Normal siblings?

[Crispautumn]

Two boys, 8 and 5. Eldest has ADHD, youngest suspected ND but masks at school so difficult to know what’s what at the moment. He is a highly sensitive child for sure.

When they’re playing, they play fine. It doesn’t last long, and it’s very, very rare that it’s ever resolved without parental input. DS1 is an awful teaser and wind up. DS2 has zero tolerance to even gentle teasing/manhandling and screeches, shouts, screams. He is the same if DS1 races past him when out and about, on foot, scooter or bike. Hates it, always wants things his way. Hence why them getting along never lasts long.

They do seem to get along ok in brand new environments where there’s novelty.

Does this sound familiar for all siblings, or is it more likely it’s because at least one of them is ND?

Sounds exactly like my eldest boys. 10 & 6
10yo winds 6yo up something chronic. They CAN play nicely, but it takes one small thing to set either of them off and it’s not resolved unless I, or their step dad steps in!

Thanks @Sauvblanctime . So tricky, constantly weathering the storms!

Always 🤣 sometimes they’re so lovely together and sometimes I want to poke my own eyes out 🤣

What's ds1 doing in his 'awful teasing and wind ups' and is there consequences for it I'd you and he knows ds2 is upset by it?
When he's rushing past, is he doing it in the 'not touching can't get mad' boundary pushing?

Me and my sister are in our 30s. She has always known how to wind me up and still does it to this day.

But if you dare try to make a joke at her expense she will scream and shout and cry.

It's a personality thing.

I'm on the fence. It doesn't need to be "all" families to be normal. It's not how mine operate (one autistic, one we're not sure) but that doesn't make it not normal.

However in our family we were pretty much zero tolerance with teasing at this age. One GP used to do it mercilessly and our youngest (autistic) couldn't handle it at all. We got the GP to back off completely. Now children are a few years older he can take it a bit and will tease GP back too, but he just didn't have the skills and understanding to cope with it when he was little so it just felt plain unkind. I know siblings isn't the same as GPs and people will say they'll learn by going through it, but I don't think that would have worked in our family - he was just too upset and bewildered.

Lots of clashing here.

It took my kids a long time to understand why I kept telling them not to dish out words that they can't take.

Do you punish ds1 for his awful teasing and windups ? How awful is it? Also is ds1 using his physical size when he does stuff like race past ds2? I spent a lot of time drumming into my dc1 that using physical size to establish dominance over someone smaller isn't ok and actually quite sad.

It's hard to play with a sibling who is easily upset but part of the sibling relationship is that you know the exact things to do and say to piss them off.

Sounds completely normal to me.

I use to babysit a lot of siblings and one would always wind up the other(s) especially if they were close in age. The funny thing most soon learnt to do it behind their parents backs, but did it right in front of me thinking they wouldn't get told off....

Anyway my DD started fighting/arguing with her half-sibling at about 20 months. Then I noticed some of her nursery and childminder friends were the same with their sibling(s)..

DS1 is on his second day of screen ban because of the racing past DS2 on scooters on the way to school! Yes he lords over the fact that he’s bigger and therefore faster. DS1 also has DCD so probably enjoys being first for once. However I don’t think he should have to let DS2 win all the time! Either way, I had warned him about the teasing so yes, second day of screen ban lucky me. Consequences generally are losing screens because that’s what he cares about. If we are at home then he is sent to his room.

DS2 is also no angel and if DS1 is upset he will often laugh! Whereas to give credit to DS1, if DS2 is upset because of something external, he’s the first to try and make him laugh to cheer him up.

The teasing will be anything. DS2 is stroppy so is very very easy to tease. And DS1 gets a kick out of it.

@Piony I wouldn’t tolerate it from an adult (assuming GP = grandparent?) but an 8 year old boy with no impulse control it’s much harder to control. He might as well live in his bedroom.

My two are both ND and trigger the shit out of each other

I’m nd, and I see traits in my boys as well so when it’s bad we all bounce off each other 🙄
eldest knows exactly how do wind up middle, middle knows exactly how to wind up eldest, they both know how to wind me up 🤣
eldest talks to middle (and me) like shit so gets phone / PlayStation ban, middle provokes eldest by ‘sitting next to him’ sometimes 🙄 so gets screen bans as well

they both have the ‘thinking step’ until they calm down, I have the thinking wine until I calm down 🤣🤣

it’s hard, but talking in a reasonable voice, giving them time out to chill, limiting screens and getting them to do crafty things helps mine.

DS1 in floods of tears this afternoon about the screen ban for racing past DS2 on his scooter “because I was just trying to get him to race me!”. He was genuinely upset and kept saying he was just playing, so I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt mug but stressed that to me, it looked like teasing and I don’t want to see it again. We’ll see! I may have just been played by an 8 year old.