To be wary of overnights w DD’s dad??

[Newmama2222]

Hi everyone,

My DD is currently 15 months and lives with me full time. Her dad (my ex) left when she was 7/8 months after having to deal with his DV since the pregnancy. He was rarely around in her early months as he was always working or away. He claimed he “has a life” and therefore refused to help me with our DD at all beyond token visits on a Saturday when we separated.

As he was not paying child maintenance I put the CMS application in a few months ago and the payment plan has now been agreed. As soon as he received the notification he said he wants her overnight (she was 13-14 months) and won’t admit it but it’s clearly to bring the money down. I said I felt it was too soon but ended up obliging and agreeing to one night a week as he was moaning about the length of the drive. Now he is saying he wants her two nights a week after her only staying overnight with him 3 times. I do not agree with this as my dd already seems very anxious leaving and coming back. She is also still BF and the night she comes back to me she is awake most of the night trying to BF, perhaps some sort of withdrawal from not having it for 24 hours!?

AIBU about this? Can anyone advise who has been through this whether overnights at this age is encouraged with the dad and if so how many nights? I don’t know what the courts would suggest for example. I want to do whatever is in my DD’s best interests but I’m constantly being manipulated by my ex and am not sure what to think anymore.

Any advice / suggestions / experience with this would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks all. X

If this is a dv case then let it go through the courts no way in hell I'd leave a child with someone with an unpredictable temper, she can't tell you if anything is wrong right now. My ex did this about money too tbh I just let him pay less and I kept my daughter safe from her dad

@Sprinkles211 unfortunately it’s not that simple. Family courts and DV are a very strange one and system.
if he has no record of abuse towards child he could end up with with 50/50 in court.
if there is no evidence like reports of DV she can then be seen as alienating the father.

Let him pay less money. Your priority is protecting your child and your gutt is telling you something

Two nights is too much for a child that does not know her father and is currently breastfeeding.

I would stop overnight stays until she's older in primary school.

Id have thought that being ebf means she can't do overnights til she's not breastfeeding anymore

Thanks all. Does anyone know what the courts would say if my DD is still BF? Obviously being 15 months she’s having solids so isn’t EBF but when I tell him 2 nights is too much he keeps arguing the courts would give him 50/50. I imagine when she’s older they might grant 50/50 but surely not age 15 months!? I would have thought even 1 overnight per week is a lot for this age? Any advice welcome! X

I would think that as the only milk she has is breast milk then obviously she needs to be with you at night because how is her dad going to feed her otherwise? I'd call solicitor and ask them what courts usually do in these situations because I can't really see how they could force it when some of her nourishment can only come from you

She shouldn't be doing overnights when she is bf.

Let him take you through the courts if you're determined he will pay maintenance.

If you think it will work then Offer to scrap altogether or stick to one night and agree to reduce the money

”I really don’t think DD will do well with that set up, she struggles after one night. If it makes things easier we could reduce the maintenance by X amount until she is old enough for (another) overnight”

For me that money isn’t worth it.

Also go and see a solicitor - have you got any actual evidence of the dv? They won’t take into account in family court unless there is evidence. It’s not impossible he might get 50/50 but unlikely due to age.

Either way just go and see a solicitor, don’t let him continually hold this over you like some kind of threat.

Everything about this is screaming 'don't let her stay with him' But I've not been in this position so no legal advice. I'm all for dad's seeing their children (my brother had my neice 5 nights a week, as that's what she wanted) I do agree with fathers rights.
But this man hasn't been in his daughters life much, has history of DV and it feels financially motivated. So, I'd take less money and refuse to let him have her overnight while she's still so young (and can't tell you what she wants/why she's so anxious going there) But I don't know the legality of it all. Seek legal advice ASAP.

Always remember that just because he says something doesn’t mean it’s true. He likes upsetting you. It’s his happy place. But you don’t have to join him there.

Keep strong. Put your daughters needs first. Keep a diary. If you can show everything you have done to put your daughters needs first, you will breathe more easily.

Do you have a ring doorbell? All interactions on the doorstep so it is recorded. No phonecalls. Everything via email if possible and text for emergencies only.

Please update us op