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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband ignored my birthday

23 replies

EmmaH14 · 16/10/2023 22:06

It was my birthday while I was on holiday with my husband and small children.

On the day of my birthday we all went on a day trip to Disneyland, which was a brilliant experience itself. We loved it.

The Disneyland trip was a birthday gift to my little boy just a few months before mine, but it just so happened that the dates worked us the cheapest over my birthday to go.

However I have felt hurt that my husband practically ignored that it was my birthday all day.

We got up at 7am. I fed and dressed kids by myself to leave where we were staying. At 9am (two hours later!!) he said "oh happy birthday by the way" and it was never even mentioned again the rest of the day!!

No cards or gifts, no cake, or even a happy birthday song. We came home and I made dinner by myself and puts kids to bed, while he sits and does his own thing.

At the end of the night, I asked my little boy if he knew it was my birthday and he said he had no idea.

I am always the one who makes sooo much effort for everyone else's birthday. I love spending time with my family. I'm not materialistic at all and it is NOT gifts that I wanted. I just think that it wouldn't have taken much effort to even pack a card in the suitcase and get the kids to sing happy birthday!!

YABU... You should be glad that you spent your birthday in a brilliant place with your family and not feel hurt by lack of effort by your husband.

YANBU... You are right to feel hurt that your husband practically didn't acknowledge your birthday or make any effort to celebrate your special occasion, especially when you make so much effort for everyone else.

I have told him how I feel and he says that he doesn't think that birthdays are a big deal 😟
On the other hand, I do think birthdays are a very special occasion to always be celebrated.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 16/10/2023 22:07

He didn't even tell your children?
That would really hurt me.

Whereismyjug · 16/10/2023 22:09

Obviously, YANBU. Happy birthday 🎈

Elektra1 · 16/10/2023 22:09

He's a prick and I'm sorry he made no effort, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! From one birthday lover to another. You deserve some celebration of you. Maybe something to bring up with him in a quiet moment when you're back at home - a discussion about how you felt and what you needed. It's very easy to lose yourself and your needs when you have young children. But don't let that happen.

TheCrystalPalace · 16/10/2023 22:09

He doesn't think birthdays are a big deal?
So he won't mind if you completely ignore his next one then?

xyz111 · 16/10/2023 22:12

Is he generally a horrible person? I think most people would be upset if someone who is meant to be the closest person to you, doesn't even bother.

Happy birthday!!!!!

AdoraBell · 16/10/2023 22:13

YANBU. As he thinks birthdays are not a big deal then clearly his birthday will never be a big deal. So don’t bother about his birthday.

5foot5 · 16/10/2023 22:13

I have told him how I feel and he says that he doesn't think that birthdays are a big deal

Very convenient for him to say he doesn't think they are a big deal because it gives him an excuse to do sod all for anyone else.

Does he expect to have his own birthday acknowledged? Does he similarly ignore his Mums birthday, for instance?

He should know it is a big deal for you given that you go to so much effort for others so I think he is being lazy and rather insensitive

cestlavielife · 16/10/2023 22:15

Why do you do everything ?
He assumes you do your own birthday too
Anyway it s fine do nothing for his birthday
What purpose does he serve in your life anyway?

MidnightOnceMore · 16/10/2023 22:19

Going forwards, you can organise your own birthday - which your children will pick up as they grow older - and ignore his birthday.

Sorry he did this, he's out of order.

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 16/10/2023 22:19

I would be really upset too! It’s not about gifts- but to not even get your kids to make a card or allow them to wish you a happy birthday. You don’t have to be ‘into’ birthdays to make minimal effort.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/10/2023 22:21

That’s hurtful. And confusing for your little children. I’d be clear that you were upset and expect a min level of effort - card & cake. At Disney I’d have got myself an I’m celebrating my birthday badge (free) and perhaps booked a meal where they would have sung to you.

Cherrysoup · 16/10/2023 22:26

Does he expect the big celebration for his birthday? Please don’t even mention it next time, he doesn’t deserve it. Or be more mature than me and tell him how shit he’s been.

Original poster
EmmaH14 · 16/10/2023 22:28

Thank you all. The most hurtful part was my children not even knowing, when they are my whole world 😢

It has actually been his birthday since we came home... And I made lots of effort to celebrate his as I normally do.

  1. To be the bigger person
  2. To set an example to my children that birthdays are always to be celebrated.
  3. So he can't use the excuse next year... Well you did nothing for my birthday, so I will continue doing nothing.

You're right that it is not gifts I wanted, just effort and love.

