to sleep according to my own body clock?

[NotWhoYouThinkItIs]

I am on a completely different sleep schedule to my DH. I know that this bothers him. He works away a lot, and I love that the pressure to stay up late is off those weeks! I’m a natural early bird and it’s getting worse as I get older. I really struggle to sleep in past 5.30 / 6am, and can happily be in bed and asleep at 9.30pm. DH, on the other hand, would ideally sleep from midnight until around 7.30am (or much later at weekends). He’s not capable of coming to bed without waking me, so is often relegated to the spare room. But I think my sleep schedule works far better for me! I love the time in the morning to get organised for the day ahead. I just love that early part of the day. Evenings are overrated IMO (and I just end up exhausted if I stay up much later, because this doesn’t lead to me sleeping later). AIBU to carry on as is, and maybe reconsider my early bedtime when the children have left home and we have retired (in approximately 15 years’ time?).

You're not wrong to have a sleep schedule that works for you, but how much is he away, vs how much is he home? I can see I might feel a bit lonely if, during the limited time I had with my partner, we never really got an evening together or shared a bed.

He’s not capable of coming to bed without waking me, so is often relegated to the spare room

Is there any way of fixing this? And when you say "waking" do you mean "even if he's quiet, I still wake up, but can give him a quick cuddle and then easily fall back to sleep" or "he crashes around asking me questions and then wants to sit up reading with the light on for half an hour. Then he falls asleep and I am left awake for the rest of the night"?

In my experience it would be much better for people to follow their own circadian rhythm, unfortunately society and modern life is not necessarily set up to accommodate that for everyone.

So yes YANBU to sleep when it suits you.
What exactly is your DHs gripe?

When we were on holiday, all 3 of us (me, DH and 15yo) stayed up until 11pm-midnight and slept until after 9am , every single day. It was bliss.
Normally 10:30pm - 7am not so good
When I'm not at work, I rarely get up before 9.

He’s away about 50% of the time (usually for a week or two at a time).

The coming to bed is ridiculous - he doesn’t just creep in, he’ll clatter, do a last check of his phone (bright light), I’ll be wide awake, then he’ll peacefully drift off breathing noisily and snoring and by this point I’ll be wide awake, and unable to fall asleep easily. I’ve tried and tried to get him to come in quietly but he just doesn’t seem able to.

But I do think he is lonely in the evenings. We don’t get much time together - eldest is mid teens so often still up when I go to bed (this was far less of an issue when all DC were in bed early).

How does your husband feel about it? Does he feel sad/rejected or does he accept the practicality of it and appreciates not needing to feel bad about waking you?

To be fair, it is nearly impossible to sliently move around a dark room, get undressed and slip into bed without making any noise at all, and also, a small amount of phone glow might not seem like a big deal to the awake person, so I can't tell if he is doing his best (but failing) or just being inconsiderate. Similarly, it isn't is fault if he falls asleep as his head hits the pillow, but also I know from bitter experience that there is nothing more annoying than lying awake while your partner selfishly hogs all the sleep.

How do you arrange him sleeping in the spare room, ie: is he expecting to sleep in his bed with you, and then you tell him to go to the spare room when he comes in?

How would he feel about having the spare room as his room, and then you inviting him on occasion to come into your room? That way it wouldn't feel like a banishment, and also it might make time you spent in bed together more special/romantic?

I live with an early bird who is noise sensitive. Personally I'd like to stay up late, and get up late. But that never happens. I wake with pain pretty much every night. So these days, it's something like 11-2, then I'm awake for 4 hrs, and finally I get back to sleep only to get woken up again at 7. It totally kills me TBH.

For most our actual natural rhythm drifts by an hour each night or something like that. When younger, when I went with that, I'd end up drifting until one night I'd be up all night. But it can all become a bit anti-social. But it's great to be able to sleep when you want to sleep.

Oh gosh this is my biggest issue! Only we don't have a spare room which just leaves me tired and grumpy and even more in need of an early night. I don't know what the answer is other than wait for one of the dc to move out

Not unreasonable at all! And you’re so lucky with your body clock as it one that really fits with the way the world is set up.

I would be so happy if I could sleep and live to my body clock. I’m an extreme owl, but even if I’m able to sleep til 9 rather than horrible 7, the the work I do that day is so much better, and my MH is so much better.

I’m single thank god.

I'm on on your DHs schedule but I always wish I could shift it earlier - yours makes better use of available daylight much of the year.

So I'd say YANBU, if one of you had to change it should be him not you.

We are in going through this at the moment too, but in reverse. DH could/does happily go to bed as early as 8.30pm and gets up at 5am to exercise. I’m more of a 10pm-8am girl. (Read 11pm-6.30am)
DH is an insanely light sleeper, as in if I move at all in our super king sized bed he gets up and leaves for the spare room. Not in a huff or anything, often with a kiss and hug too, but I hate it when he leaves. I really want him to stay as I miss having him next to me… but it just doesn’t work… and I’m no longer particularly relaxed at lights out, as I know I’m not tired yet, and I try my best to chill and sleep, but I just can’t… 😔 So instead I just lay there trying to not make a sound! 🙈 Not ideal, but think I just need to get over it and accept the situation of separate bedrooms for now… might need to move one of the kids in! 😂

I'm a light sleeper myself, wake to toilet runs etc. But if I dare snore, I get punched in the back, and have to move rooms.