Hand hold - 5 year marriage just ended

[Thehonestbadger]

Just that really.

My DH has been distant for a long time. We have two toddlers (2&3) the 3yo is disabled and very high needs. Life is HARD. I had to become a SAHM registered carer for DS and DH works long hours.

Don’t think there’s anyone else he has a very low libido and is I think quite depressed.
He just doesn’t love me, doesn’t want me, I’ve known it for so long but just kept flogging the dead horse. I’ve lost all my self respect and he has been emotionally very unkind and gaslighty.

Sorry to hear this.
Maybe this is the rock bottom, most awful bit and from here on it just gets gradually easier. Being with someone unkind who doesn't love you is awful. I appreciate there's absolutely loads of logistical stuff to sort out as well as emotional.
You WILL get through this. Just take one day at a time.

I'm so sorry @Thehonestbadger , that sounds really tough. 💐for you. Do you have any family support?

Think hard about your next steps. If you get divorced/make it easy to walk away you'll get all the childcare and he'll get all the leases on a new life.

Maybe this is the moment to make it clear he'll do the full half of the childcare and life admin if he divorces you.

I know people here will tell you to talk away from him with your head up high to be rid of an unworthy man, but the truth is married you have more leverage over him. Failing that, use the leverage you have now- that you could force him to take up half the burdens - to crash-negotiation a deal that works for you twenty years from now, too.

I’m so sorry

@WonderingAboutThus
@Velvian

I went in to his room and pulled up my big girl pants. Told him I’d be totally fine, was actually quite excited for a ‘fresh start’ and that he’d need to move out tomorrow (today) so my mum could move in to help me with the kids whilst I healed over the next week or two.

Made it clear he’d be having the kids a fair amount and I’d no longer be facilitating his 60+ hour all consuming career. He’d have to commit to having the kids certain days and find his own childcare. I threatened him with 50/50. (Wouldn’t do it as kids are too attached to me)

Needless to say within an hour he’d had an epiphan about how much he does love me and wants to try and can’t imagine his life without me and the kids. I swallowed all of my pride and nodded along knowing Ultimately it’s the best thing for my family. I don’t want my mother to have to move in. DS needs such a high level of care and DH has always been a good provider and totally equal with his wages. Goes straight into joint account and I’m in charge of finances.

He brings a lot to the table and the kids deserve to stay in their lovely home well provided for. It’s bitter sweet.

This sounds really difficult

In your shoes, I'd try to plan ahead in case this is the beginning of the end

Could social work provide respite care for your 3 year old?

Echo the PP above. Also start moving money into an account in your name if you can?

Good for you for sticking up for yourself. I hope it works out.

Is this a basis for a happy marriage? He’s told you he doesn’t love you, and you are staying to have him around and a wage coming in? Do you love him? Do you want to make it work?

A happy marriage isn't just, or all, about being "in love"

You're forgetting mutual support, companionship, shared loves,interests and responsibilities (children), friendship, laughter.

The "in love" bit often (in fact I'd say Usually) dies and you have to see what's left to work on.

Wow that's a turn around.

I'd be ready for this conversation to rear its head again in near future. I know what's better for the family but you need to be realistic.

He's not happier now he's scared about having to look after kids/ sacrifice his career.

Nothings changed in his head except potential inconvenience of splitting.

I've been you and right now you are probably experiencing such relief the issue has gone away that you can't see straight.
I got 2 months down line before we'd split for good.

Sounds as though he doesn't like his life and confused that with thinking he wanted a divorce. When he realised he could divorce you but not the parts of his life he finds difficult (the childcare, the responsibility of providing?), then he changed his mind.
As others have said, nothing is really resolved here. But there is an opportunity to try and resolve- he needs to be honest and then needs to accept/ knuckle down to his responsibilities- otherwise this won't go away.