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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

feel unsupported by my friends

15 replies

supersleuth23 · 17/10/2023 09:52

i feel like i am moaning but i just cant shake the feeling my friends have chosen sides....

back story is my partner is going through court for his child atm, there is accusations of abuse from her side which the courts has dismissed and she is yet to prove, but his ex and i have some of the same friends... i wasn't aware there was such a cross over but it was mentioned in court from her side.

i have a small group of 3 friends and over the last year ive noticed that 2 of these friends have been less active in our social circle and more so with the ex at social events, weddings and on social media, commenting on her lovely family with her new guy and her & my partners child.

i have tried to distance myself but its really upset me, i miss their company but i am scared that if i confide in them about the case they will repeat it to the ex or shut me down and say they don't want to get involved.

am i being stupid and moany for expecting a bit more support?

OP posts:

ilovelamp82 · 17/10/2023 09:56

If he was abusive, I think it would be natural for them to gravitate more towards her to be honest.

poetryandwine · 17/10/2023 10:00

Sadly OP I think you are right. It is a horrible situation. Your friends will feel they have nothing to gain by taking sides, and the ex may have even convinced them of your partner’s guilt.

As a matter of interest, have any of these friends been through anything similar? Sometimes the courts get it wrong and sometimes when they don’t women feel hard done by. Rightly or wrongly, is it possible that these friends empathise with the ex?

NeedToChangeName · 17/10/2023 10:02

I'm not quite sure what you want the friends to do

most likely, they don't want to get involved or take sides

And, allegations of abuse may or may not be true, but if the friends believe your DP was abusive, then it's understandable if they prefer to support his ex

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2023 10:03

i am scared that if i confide in them about the case they will repeat it to the ex or shut me down and say they don't want to get involved.

First of all, you'd be foolish to confide in these people about the case because they would probably go running right back to your partner's ex with an ear full.

Secondly, of course they don't want to get into the middle of all this. You wouldn't, either.

Third, sometimes friendships end. Just the way it is.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2023 10:05

To add... Maybe these people know things about your partner that you don't.

I hope your eyes are wide open.

Original poster

supersleuth23 · 17/10/2023 10:08

None of them have been through anything similar but we have been friends for years, and when we do all get together they are all fine with my partner and they cant believe that we are having to go through it all.

i can say that the abuse isn't true, but it really isn't, the ex has been caught lying and using her child to create hurt and her own solicitor has now dropped her as a client and he said he cant help her anymore after loosing the hearings so far.

i really dont know what i expect, tbh. i am of the opinion if you dont want to get involved then dont but there is a clear social media presence.

OP posts:

JMSA · 17/10/2023 10:08

OP, how long have you been seeing him for?
This is a heck of a thing to be entangled in, and I hope he's worth it.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 17/10/2023 10:10

I think it's understandable that you're upset but there's no point 'moaning' to them, they've chosen their side and I don't think they're likely to change their mind because you have a go at them. For whatever reason they either believe she is right or they just prefer her company - sorry OP, it's not nice but I would gracefully retreat and focus on your other friend and possible new friendships.

Original poster

supersleuth23 · 17/10/2023 10:11

we have been together a while, coming up to 3 years now and we knew each other for about 4 years previously. im late 30s now and been through my own crappy relationships in the past to know who he is.

i was always of the opinion that there must be some truth in abuse claims but over the years ive witnessed it all first had from the ex and she is just rotten.

OP posts:

KilgoreTrouts · 17/10/2023 10:14

What strikes me is that these aren’t particularly close friends if you only discovered in court that you and your partner’s ex share friends, and the distance you’re perceiving seems to be larger social events or on SM? Are these not friends you see regularly one on one?

WhateverMate · 17/10/2023 10:15

Were you ever friends with his ex in the past?

Original poster

supersleuth23 · 17/10/2023 10:21

no, i vaguely knew of her but only because we live locally. i knew about the mutual friends before court but she made a point of it which i was surprised about because it isn't even relevant to the case.

i am in a group chat and we see each other a few times month but keep in touch regularly about our hobbies etc

i think everyone is right about what i expect, if they prefer spending time with her then thats fine, not alot i can do but i will have to distance myself because i feel i cant be myself around them with the worry they will repeat stuff.

i have a couple of meals out and xmas stuff planned with them so not sure what i am going to do.

OP posts:

ClarkGablesMoustache · 17/10/2023 10:38

Put yourself in their shoes, OP.

A friend splits up with her partner and says he was abusive, she doesn’t want the children to be with him. She isn’t successful in court (few are) but she still maintains she experienced abuse.

Later on, another friend starts dating the same guy and says the first friend is a shit-stirring liar.

On the balance of probabilities, where would your expectations lie? I would try not get involved but if I had to, I’d err on the side of the first one.

Coffeerum · 17/10/2023 10:40

It sounds like there is more truth to the ex's viewpoint than you want to recognise. Friends distancing themselves from your partner and by association, you, are proof of this.

"she is yet to prove"

Hmm. Interesting comment OP.

thecatsthecats · 17/10/2023 11:18

ClarkGablesMoustache · 17/10/2023 10:38

Put yourself in their shoes, OP.

A friend splits up with her partner and says he was abusive, she doesn’t want the children to be with him. She isn’t successful in court (few are) but she still maintains she experienced abuse.

Later on, another friend starts dating the same guy and says the first friend is a shit-stirring liar.

On the balance of probabilities, where would your expectations lie? I would try not get involved but if I had to, I’d err on the side of the first one.

I'd add that someone who has a track record of being in "shit relationships" is unlikely to have picked well this time either.

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