OP posts:
ToWhitToWhoo · 16/10/2023 22:40

Does he expect his birthday to be celebrated? If he doesn't regard birthdays as a big deal, then it should be fine for you to ignore, or just minimally acknowledge, his in the future.

Even if he's not into birthdays, if he knows that your birthday is important to you, it's thoughtless for him to ignore it. Personally, I hate my birthday, wish it to be forgotten, and, though generally opposed to capital punishment, would feel tempted to make an exception for anyone who reminds me of my birthday! But if I know that birthday acknowledgements and gifts are important to someone else, especially a loved one, I make an effort to follow their wishes.

But also: you should not 'always the one who makes sooo much effort for everyone else's birthday'. With children, OK; but otherwise you should not place yourself in the position of always being the celebration-organizer for everyone else (same goes for Christmas, etc.), just because you have two X chromosomes, These things should involve mutual give-and-take, Tone down these demands on yourself. If others do think it important to have big celebrations of their birthdays, this might be a wake-up call for them to reciprocate more. If they don't, at least you won't be running yourself ragged for little return, and won't be feeling resentful or disappointed.

Nanny0gg · 16/10/2023 22:45

EmmaH14 · 16/10/2023 22:28

Thank you all. The most hurtful part was my children not even knowing, when they are my whole world 😢

It has actually been his birthday since we came home... And I made lots of effort to celebrate his as I normally do.

  1. To be the bigger person
  2. To set an example to my children that birthdays are always to be celebrated.
  3. So he can't use the excuse next year... Well you did nothing for my birthday, so I will continue doing nothing.

You're right that it is not gifts I wanted, just effort and love.

And what is his reaction to all your effort?

Because you're definitely a bigger person than me!

wildwestpioneer · 16/10/2023 22:48

I'd make absolutely zero effort for him going forward for Father's Day, birthdays and even Xmas. I'd make sure I made a bug effort for the dc, but h could go fuck himself

LightSpeeds · 16/10/2023 22:52

wildwestpioneer · 16/10/2023 22:48

I'd make absolutely zero effort for him going forward for Father's Day, birthdays and even Xmas. I'd make sure I made a bug effort for the dc, but h could go fuck himself

^This

Quitelikeit · 16/10/2023 22:56

I wish you hadn’t bothered for his birthday - even if it was only once.

I am sorry this happened to you it takes absolutely nothing to make the day a bit special - gettkng the kids to sing happy birthday for example and asking them to
draw a picture for you.

Please consider forgetting his next birthday

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/10/2023 22:58

I don't think birthdays are a big deal. But if I was with someone who did feel like this, I'd make some effort that isn't a huge hardship for me (buying a cake and something off amazon and writing a card is hardly taxing), because its a small thing I can do that makes them feel loved. Like the many small things that we all do in a relationship, because our partners like them, even though we wouldn't do them if we were single. That's what I'd be saying to him. His birthday isn't a big deal to him - fine. But he knows your birthday is a big deal to you and he knows that actively ignoring it will hurt you.

I wouldn't have celebrated his though as you are teaching your kids that your birthday is not worth celebrating (rather than adults tend not to celebrate, which would be the lesson if you ignored his).

I'd also have been a bit more pro- active eg asking him where we were going out to eat for my birthday, or reminded him he was getting up with the kids so I could have a lie in. Not just getting up and then being pissed off about it

CatsTheWayToDoIt · 16/10/2023 22:58

I’m so sorry, that sounds sad. Happy birthday! I also love birthdays so get you. Not everyone does though, and perhaps he just doesn’t get it. Make sure you set expectations now about how you want things to go next time and be clear about what you wanted. I also think you could have taken the lead in telling the kids it’s your birthday, telling your husband he’s doing bedtime as it’s your birthday etc. I’d speak up there and then as sometimes these things can be fixed in the moment.

WilmaWonka · 16/10/2023 23:02

What an absolute ahole. Wouldn’t have been much effort to pack a few cards, get up and make you breakfast and take you all out to dinner having organised a cake to come to the table (he could have googled a nearby restaurant and asked if they could do that). That’s the least I’d have expected even if we were away.

He’s showed you very clearly he has no respect or thought for you OP. There’s no way I’d have done anything for his birthday and I’d have made it clear why. I know you wanted to be the better person for your kids but unfortunately you’ve just shown them that it’s OK for Daddy to not give a shit about Mummy!

Justella1 · 12/11/2024 23:55

Hello! I am curious how was your birthday this year?

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