about weight loss but… I’ve realised that for my whole adult life I’ve done this thing where I, say, book the fancy (or not fancy) holiday for months in advance and go, ‘great, I’ll lose 4 stone by then!’. It never happens. Never. But I do it/say it every single time. I then go on holiday heavier or, at best, the same as when I booked it and then usually spend the whole holiday feeling a bit miserable and ALREADY looking towards the next holiday when OF COURSE I’ll be 4 stone lighter. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Now I can feel this mentality seeping into my career plans too! I have a great job but I tell myself I will apply for something else - somewhere else, of course - where I will emerge as this size 10, shit hot business woman.

It’s weird. It’s a bit like the carrot and stick approach I suppose. And I know you don’t need to lose weight/be a certain weight to be happy but I am 5+ stone overweight and my hatred of how I look effects most aspect of my life, not least my physical and mental health.

So I think I need to abandon the carrot approach that clearly doesn’t work for me, and pick up the stick. Book the damn holiday WHEN I have lost the weight; see how I feel about my job and career when I’m happy in my own skin.

What do you think?

It's good to recognize that it doesn't work - doesn't for me either.

4/5 stone feels overwhelming to me. Could you break it down into smaller goals?

Personally the only way I've ever lost weight is to deprioritise food in my mind, by being very busy or occupied with something else (where I can't eat at the same time!), and be mindful when I DO eat.

I think uncoupling it from holidays and jobs entirely is the way to go. Don't wait to book a holiday until you're thin enough, just accept that you'll be whatever weight you are then, because you'll beat yourself up if you end up feeling like you can't book a holiday because you're still 'too fat'. In the meantime, just aim to lose weight just because you want to in general.

I don't think there's a magic solution, unfortunately. I have lost 6 stone recently and my main tip was not to have cheat days each week, that was too much for me. I had a cheat 4 days around my period. And I also figured out that if I keep on track through ovulation, my weight will plateau but once I've ovulated, there'll be a sudden drop. I think previously I've sometimes kind of given up when these plateaus happen.

And definitely break it down into smaller chunks, like Garlicnaan says. Maybe aim for a stone then spend a week or two maintaining before losing the next one? Just to have a breather. But by maintaining, I mean still calorie counting, just eating at maintenance rather than in deficit. Otherwise it's too tempting to binge and put it back on. Been there many times!

I think it could break the cycle.

You need to look at why you didn't stick to your weight loss plans before and try something different there too. So if you went on some extreme reduced calorie/food groups plan that are virtually impossible to stick to then you need to look at something more sustainable. And I think you need to accept that you aren't going to lose and keep off 5 stone in a short time, it has to be a long term goal that changes your relationship to food.

Yes to breaking the cycle. No to not booking the holiday until you've lost weight.

Because a sustainable weight loss plan involves being able to maintain sensible boundaries without a goal in mind. It involves baking activity and healthy choices into your life to the point that you wouldn't choose differently.

I got into such a kick of a routine with exercise that I would be waking up first to go for a run whilst my husband slept in, or slotting in 20m in the gym before going for a shower before dinner. I lost 3lb on my honeymoon, and didn't even feel like I was trying - and I wasn't. I just was that used to exercise and healthy eating.

My epiphany came when I realised I’d still hate myself if I was slim. So I learned to love myself (work in progress). I’m still not thin but now I don’t (usually) care. I do get plenty of exercise and eat well, and I do that because I feel worth it.

I voted YABU because you deserve a holiday/ new job regardless of your weight. So yes to uncoupling the weight and reward but no to postponing your life 💖

I think you need to read Fat is a Feninist issue - it helped me enormously when I was struggling (and no it doesn't tell you that good feminists should be fat)

Sorry, but it sounds like it's exactly the same mindset to the one that's not currently working.
Its just repackaged with no holidays & an unsatisfying career.

I think the attitude needs to change completely away from 'I diet for my holiday on 26 June' to 'I am a healthy person who makes good choices everyday'.

Hands up, it's so hard to change your mindset.
But IME being overweight was so much harder.

I think you should read Atomic Habits by James Clear, because the problem isn't stick or carrot. It's hare vs tortoise.

You're setting yourself up to fail by expecting big results in a short time frame, and without putting in place small daily habits that will actually get you there (albeit in a longer timeframe than you might like). Be a tortoise and go for steady, consistent progress that compounds over time.

Where you are going wrong is planning to lose weight for an event. You should lose weight for your health and you should enjoy yourself on a holiday no matter what you look like. Surely, holidays are for relaxation not for showing off how slim (or not) you are to people on a beach who have never seen you before and will never see you again and have no concept of whether you lost or gained weight (nor do they care).
Same goes for slimming for a wedding/birthday/friends get-together. Just buy a damn dress that fits!
You say you have a great job, so why do you even want to look for something else? All of this seems motivated by external validation and not a genuine concern for yourself, your health or longevity. It's hard to make progress when you are in this mindset. You may find that you feel just as crappy about yourself when you are size 10.
Weight loss is a series of small habit changes that can be sustained for a long period of time. And it is completely independent of your level of happiness or career prospects.

I don't think you should punish yourself. You haven't done anything wrong.

Maybe just find a type of exercise you enjoy, or find a way to make it fun? Music often helps.