Relentless emotional pain from bereavement and infertility - how do you make it stop?

[fuckinglife]

As I've said on another thread, I'm struggling with bereavement and lack of wider family, lack of deep friendships, plus glaring red hot pain of infertility. It's not a huge deal all the time, but it is constant relentless emotional pain weighing me down so much, it is exhausting. It flares up into unbearable pain and darkness regularly.

The only relief is drinking wine and for obvious reasons, that is not a sustainable solution. But I just don't see how I can ever feel real joy or hope again?

I get modest pleasure from lots of little things like a really nice cup of tea, or a lovely walk on a nice day, or a yoga class. But, it isn't enough to sustain a whole life?

Am I just an ungrateful sack of shit that it isn't enough for me?

There is a whole fundamental layer of parents and wider family and the children I hoped I would have, just missing. It is a life sentence and I'm exhausted.

I have a wonderful partner who has adult children from previous relationship and they're lovely but again, I'm just an outsider watching from the sidelines.

How can I make this pain stop without alcohol?

It is grinding me into the dirt. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in therapy but at a loss as to how I can honestly change my feelings of deep grief and sadness and a whole fucked up life, basically.

I feel your pain
I was forced/ coerced into an abortion by my ex 10 years ago and I’m still not over it
4 years ago when I wanted to have kids I had an ectopic pregnancy then a miscarriage
I often lie awake crying at my lost opportunity for my baby
and the loss of the others
I feel sick with the emotional pain
my brother has three little ones but it’s not the same
I’ve enquired about adoption but I need a spare room. Is this something you could consider ? Plenty of children / siblings who need a forever home and you sound like you have lots of love to give
I do have wider family but don’t always see them much
I guess you have to find your purpose in life that does not revolve around children.
have you tried volunteering / befriending perhaps ?
i am going to look into adoption again and hopefully rent somewhere with an extra room so I can do so

I don’t have any answers OP but I just wanted to send you love. The pain in your message is clear, and has made me quite emotional. I would imagine a therapist would encourage you to find pleasure in small things, identify what brings you pleasure and focus on it, to build happiness. But I know probably less than 1/10th of your pain and know how hard that was, and how easy it is for others to say do x or y when that feels impossible to you. Sending you love and recognition. X

Honestly- it's something you need to make your peace with.

If you can't have children- perhaps help those who don't have the best start? Listen to children read at school, be a governor. Volunteer at a children's charity.

Ditto with parents - help those who have no family to help them.

I volunteer with children as a legacy to my son who was stillborn. I'm so lucky to have my subsequent sons but this is a little something I do as a devotion to him. Only DH knows why I do it, everyone else is just glad of the help! It brings me a little peace and spiritual comfort.

Worth a try perhaps.

I can't make peace with it, though.

I don't want to listen to other people's children read at school or be a governor.

I did do some voluntary work with children related to my professional background (think teaching music, but not actually that) and was completely ignored by the parents once they found out I have no kids myself. So won't be doing that again.

I do some other volunteering now that is unrelated to children and family stuff, it is much needed in my community and that's where my energy goes.

Honestly, I don't think I can volunteer-work my way out of the pain to a place of peace. It just doesn't work for me.

I am glad for you that you had your subsequent children after your loss.

Thank you for this, and I agree the small pleasures are so important.

Sorry you're going through this. I didn't go through exactly the same but I did have a period in my own life of deep grief and multiple traumas where I completely lost sight of a future. There's no short cut, you just have to keep going. You're in the thick of it: do whatever it takes to get through the day that doesn't involve alcohol. Lower your expectations of yourself for the time being. You're not going to wake up feeling magically happy and fulfilled tomorrow. It will take time. For now your job is to survive as best you can. Gradually you will find you begin to see light at the end of the tunnel and claw your way back to a more peaceful place.

Sending you love, OP. I feel some of your pain. And that’s a very dignified response to the suggestion of volunteering with children.

I don’t have answers for you, but suggest you might find solace and community in childfree groups.

Just sending a handhold OP. I'm in therapy for massive trauma due to bereavement (my AC) and infidelity .
I honestly feel like I can't bear the grief.
I try to have hope and like PP said I take pleasure in "small things" wherever I can.
But if someone suggests self care to me once more I'm liable to punch them. I do all that. It doesn't take away the agony.
Sympathy and solidarity for you.

And that’s a very dignified response to the suggestion of volunteering with children.

Agreed.

Nothing helpful to add, OP. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, it sounds extremely tough right now. Your username made me smile, fucking life indeed.

Is there any chance you could do something totally out there like go back packing for a few weeks on your own somewhere exotic / some sort of retreat / go and volunteer in an animal sanctuary somewhere! Something to save up for, plan and totally out of the ordinary and complete escapism for you

I don’t have any answers either op but I want to let you know I’m thinking of you and I can feel the pain you are in.
I think it’s good that you can recognise and do the small things in life that you enjoy. That stood out to me as impressive. It’s taking action to look for comfort and happiness even when you might not feel able.
I haven’t had your experiences exactly but I have had desperately hard times when i felt tormented by sorrow and unhappiness.
I think small steps can actually get you through things. Maybe taking a day at a time and even an hour at a time to try to get some enjoyment in life. I also think we do come to terms with the most terrible things that life throws at us. It takes time of course.
you have got a lot of positives in your life which is lovely. But that doesn’t make you ungrateful for feeling despair at your unhappiness.
deep grief is so painful and it’s a process. Some people seem to work through things better than others. (I don’t)
im presuming you’ve done all the practical steps you can to change your situation- you have a therapist so that’s a practical thing. Have you explored adoption etc? I’m sure you have done but it’s definitely worth not ruling anything out.
im so sorry to read your post and think of how desperate you’re feeling. I’ve been there. Spent years like it.
good luck and I really hope you feel uplifted in some way very soon. And I hope sharing your feelings has helped you too. Other people will understand x

I've been where you are and it's such a horrible feeling. For me, it took a lot of time, counselling and anti-depressants before I felt like I could start to pick myself up again. Everyone is different so you might need other tools. But the fact that you have come on here and asked for support is very good- you want to find a brighter way forward and that is a great first step.

On my worst days, I would just find ways to pass the time. I tried not to fall into the trap of fearing I would feel terrible for the rest of my life. I would deal with the day and tell myself it would pass. Lo and behold, some days I would wake up a bit stronger and able to do stuff. The bad phases became shorter and further apart. For me, the grief never grows smaller or less painful but I've learnt how to carry it, a bit like weight training.

My counsellor always said to me that I should try to hold onto hope that life would get better. But that if I sometimes couldn't, she'd hold the hope for me. Maybe we can hold some hope for you?

I mean this as a serious suggestion OP and am not being flippant or dismissive of your pain but have you thought of getting a dog? Assuming you like dogs and can have one of course. They really can help.

Be gentle with yourself OP. Grief is horrendous.
I can relate to you, although we’re a bit different. I lost my beloved gran 6 months ago, watched her die in agony. I am not (far as I know) infertile but no children and relationship ended a while ago. Not much family. Was sat in church the other week and a gorgeous baby smiled at me from the row in front and I sobbed for the rest of the service.
I am currently crying on my sofa as someone was really brisk with me on my commute home - something I’d have shaken off a year ago. Just got no energy for it now.
I don’t drink but totally get that feeling of wanting a reprieve from it all.

I didn’t want to read and run. I can relate to your situation and how you are feeling. DP and I are also struggling with infertility and it is looking very unlikely that we will ever have children. I’m heartbroken, and the pain is overwhelming. I also don’t have close friends and my family is on the other side of the world. I don’t really have any advice. I am now on antidepressants which is helping, and I did see a therapist for 3 months - I don’t think that really helped much and tbh I found it really difficult to talk about it every week and to look for solutions to the pain when I really don’t know if there are solutions. It feels like the only people who even begin to understand infertility are those who are going through it themselves. My life is not what I thought it would be and the loneliness when I think about the future is pretty much unbearable. And don’t even get me started on the people who say “oh, why don’t you just adopt”.. I was also drinking far too much to try to drown out how this was making me feel and have just started trying to cut down - I did two weeks sober about a month ago and have drastically reduced what I was drinking since then, it does help. The MN alcohol support boards are very good.

Therapy, therapy and more therapy. Talk it all out of your system. I did - I even managed to make one of my counsellors cry 😢But I am relatively accepting now. It's tough and I feel your pain too well.

Marking this so I can come back later with my thoughts

Ditto with parents - help those who have no family to help them.

stupid suggestion. Would you trust your children with an unrelated person who didn’t have children of their own? Most parents wouldn’t.

OP I have been where you are with regards to infertility and remain childless. Now 62. It does get better in time I promise though it may not feel like it now. In the meantime really focussing on the little things that give you pleasure is a good thing to do. Hugs and very best wishes to you.

Time to re-assess life. Its one of those massive curve balls life throws us sometimes. Take time to grieve, therapy may well help.

Start to think about what you might want to do. This might be small to start - learn to crochet, start photography - any other interest you might want to do (feel free to laugh at my suggestions, but something practical is often good for the soul). Or maybe take a course - study for a GCSE you have an interest in, or A-level or a degree.

And then you can start thinking about the big things. Do you fancy travel, or a new job in a different area. Maybe setting a long term challenge like climbing Kilimanjaro, or trekking through Peru - or starting up a small holing in Outer Mongolia! (OK - last one not entirely serious)

Starting new courses, or learning new hobbies, starting a new job etc will help you refocus and make new friends - and hopefully help you turn a corner.

It won't happen overnight, and you will have good and bad days. But at some point the bad days will be fewer than the good.

Just reading this and empathising.

I have my own sort of loss to deal with, and I swear that walks and hobbies and self-care don't cut it.

I don't know the answer but I need something to make this life more liveable.